I lost my first baby boy on 9 March 2017. I lost my second baby boy on 9 March 2018, and I was cared for by the same nurses who unfortunately remembered me from the year before.
Both of those pregnancies ended when I was 17 weeks pregnant, in the same room at the same hospital, with the same excruciating pain of childbirth – and with no babies to bring home.
To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement.
They were very difficult years for me; I battled depression, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, and anger. I wanted to understand why my babies kept dying, while everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant and bringing home healthy babies?
Terrified of being pregnant again
The thought of getting pregnant again filled me with so much fear as I could not bear to lose another baby. I thought of adopting, but something within me said that one day I would carry my own baby to full-term, and so we decided to try again.
When we found out we were expecting again in August 2018, I was happy but terrified. Every day was a struggle, but I had to stay positive and have faith that this time things would be different.
Having lost two babies, it was reassuring to be given special care, with weekly scans throughout my pregnancy and bed rest for the second half of it. I was also advised to have an operation to stitch my cervix closed, to help keep my baby safe inside and stop me going into premature labour.
At 37 weeks pregnant, I had the cervical stitch removed. I worried that my baby would come right away, but the day passed and still he stayed inside my tummy.
Finally on 13 April 2019, my beautiful little boy was born, my rainbow after the storm.
My second rainbow baby
In 2021, I found out I was pregnant again. We went back to see Prof Shennan, who fitted me with a stitch. As with my previous pregnancy, it kept my baby safe inside until the stitch was removed. Our second son, Leonidas Shiloh Bonful, was born in October 2021, making Maximus a big brother.
Part of me will always be missing
Losing a child is the most painful thing I have ever experienced; a part of me will always be missing. And yet the babies that I lost have helped to give me a newfound perspective on life and love.
I will always be grateful for all my boys, my 2 precious babies in heaven and the 2 in my arms here on earth, because they helped me to see that life truly is a gift.
If you have ever experienced the loss of a child, please know that you will experience dark days, but you will also experience good days, and both are okay. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel - only then can the healing process begin.