I’ve always wanted a family
Growing up in a large Indian family, there was always a baby on hand to cuddle. I always dreamt of one day having my own babies to look after.
My husband, Marcus and I started trying for a baby shortly after we got married and fell pregnant very quickly, just a couple of months later. I loved being pregnant – I felt well, kept active and even craved fresh fruit. Winner! Our daughter, Jasmin, arrived in 2012, 11 months after our wedding. She’s perfect in every way and we couldn’t have been happier.
Losing our baby
By September 2014 I was pregnant again, and we were excited to extend our family. But immediately, it felt different. I started to bleed at 10 weeks in, and we lost the baby. I had miscarried. Our plans and visions for our family were torn part within minutes. We were completely broken and didn’t know where to turn.
I called the doctor as I was bleeding so badly. They told me to rest but didn’t give me much advice or information other than that. I felt so alone and unsupported. I just wanted to someone to hear me.
I felt like I was to blame.”
At the time, I felt like I was to blame. We’d been on holiday and I blamed myself for carrying my then-15 month old daughter, for going on an aeroplane, for lugging a case around, even for eating less healthily on holiday. Because I blamed myself I found it hard to talk about what happened and didn’t tell anyone at the time, only Marcus and my mum.
Our baby boy
We fell pregnant again 6 months later. I felt so worried, convinced it would happen again. Marcus could not understand it, but he tried to be there for me. I was anxious all the way up until our scan.
After the scan, I felt more at ease. The rest of the pregnancy went well, but we were still a bit anxious. Our rainbow baby boy, Zachary, was born in November 2015. He’s everything we could have wanted and more.
Don’t feel alone
To anyone going through baby loss I would say: seek support. Talk to your friends, your family, or Tommy’s. Don’t feel alone like I did, because you’re not the only one going through it.
I wish I’d have sought help.”
After my loss, I felt angry with myself, with the doctor. I didn’t think to seek help elsewhere at the time. In hindsight, I wish I did, as talking would have helped for sure.
Giving back to Tommy’s
I wasn’t aware of Tommy’s when I had the miscarriage, but I now know how much they’re making waves in research for pregnancy and baby loss. They’re helping people in times of need and making sure people are feeling supported, which is why I support them.
This year, to raise awareness and money for Tommy’s, I’m taking on the London Landmarks Skyscraper Challenge. The stair climb should be easy breezy, but the descent down the outside of one of London’s tallest skyscrapers could be more challenging. But, it’s all for such an amazing cause so I got this!