Don’t feel guilty for not wanting to celebrate Mother’s Day

Beginning our journey  

When we started trying for our family over 6 years ago, we got pregnant very quickly and easily. We were over the moon, so excited to be having a baby. We’d been together for a long time and knew this was right.    

However, at 10 weeks I started bleeding and had a miscarriage. The next 4 years were full of grief, heartache, frustration and desperation as this kept happening. Our local doctors at the hospital couldn’t understand why this was happening - they had tested us for various things which all came back ‘normal’.    

Referral to Tommy’s  

After our fourth loss, just before our wedding, I did some research and read all about Tommy’s. I got my GP to refer me to the recurrent miscarriage clinic in Coventry, which he was more than happy to do. After our honeymoon we had our appointment with the amazing Professor Quenby who had an answer for us.  

It seems my womb lining isn't very smart and doesn't know to reject fertilised eggs that aren't quite right - which is why we got pregnant so easily. There was a new trial involving sitagliptin, a diabetes drug that seemed to improve the womb lining via stem cell generation. And we were at the top of the list for this trial.    

However, this was 1 day before lockdown due to the pandemic, so everything had been put on hold. 

We were reassured that if we wanted to keep trying in the meantime, Tommy’s would support us."

Another miscarriage  

The thinking was, my womb would pick a good egg at some point - it was just not known when. So, we went off with some progesterone as an extra precaution and decided to keep going.  As you can probably predict, within a month I was pregnant again. We were cautious but happy.  

But, 3 weeks later I had started bleeding, which was terrifying as I knew the hospitals were so overwhelmed at this point. I called Tommy’s and they saw me within 2 days which was amazing. They were so supportive.  

Thankfully it was physically quite a straightforward miscarriage and I didn't need any medical intervention other than pain relief. Mentally - we were beaten!  

Our beautiful daughter  

Covid didn't seem to be ending any time soon so after a couple of months we decided to try again. In September of that year, I found out I was pregnant again - but this time it felt different. My symptoms were very strong right from week 4, so I think deep down I knew that was a good sign but I didn't want to get my hopes up.  

Many, many scans, panic attacks and tears later, we got past the first trimester for the first time ever. Seeing a baby on the screen was so beautiful, however my joy would only last for 5 minutes before my anxiety would kick in.    

For the next 6 months, I felt like I was holding my breath until our daughter was born.”  

Her cry was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard and for the first time in years I felt relief. We thank our lucky stars every day that we have our beautiful daughter.    

Trying for a sibling  

I have always wanted 2 babies. Being an only child meant there were many times I craved a sibling, so I wanted that for Bridget. I wouldn't have rushed so much if it wasn't for my age and knowing how long it took last time. Being older, it took a few months, but we fell pregnant again and found out on Bridget's second birthday.    

Naively, we thought my body might just know what to do now and we got excited. Sadly, 5 weeks later, I had another missed miscarriage. I contacted Tommy's to see if there was any update on the trial that we should have been on and to see if we could talk to Professor Quenby. 2 months later we had our appointment - hoping there was a happy update.    

What Tommy’s means to us  

Unfortunately, the trial didn’t lead to our rainbow baby. But I have an open appointment should anymore developments happen and for any support we need. So again, we look to the stars and hope we can give Bridget a sibling.  

Tommy’s are important to us and their support has meant the world to us. You can tell they genuinely love doing the research and really want to help people in these sad situations. We need to keep the research going so that we can minimise the grief that people go through right now.  

Mother’s Day  

Being a mum means the world to me. I love being a mum. My life has a larger meaning now and I get to see the world through her eyes.  

Before Bridget, on Mother’s Day I would take the day off social media and have a 15 minute cry to myself in the morning. I needed that release of not being able to celebrate that I was a mum with a baby in my arms, but would then just focus on being lucky enough to celebrate my amazing mum.  

My advice to others on Mother's Day would be: do what you need to do. I know plenty of people who would celebrate because you are a mum from the moment you see those 2 little lines - no matter what happens. But don’t feel guilty for not wanting to celebrate or join in. If you want to just sit, watch films and eat chocolate all day - then do it. If you need to stay off social media for a week and stay inside - you do it. Take the day to do whatever you need to.