Speaking to Tommy’s about our experience doesn’t change our situation, but it might help someone else

I knew I wanted Ayshen to be my wife the first time I saw her but it was about waiting for the time to be right. Over a decade later we went on our first date and we laughed together for hours.

We went to Hong Kong for our second date and that’s when she spoke about what she wanted, a family. I wanted the same and was honoured she wanted to do that with me.

My oldest daughter was a surprise. I was young but it was the best surprise that could’ve happened to me because it knocked me into shape. I was wise enough to know that I wanted to be a good father.  

I knew I wanted to be a father again, to have a family with Ayshen. We were pregnant 6 months after we married. She was worried about conceiving, about her age, but I’m a positive person and never doubted it would happen for us.

I knew about miscarriage but wasn’t concerned until we went to the scan and they told us there was no baby there. Ayshen was devastated but I couldn’t afford to be emotional, I needed to hear what they had to say so I could give her answers later. 

They told us sometimes nature just says ‘No’, which made sense to me. All I wanted was to get my wife through it, I didn’t really have the time to grieve.

We were at home the second time she miscarried and it was horrible. Again, I kept reassuring her that it wasn’t her fault as she questioned whether she’d left it too late to try for a baby.

I so wanted to give her a baby but we’d lost 2. My way of coping was to be positive. To me, the losses felt like a medical thing, there was no blame, but Ayshen blamed herself and that was hard to watch.

After that, she wanted to try for IVF and I felt like it meant they could look at everything that was happening, but the process was really horrible for my wife. Most babies are made when you’re relaxed and not thinking about it but, for Ayshen, it was so stressful. I hated watching her inject herself, putting herself through so much pain but felt so proud, no matter what, she kept going.

The IVF didn’t take but I do believe Cyan was conceived because of it, because Ayshen’s body was ready. Our daughter came out fighting. All through the pregnancy we kept hearing she wasn’t big enough but I wasn’t scared. In some ways it was like they gave us too much information which really stressed Ayshen out. When Cyan arrived she was perfect and it was heaven.

Covid made it so hard because, although I wanted to stay with my wife and daughter, it wasn’t allowed. I felt helpless but, I focused on getting our home, and myself, prepared.

When Cyan was 2, we decided to try again. Ayshen had her third miscarriage at home. She didn’t feel pregnant anymore, I think we both knew what was happening, but you try and stay positive even though you’re pretty much 100% it’s not going to work out for you.  

Although I prepared myself for bad news, I suppose I still hung on to hope, I just didn’t want her to go through it all again.

Afterwards it was about being strong for Ayshen again. I’d say to any man in this situation, sometimes it’s about admitting what you cannot do. You cannot fix it but you can be there, you can listen, know that and put 100% into it. I tend to lock myself into a box to cope and not think about what I can’t control, just focus on what I can.

I wasn’t crazy about the idea of going through IVF again because I knew how stressful it had been for my wife but that’s what she wanted to do so I followed her lead. Our first round hasn’t worked but we’ll keep trying.

Tommy’s is so important because it’s about selflessly supporting real people going though real issues. There’s not enough information out there on baby loss and, too often, it feels like medicine is a business, that it’s about putting things in boxes.  

I sat there knowing my wife was miscarrying and they wanted to send her home. That’s not right.

Speaking to Tommy’s about our experience doesn’t change our situation, but it might help someone else. I want to encourage people to ask questions, to explore their options.

I want men to understand that, although they can’t fix it, they can work out what their strongest position is and play that, even if that’s just listening. You do whatever you need to do to have the woman in your life feel like you’ve been by their side, that you’ve supported. If I can do that, I’m a happy man. 

Also, find a way to cope with your own emotions whether that’s a beer with a mate or exercise, go for a run or a walk. For me, music helped a lot, I write about what I’m going through and put it out there in the hope it reaches others.  

Lastly, to anyone who has suffered a loss, talk about it. You won’t always find other people have the answers but, sometimes, when you’re allowed to just talk, you can find the answers inside yourself.