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Seeing and holding your stillborn baby
Spending time with your baby
How long can I spend with my stillborn baby?
Saying goodbye
Although it can be a hard thing to think about, before your baby is born the midwife caring for you will talk to you about what you think you would like to happen afterwards. It is your choice whether you see your baby and spend time with them, but this can be an important step in your journey of grieving. If you choose to do it, it may be hard and upsetting but it can also be a very special experience.
For most parents, recognising your baby as a person is important. Taking time to create memories and acknowledge your baby’s existence in the world can be helpful. Parents have told us that it helped them cope with the grief later. Parents often describe having “one chance to get it right”.
You’re probably going to find it difficult to make clear decisions at this moment. Try to be kind to yourself and not be too hard on yourself if you regret any decisions later.
Seeing and holding your stillborn baby
The decision whether you see and hold your baby is a very personal one. Your maternity team is there to support you and will help you think about what might be best for you.
In the past, many parents who had stillborn babies were not allowed to see them. Some are still sad they never had this chance.
While you’re deciding, try to think about how you feel now, but also how you might feel in the future. Many parents have told us that they were glad that they spent time holding their baby, even though they thought they might not want to at the time.
If you’re frightened about what your baby might look like, you can ask your midwife to describe them to you first or take a photo for you to look at before you make the decision. You might choose to just see your baby’s hand or foot. Your midwife can help you with this.
“I had asked my lovely midwife, Tina, to look at him first as I didn't know what was for the best and as we didn't know when he had died I didn't know what to expect. She brought him to me, to us, and we were in love immediately with the perfect little boy that we never had the chance to meet. He was perfect-looking like a sleeping baby.”
Sarah, who lost her son Tristan. Read Sarah’s story.
It is ok to change your mind. Do not worry about asking to see your baby even if you have already said no. If it is possible, the hospital staff will help you.
"It’s normal to change your mind. Any decisions you make around seeing or not seeing your baby don’t need to be final. Even if you don’t want to see your baby, having a photograph (even on a memory card), or a memory box you don’t open, is better than regretting your decision not to have anything at all."
Vicky Holmes, specialist bereavement midwife
Spending time with your baby
This is your time, your baby and your memories. You will know what’s best for you and your family. Here are some things you might want to do.
You might want to bathe your baby. If your baby's skin might be too fragile or delicate, the midwife may suggest a very gentle wash instead. Either way, hospital staff will be able to help and support you.
You may want to dress your baby in particular clothes and/or wrap them in a shawl or blanket. Some parents may feel that these are ways they can care for their baby and have a chance to look at them more closely.
You might want to sleep with your baby in a cot next to you for the night. The hospital can provide a special cool cot for this.
You might want to read a story to your baby or sing to them. Some parents may wish to say prayers with their baby.
You may decide to name your baby. If there is any uncertainty around your baby’s sex, you could choose a name that could be suitable for either sex.
Take as much time as you need. It is your child and your decision. It is up to you who is with you and who is not. You will get support from hospital staff with this.
Some parents decide to take their baby home with them. Legally you can do this, unless a coroner or procurator fiscal has ordered a post-mortem (a medical examination to help find out why your baby died).
Ask your midwife for information about taking your baby home. You will need to fill in a form and find out how best to keep your baby cool at home.
"Owen stayed at home with us until the funeral. His nursery was all ready for him so it felt natural to keep him there, in a coffin in his cot, for the following three days. It was comforting for us to have him with us at home."
Keith, who lost his son Owen. Read Keith's story.
Read more about creating memories of your baby.
How long can I spend with my stillborn baby?
Legally your baby can stay with you for as long as you would like, unless the coroner or procurator fiscal has ordered a post-mortem. It is important to know that over time there will be changes to your baby's appearance and condition. These changes can be slowed using a special cool cot.
If the coroner or procurator fiscal has ordered a post-mortem, this may need to be done soon after birth. The hospital staff can support you with spending as much time as possible with your baby before this needs to happen.
If you wish to have a post-mortem, it is recommended that this happens as soon as possible after the birth to increase the chance that all tests can be done (some cannot if there have been changes in your baby's condition). But it is often possible to spend time with your baby after the post-mortem.
Saying goodbye
After being discharged from the hospital, you can still arrange to return to the hospital to see your baby. Contact the labour ward, mortuary or bereavement midwife who can arrange this for you. When the time comes for your baby to go to the mortuary, you can sometimes carry them there. This will also give you the chance to meet the people caring for your baby.
Read more about planning a funeral or arranging a blessing.
Stillbirth stories
