After having my son in 2010 (after a long and complicated pregnancy) my husband and I quickly decided we wanted him to have a sibling close in age. Wrong. We started trying when he was 9 months old, and on his 1st birthday we got a positive pregnancy test. We were over the moon, there would only be 21 months between them and straight away I imagined them growing up together and being so close. Everything went fine, we got to our 12 week scan and there was a healthy baby there jumping around on the screen.
We went out and bought a matching cot to go in the nursery and started to buy new baby bits. When I was 17 weeks I started to get pains which I put down to ligaments stretching. Unfortunately the next morning I gave birth to our tiny baby. Not knowing it I was actually in labour the previous day. After leaving the hospital all I wanted to do was go home and cuddle my son. The hospital sent the baby off for testing and checked my cervix for weakness but everything came back fine. I can honestly say the next few weeks were the hardest of my life it felt like my heart had been ripped out.
It physically hurt and the only way I could stop was to try again
3 months later I fell pregnant again and thought that everything would be OK. I was sent for an early scan due to my late miscarriage and at 7 weeks I saw a tiny little heartbeat flickering on the screen. It put my mind to rest. At 10 weeks after getting ready for bed I noticed I had started bleeding. I remember waking my husband to tell him and just crying telling him I can't do this again. He rushed me to the hospital but as it was the weekend they couldn't give me a scan. I spent the whole weekend checking on the bleeding and worrying sick.
I went for a scan on the Monday at my worst fears were confirmed there was no heartbeat. I was booked in for an ERPC the next day. The only way for me to get over it was to try again. Within 3 months I was pregnant again after having another early scan I told my family. They were over the moon as my sister was also pregnant with her second child only a week after me. Again at 10 weeks I started to bleed, only this time after a scan confirmed the baby had passed away I began to bleed heavy and was rushed to hospital for another ERPC. I fell pregnant a few months later but no sooner had I been to the doctors to confirm my pregnancy I began to bleed. I was told this time it was a chemical pregnancy.
By this time I had given up telling anyone but my husband that I was pregnant as I didn't see the point. After going to see a consultant he advised I take aspirin and an injection of heparin daily when I fell pregnant again. I fell pregnant 2 months later and called the EPU so they could prescribe me the injections. When I arrived they did a pregnancy test that came back negative I was having another chemical pregnancy.
Three miscarriages in 6 months was taking its toll on me physically and mentally
We decided to have a break from trying for another baby. After 6 months we decided it was time to try again. Again I fell pregnant within 2 months I started taking aspirin for two months before falling pregnant and injecting as soon as I got the positive test. I was anxious but hopeful. We went for our early scan and there was a little heartbeat on the screen. This time I asked to be scanned at 9 weeks as my previous miscarriages had happened at 10 weeks but my tiny babies had actually passed away at 8 weeks and 5 days each time.
At the 9 week scan it was confirmed the baby's heart had stopped at 8 wks 5 days. My gut feeling was right. Again I was booked in for yet another ERPC. This time we had a big break and almost a year to the day I found out I was pregnant for the 9th time. This time I was pregnant at the same time as my other sister but did not say anything. Again I began my injections and really thought this would be our time, life surely couldn't be that cruel and we couldn't have that much bad luck that we were told we had so many times before.
When I went for my early scan there was a tiny little heart bearing on the screen. I was also told the was a small bleed outside my uterus but it was nothing to worry about. I started bleeding the following week and when I phone the EPU they said it was normal and should have been explained to me. I explained to them that I had already had 7 miscarriages and knew that something was not right.
The next day the ward sister called me to come in for a scan as I was now a well known face in the EPU. I went for my scan and although I was still bleeding there was still a heartbeat. I was so relieved. I was booked in for a follow up scan the following week for another scan. I was more hopeful this time as for the first time the bleeding didn't mean miscarriage. I went alone to the scan as I was sure everything would be OK only to be told the baby had died. I was booked in for an ERPC. By this time I went alone to these and my husband would pick me up afterwards so he could care for our son.
This time I said enough was enough, I wasn't trying anymore and gave up
I went on to watch my sister have a beautiful baby girl and my best friend announce she was pregnant, I was heartbroken. Sometimes you feel like the only person in the world who is going through it, no one knows what to say, everyone is uneasy talking about babies around you and you feel alienated. Then comes the dreaded comments from people who don't know what your going through "aren't you having any more" or "when are you having another?"
Do I answer I can't or I have been trying for 4 years? All I reply now is "maybe one day!". All my tests have come back clear and there is no explanation for my miscarriages. Maybe one day my son will have a baby brother or sister but for now after many questions from him as to when he will, we have had to explain to him that mummy has a bad belly and the may never be like his friends and cousins!
One thing is for sure I will cherish him more than anything forever and I will never forget his 8 angel brothers and sisters.
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By Anonymous (not verified) on 18 Jul 2016 - 16:24
so much same as me ,but what to do , the pain, the agony only i go through and no one can even feel the slightest fracton of it , even i dont belive myself when after few weeks i laugh i talk and act as normal , but so broken inside , dont like to meet anyone yet want to talk to someone but not to be feel pity for ...............dont even want to cry for myself but then feel the lonleyness for my daughter and tears start pouring