Regardless of not having a child physically on earth side, I know I still am and always will be a mum

A surprise pregnancy

I’ve always wanted children, but thought because of my irregular periods, I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant naturally.  

So, when I fell pregnant in April 2022, it was a huge shock. I’d been with my partner Charlie just shy of 6 months, and we hadn’t been trying. But although it was massive shock to us both, it was one we wouldn’t change for the world.

I was a low-risk pregnancy the whole way through, and wasn’t worried. Although our daughter started to measure small from 30 weeks, there wasn’t much concern as she was still growing at a good rate. I was kept under midwife care the whole way as I never had any other risk factors.  

But during the last 6/7 weeks of my pregnancy, I had episodes of reduced movements. This meant I had to go in and be monitored, but this was always okay once I had gone in and been checked.

Our daughter Willow

I noticed reduced movements again at 39+3 weeks and went back to the hospital. This is when I was told out of the blue my daughter had died. Words I will never ever forget and didn’t ever expect to hear.

Willow was born a day later via c-section, as I couldn’t physically or mentally cope with a natural birth knowing we had lost her.  

She was a small but perfect 5lb 7oz and it was the best and hardest day of our lives.”

We stayed in hospital with Willow for 2 days and headed home afterward. We never found out why we lost Willow - her postmortem showed a healthy baby ready to enter the world. This is the most heartbreaking part.  

Coping with grief

We have so many pictures, and all the keepsakes we have of our daughter are so special to us. We have a heartbeat bear, that holds our girl’s heartbeat. It comes absolutely everywhere with us. The hospital also provided a memory box, and we had visits from an emotional support midwife where I could talk about my daughter and story freely.

Willow was our first child, and our only experience of pregnancy, so for us to lose her has been so hard. But my partner Charlie is my rock, and I’m very lucky to have him.  

Losing Willow has given us an even more amazing bond, as she is the glue that solidifies our love for each other.”

I also turned to Tommy’s midwives early on in my loss and never felt judged or rushed when telling my story or asking for advice. They have so much research, and support for anyone going through loss or pregnancy.  

Still a Mum

Mother’s Day is hard, but is still a day to be celebrated. To me, being a mum is having an unconditional love for your child, a feeling I felt as soon as I got my positive pregnancy test. Regardless of not having a child physically on earth side, I know I still am and always will be a mum.  

We’re still mums, regardless of loss at any stage of pregnancy, if you’re trying to conceive, or not able to have children. Even anyone who longs to be a mother, we are always mums. And I keep that so close to my heart.