I often wonder what he'd look like, sound like and how his cuddles would feel as a 2.5 year old

Starting a family

Jim and I have been together for 11 years, and happily married for 7. We’re best friends and do everything together.  We’d always dreamt of having children, so we were over the moon to welcome our first son, Oscar, in 2018.  

In my first pregnancy, I was much more naïve about baby loss. But I had a placental abruption at 36 weeks, and a traumatic birth, so I was nervous when we got pregnant again.

Our pregnancy with Jasper

In my pregnancy with Jasper, I was extra vigilant and aware of the risk factors. I was on tenterhooks as knew I was high risk and was very scared it was going to happen again.  

We never found out his sex as we’ve always enjoyed the surprise. I had to go to all my antenatal appointments and scans alone as it was lockdown so Jim and I decided it would be lovely to find out at the end together.    

Hello and goodbye

On 13 April 2021, I went into labour at 37 weeks. Our son, Jasper, was born on 14 April, but was unexpectedly unresponsive. After being resuscitated for 30 minutes, he went on to live for a day before heartbreaking passing away in our arms.

He was perfect in every way, very missed and loved.”

His big brother Oscar got to meet his baby brother, and I have a photo of the four of us which I will forever treasure. 

We didn’t even know what neonatal death meant at the time as it’s not something that is ever talked about. I knew sometimes babies were stillborn, but I hadn't ever thought about neonatal death. 

There are many circumstances to why a baby’s death is called as neonatal but for us it was due to neglect. In 2023, a coroner concluded Jasper's death was 'wholly avoidable' and the result of gross failings at the hospital. They also concluded that Article 2 of the Human Rights Act was engaged - this is the right to life, and that no-one should be deprived of their life, which is protected by law.

Even though I had an anxious pregnancy, I carried Jasper for 9 whole months, and it wasn’t until just before birth it went wrong. This will forever be impossible to accept. 

Helping our older son understand

We really struggled with telling Oscar what had happened. He was ready to be a big brother. He met Jasper when he was alive, and we had a very special moment all together, but Oscar had never seen us cry before.  

He was very confused and overwhelmed by what was going on. For nearly 2 years we would say that Jasper was with the angels and in the stars. We couldn’t come to terms with saying he had died or use the word ‘dead’ - it felt so harsh and final.

Oscar started school in September 2022, and we were very open with them about what had happened and that we know he would likely need some help as he got older. His school have been amazing and arranged for him to attend a bereavement session for children who had lost loved ones.  

He wishes for him to come back all the time. The nights when he cries to sleep because he misses him are so hard.  

He often says he wants to build rocket and fly to the moon to get Jasper and if ever has a balloon too to send it up to him. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.”

Dealing with our emotions

Talking is what we’ve found to be the best way to deal with our emotions. Therapy has been the biggest help. I’ve had a lot of treatment including EMDR and CBT. Having someone to talk to is really important. But mostly having such a strong family unit has been amazing. Jim, my parents, siblings and friends and most of all, Oscar. We throw ourselves into him. He has been our saviour.  

A lot of people don’t know what to say, but I promise saying something is better than saying nothing. As any new parent, all you want to do is talk about your baby and this doesn’t change.

If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream. There are no words that can describe the pain of losing a child.”

Things no one should ever need to know

Tommy’s have supported me and my family massively. No one tells you what you need to do when your baby dies. It’s something no one should ever need to know. So, in the first few days after losing Jasper, we turned to Tommy’s to know what to do about a postmortem and a funeral.  

Last year, my Mum ran the London Landmarks Half Marathon for Tommy’s, and in 2024 is running the London Marathon. She found running helped with her mental wellbeing and then able to support us as best as she can.