by Karen Bailey
My husband and I had always said that once we had been married for 6 months we would start trying for a baby of our own. I have an older daughter from a previous relationship and stupidly thought that because I'd fallen pregnant with her 'by accident' then it would be easy this time round too.
Getting pregnant turned out to be very easy but keeping the pregnancy was not.
I was made to feel stupid by doctors as my test was very faint and was told that we ought to do a blood test to find out whether I was pregnant.
I'd gone to the doctor as I'd started spotting and wanted reassurance, not sarcasm. Sadly that pregnancy ended soon after.
The EPAU staff were amazing. Their care was empathetic and understanding.
We decided we wanted to try again straight away and I naively thought that lightening wouldn't strike twice. But we discovered at an early scan that our baby had died.
I started bleeding a week later. Again the EPAU were amazing unlike my GP. I am now pregnant again and have made it to 12 weeks 4 days. The EPAU have again been brilliant, scanning me three times already and baby is so far doing fine.
I am still terrified though and the thought of the next scan makes me sick with worry.
I have heard every platitude you can think of such as ' it wasnt meant to be' and 'oh well you can try again' all I wanted was someone to hug me and say ' I'm sorry, I can't understand your pain but I'm here for you.'
People did try but the only person other than my husband and the staff at the EPAU I could really talk to was my wonderful sister in law.
Even now I feel guilty and ashamed as though it was somehow my fault and that I must have done something wrong even though I know I most likely didn't.
I desperately want to enjoy this pregnancy and get excited and I do at times but then i stop myself in case this baby doesn't make it.
Nobody understands these feelings either. I keep hearing 'it'll be OK this time' and 'Don't worry it'll be fine.'
I keep thinking; I hope so.
I want to thank Tommy's for all their hard work in this area and for giving me the opportunity to express myself.
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