It's okay for dads to open up

Losing our baby

Abbie and I met at work in 2017 (she’ll tell you I made the first move, but she did really). We got married in July 2021 on the first weekend after the Covid restrictions were lifted for weddings - Phew!

We’ve both always wanted a family, so after the wedding we started trying for a baby pretty much straight away. We were fortunate to fall pregnant quickly, in July.

But in September, we were referred for a scan at the hospital after Abbie experienced some symptoms. During the scan we could see our baby right there on the screen, but the nurse gently said “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” We miscarried at home the day after the scan. 

Getting through it together

We’re lucky we have such wonderful family and friends to support us, despite people really not knowing what to do or say - including us. We sought strength from each other and promised we would talk and listen to each other.

Personally, I found it difficult to come to terms with the idea that we didn’t know a gender, name, face. I was mourning a stranger I’d never met, who I loved with everything in my heart.

To help me with this, later in the year, Abbie came home with a print from our scan. She contacted the hospital and asked if they had kept a picture and they had. It means that we have a picture of our baby, as lifetime proof that they existed and were loved.

Reaching out to Tommy's

After we lost our baby, I reached out to Tommy’s in desperation. I spoke with a midwife who talked me through what to expect and best practice to support Abbie’s physical recovery in the coming days. She then talked through the range of emotions and questions we were likely to have, and pointed me toward some materials online.

The midwife then took the time to ask about me, and stressed the importance of me supporting my wife whilst seeking support for myself too. She talked about the impact on both of us, which was not the case when we received the news. At the hospital I felt like a spare part - not a single question put to me.

Tommy’s helped me help my wife but encouraged me to help me too. I’m not sure my grief journey would have been successful without that early nudge. I'm forever grateful.

The impact of baby loss on dads

The advice I would give to anyone going through this is, it’s okay to talk about miscarriage. People find it awkward and uncomfortable, but the baby you lost is not a dirty secret or anything shameful. All that love in your heart you had for that baby can still be put to good use in its memory. It’s about opening up and working out ways to channel that into coping mechanisms.

The physical trauma of baby loss sits with Mum of course. But the emotional trauma of the experience and seeing what Mum goes through can really impact Dad. I’d stress that it’s ok for dads to open up and talk about the impacts it has on them, without feeling guilty as they didn’t experience the physical trauma.
 

Breaking the taboo

Our son was born in 2022, and whilst we are filled with love, we will never forget our first baby.

 
As a small thank you for the work Tommy’s do, I ran the London Marathon last year as part of Team Tommys, raising over £3k. The huge ROAR of support as I ran past the Tommys fan station during the race was a moment I will never forget. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, although I’d have to shift a few pounds of post-race weight!

As part of my fundraising, many friends, mums and dads, reached out to me to share similar experiences. Raising awareness and breaking the taboo of miscarriage was almost as much of an achievement for me as running the race or raising the cash.