The grief hasn’t gotten any easier, but it is different

My loss

I got married to my childhood sweetheart at age 21, he was 23. We always said we’d like children at some point but not for a while. I was nearly 30 when I first got pregnant in 1987.

I worked in a bank, it was a Friday and was run off my feet as it was always busy. I had a low stomach ache on my bus journey home, but I thought it was because I hadn’t had a chance to nip to the loo all day. When I finally got home and went to the toilet, I noticed a lot of blood stains.

I rang my GP and he came to see me at home. He said I could be miscarrying, but that I couldn’t do anything to make a difference. I was told to take time off work, and that they’d call me later in the week to see how I was.  

I remember one evening having the most awful low backache that came in waves. I had to sit astride a dining chair draped over the back of it. My sister said it sounded like labour pains.  

My GP eventually arranged for me to have a scan a week afterwards and was told by the sonographer there was no heartbeat and the fetus was around 9/10 weeks. I was around 16 weeks pregnant by my own calculations.

Support from the hospital

After the scan, I was sent to a women’s cottage hospital immediately. We were left in the scan room and given cups of tea while they arranged via my GP what to do.  

I was then put on a long ward with at least 16 beds in it. There were women there for hysterectomies, for D&Cs after miscarriage, even for abortions. I was absolutely devastated listening to them.

I had my procedure that afternoon and was kept in overnight. My husband came to pick me up the next morning - I was hysterical within minutes of our journey. I had no further contact with the hospital, no follow up or support.

When I contacted my GP the next week, asking to be signed off from work, he said he would only sign me off for the rest of the week. In his opinion, it would help me if I went back to work!

Support from others

Everyone knew about my loss. My mum and sister were supportive, and we had a close neighbour who came across when I got home from the hospital. I remember after hugging me, she then hugged my husband and asked him how he was. We both had support from our families and friends.

I actually gave up work not long after my miscarriage. I hardly left the house but if I had to, and I was on my own, I used to check from the upstairs windows that there were no neighbours around as I just couldn’t face speaking to anyone.  

I became extremely house proud and made charts of chores which I would proudly tick off. In hindsight, I think I was suffering with depression, but I never went to the doctors about it. Having something to achieve (a gleaming home) helped me. I slowly started to come out of that awful time.

Our wonderful daughters

We decided to try again, and it took about 16 months before I got pregnant. I was having investigative tests and it was only when the hospital rang me asking why I’d not rang to make the appointment that I realised I could be pregnant. I was! We welcomed our daughter, Alicia, in September 1989.

After having Alicia, we thought we would have problems conceiving again. But soon after, I knew I was pregnant straight away. Abigail was born early, in October 1990.  

Alicia’s loss

Around 30 years after my own loss, my daughter Alicia had her own experience.  

Alicia had at least 3 miscarriages between 2016 and 2017, all with early bleeding. During at least one of those pregnancies, she had a scan that showed all was okay, but then still miscarried.  

It was horrible watching her go through it, knowing what it was like."

I even thought it was a curse, that we couldn’t carry boys in our family. She has said she knew she could talk to me about her miscarriages as I knew how it felt. I felt that as long as she knew I was there for her no matter what, it might help her a little bit.

Alicia was accepted for IVF which was successful at their first attempt. They welcomed their rainbow daughter in October 2018.

My daughter soon got pregnant again, but noticed early bleeding during this pregnancy. She was adamant she needed progesterone, but had to go private to be prescribed it. After taking progesterone, the bleeding stopped and their second baby, a son, was born in April 2020.  

The next year, Alicia got pregnant again and had more early bleeding. This time, she was prescribed progesterone on the NHS. The bleeding stopped, and she welcomed her second son in December 2021.  

Getting used to the grief  

The grief hasn’t gotten any easier, but it is different. I still get upset on 28th August every year (the day I had that scan), and every year I light a candle. I used to tell myself there might have been something wrong with the baby and it was nature’s way, but I’m not so sure of that now.

On around the 30th anniversary in 2017, I decided to get a tattoo that I’d seen that honoured miscarriage. I’d never wanted a tattoo and surprised everyone. It’s on my left lower inner arm, and it’s a woman’s head at the top, breasts with her heart, pregnant stomach with baby and heart. Alicia came along and had the same design tattooed on her side.