Support for grandparents affected by stillbirth

On this page

Getting information and guidance

Seeing your stillborn grandchild

Your grandchild’s funeral and commemorating the loss

How to support your son or daughter after stillbirth

Looking after yourself

More help and support

We’re so sorry you are looking for support on this topic. As grandparents you’ll not only be grieving the death of your stillborn grandchild, but you will also feel pain for the parents, especially your own child. It can be distressing to see your own daughter or son coping with the devastating loss of their baby. Grandparents have told us that they feel powerless to know what to do or how to help their child, however old they are.  

"My mum and my dad... wonderful people. I love them more now than I thought possible. They are my security blanket. They make things be ok. This they can’t fix, but they help make it ok."
Sarah, who lost her son Joel. Read Sarah's story.

Your own grief is likely to hit you hard. You were probably very excited about the pregnancy and may have been thinking about a future with your new grandchild. It can take time to adjust to this new reality, without your grandchild, and with the grief-stricken parents.  

"I felt helpless. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t take their pain away. All I could do was listen, console and comfort them." 
Grandmother

Getting information and guidance

Getting information and guidance early after the stillbirth of a grandchild is something people have found helpful.

You may find it useful to read more information about what happens when a baby dies. For example, the different options parents have to spend time with their baby and family, creating memories, coping with grief, arranging a funeral and deciding whether to have a post-mortem. Those pages are aimed at parents, but it may help you understand what may be happening. 

Seeing your stillborn grandchild

There may be an opportunity for you to meet and spend time with your grandchild. In the past, parents were not encouraged to spend time with their stillborn child, but now we know that this can help with the grieving process. It is gently encouraged in most hospitals.  

Many parents choose to see their baby and spend time with them after the birth. Some hospitals offer special cots to keep the baby’s body cool so the parents and family can spend more time with them. Some choose to bring their baby home with them for a short time and perhaps keep the cold cot in the nursery.

If you are invited to come and see your grandchild, or if you are present at the birth, it is likely to mean a lot to the parents. Acknowledging the baby’s existence as a person is something parents have said is very important to them. If you meet the baby, it will add to their store of memories of their child. Being involved in memory-making activities is something grandparents have found has helped them with their own grief too.  

Meeting your grandchild also means that you can talk to the parents about the baby in future. Maybe you can look for resemblances to family members so you can talk about this later. Or you could offer to take photos or be in photos with your grandchild. 

"Both our mums came in to see Owen. They had no experience of this and it definitely affected them. But it meant a lot to us that they had a chance to meet him." 
Keith, who lost his son Owen. Read Keith's story.

Your grandchild’s funeral and commemorating the loss

Depending on when your grandchild died, and the wishes of the parents, there may be a funeral, blessing or commemoration.

There are lots of ways families can remember their baby. Or you might have your own private way of remembering and mourning your grandchild.

You might choose to talk about your grandchild openly with friends, or you might decide to keep this more private. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Many parents name their baby. It can often help parents if you use the baby’s name when talking about them or include the baby who died when people ask you about whether you have grandchildren.  

How to support your son or daughter after stillbirth

Emotional support

Everyone is different in how they cope with the loss of a loved one. Be sensitive to your own child’s way of coping. The most important things you can do are to listen, accept how they are feeling without judging or offering solutions, and respect their decisions. 

"My instinct was not as a grandparent but as a parent. All my thoughts were for Charnjit and Joe, who had lost their child. I wanted them to know I was there for them, to support and love them, but also give them space to grieve. I didn’t want to add to their pain and sadness by them seeing my own devastation." 
Rani, who lost her granddaughter Zara.

It might be that you can be a listening ear, someone to cry with (or on the phone to), or simply a reassuring presence to show that you care.  

Read our information on supporting someone through a stillbirth.  

"When my daughter was ready to talk, I listened. I think that helped. I’d been through a personal experience like this and I know how important it is to listen. She told me how she felt. She grieved and she talked. I comforted her and listened. I shared my own personal experiences that I hadn’t talked about before. It was emotional but she said she felt stronger afterwards." 
Grandmother

You might need to be very patient as your child goes through the grieving process. As you are family, you are often the easiest person to get cross with and you might find that this happens more often than you would like. Try to be understanding if it does.  

They may also be unable to react as they normally would to your offers of help or calls, and you may feel excluded. Try to be patient. They may be so distressed that they have no mental space to consider your feelings. If you’re worried about how your child is coping, try to encourage them to speak to their GP. We also have sources of support at the bottom of this page. 

Practical support

You might be able to offer some practical help immediately after your grandchild’s death. If you live nearby, you could offer to help with chores at home or look after their other children, if they have any.  

Try to remember that they will probably value quiet and may need time alone to grieve. If you make a meal, you could leave it with them, and you might sometimes be able to mind other grandchildren at the park or in your house, instead of theirs.

If you live far away and need to stay with them when you visit, try to give them time alone if you feel they need it. Perhaps go out for the evening or go to bed a bit early.

Take your cue from the parents as to how they want to communicate their baby’s death to their other children. Some commonly used words might have unintended consequences. ‘Sleeping’ as a euphemism could make another child worry about going to sleep themselves. Some parents may choose to use words that have religious connotations, such as ‘angel’. You can follow their lead in how you talk about their baby.  

Read more here about supporting siblings after the death of a baby. 

Looking after yourself

It’s important that you look after yourself too, especially if you’re offering a lot of support to your son or daughter. It's a good idea to have your own sources of support, such as a friend or family member, or one of the organisations listed below. You could also talk to your GP.

For some grandparents, the death of a grandchild can bring back painful memories of their own pregnancy loss. Until a few decades ago, parents got very little support or empathy if they lost a baby. They may have been encouraged to have another baby quickly or to carry on as though nothing had happened.  

If you went through a similar experience, going through this now with your grandchild can be very difficult. You may find that your grief and pain has comes back many years later.  

More help and support

Our team of midwives are also here to support you. They have all had training in bereavement and will be able to talk to you about everything you are going through. They often receive calls and emails from grandparents like yourself. You can call them for free on 0808 0147 800 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday or email [email protected].

If you are of Black or Mixed-Black heritage you can book a call on the specialist helpline that we run in partnership with the Black maternal health organisation Five X More, if that feels more appropriate for you. We may also be able to get free bereavement counselling for you with the bereavement counselling organisation Petals.  

We also have a private baby loss support group on Facebook where you can talk to other people who have lost a baby.

Other support organisations

• Child Bereavement UK has support groups, offers counselling and lots of online resources. They can help siblings through a bereavement.
• Cruse Bereavement Care offers six sessions talking to a trained bereavement volunteer.
• Sands is a support charity for anyone affected by the death of a baby.
• Saying Goodbye offers support, advice and a befriending service. You can also attend Saying Goodbye ceremonies across the country.
• Twins Trust is the Twins and Multiple Births Association for support with losing a multiple birth baby.
• Petals charity has a closed Facebook group for bereaved grandparents.  
• Ebony Bonds Bereavement Support offers compassionate help to Black bereaved families after baby loss.