An amazing pregnancy
In April 2023, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. It was a shock to me and my boyfriend Jack, but I was so excited to become a mummy.
During my pregnancy, I did everything ‘by the book’. I ate well, I took my prenatal vitamins every single day, cut out unhealthy habits and looked after my body. My pregnancy was absolutely amazing.
I felt so lucky to have minimal symptoms and complications apart from being extremely tired. I went to every single appointment and scan to be told everything was fine and our baby was growing perfectly.
Our world came crashing down
But, on 8 September 2023, I started bleeding very heavily. I rushed straight to hospital, where they told me I was in established labour at 23 weeks and 4 days. They said there was nothing they could do to stop it. I had to deliver my son knowing that he likely wouldn’t survive.
Roman was born sleeping at 5:33am on the 9 September 2023, weighing 1lb 8oz. Our entire world came crashing down.
Before little Roman was born, we were given the promise of time to spend with him alive once he was born. But as he passed away during birth, we never got to hear him breathe or watch him open his eyes.
Spending time with Roman
We did get to spend 2 beautiful days loving him and spending lots of time with him, as any new parents would their baby. We got to bathe him and pick out a tiny outfit, the ones we had at home would’ve swamped him as he was so tiny. We had so many cuddles and chatted away to him as if he was still here.
“Saying goodbye to him and leaving him alone in the hospital was the most heart wrenching experience.”
Knowing that our little boy was being wheeled in his cot down to the mortuary was something that no parent should never have to go through.
Feelings of guilt
Lots of people I went to school with are now starting to have families of their own, which is extremely difficult for me to cope with. I feel an immense amount of guilt for not being happy for them or not wishing them a congratulations. But I’m still just stuck in my own head thinking “why did this have to happen to me”.
In some ways, I feel guilty for being so uneducated about baby loss – it never once crossed my mind. I was naïve to the fact these things happen to real people and not just on TV. I believe it’s important to raise awareness of baby loss, as nobody is immune to it, which is why I’m sharing my story.
My advice to others going through baby loss would be: be patient and allow yourself to feel. Giving myself the time to feel all the emotions that come with such a tragic event has helped me come to terms with what has happened to me.
