Being a mum means living the impossible dream

Anna and Murielle had 4 heartbreaking losses in their journey to start a family. After losing her twin at 8.5 weeks, they welcomed their daughter Élise in 2022.

The option of having a family

My partner Murielle and I have been together for 10 years, and we’d both always wanted to have a family. But we didn’t think this would be possible in our youth, as it was a very different time growing up gay in the 80's, 90's and early 2000's.  

However, due to the advancements of gay rights and changes in laws, we knew having a family could be an option for us by the time we got together in 2013.

Starting IVF

Our first cycle of IVF was scheduled for March 2020 but was cancelled because of the Covid lockdown and clinic closure (good fun!).  Fortunately, we were able to resume our treatment in June 2020.    

We got pregnant, but I started to feel period-like symptoms and knew something was wrong. We had our first loss at 5 weeks in July 2020. We then had another 2 losses – our second at 6 weeks in November 2020, and our third at 5 weeks again in February 2021.  

After the third miscarriage, our IVF clinic finally classed my case as that of 'recurrent miscarriage'. We didn’t receive any support but were advised to get further tests done, which we did.

Our twin pregnancy

In 2021, we got pregnant again and found out we were expecting twins.

I found most of my pregnancy quite difficult. This was largely due to the anxiety and worry because of the losses we had endured. I was also very sick up until about 16 weeks (morning, noon and night!).  

At around 8 weeks, I had sudden bleeding, which was terrifying. We’d had a viability scan just 1 week earlier, which had shown both embryos had heartbeats and looked fine at the time. But at 8.5 weeks, we lost one of the twins.

Losing one of our babies, known as 'vanishing twin syndrome', only served to heighten our worry and fear. The twin showed up on our scans until 20 weeks, at which point they’d been reabsorbed and only an empty sac remained.

Élise

The end of my pregnancy was also difficult - I had very bad swelling and could hardly walk. I ended up being induced at 41 weeks and 3 days and because of complications, I had to have an emergency c-section. After a 36-hour labour, our daughter Élise was born.

Our baby wasn’t breathing when she was born, so was taken straight to NICU. It wasn’t the best of experiences, but we were forever grateful throughout the pregnancy and in a constant state of disbelief. We just couldn’t believe we were going to have a child. We felt so incredibly lucky.  

Anna, Murielle and their daughter Elise

Dealing with grief

My mum was beyond brilliant when we had our losses. It was a difficult time due to all the Covid lockdowns. We couldn't go out anywhere throughout much of our treatment as we were shielding and had to be very careful. But my mum and I went on many socially distanced walks and she was (and still is) the best listener in the world.  

We were also part of the fantastic IVF / TTC community on Instagram. We met so many incredible friends in the online community who were wonderfully supportive throughout our journey.  

Advice for others

My advice for others would be: be selfish when going through such difficulties. You don’t have to be the ‘good friend’ and attend baby showers. Look after yourself first. Also, push for medical intervention if it’s not already being provided.

What being a mum means to us

To us, being a Mum means living the impossible dream. Every day we look at our daughter and just can't believe she is here. Everything we do, from small things to big things, all just seem surreal.  

We’re grateful for all our IVF journey taught us; we really wouldn’t be the same parents, or people, we are today if it had worked first time. We hope our daughter doesn’t have to endure the same difficulties we did if she chooses to have a family of her own one day; but, if she does, we are ready to support her 100%. The struggle really is part of the story. 

My experience of loss as a non-biological mum 

When a baby dies, it's common to focus on the woman or person who was pregnant. But, non-birthing parents go through loss too, and their experiences and feelings matter.

We spoke to Murielle about her experience of pregnancy and loss as a non-biological mum. 

What was it like going through and watching Anna go through your losses?

It was tough - seeing Anna going through the physical pain, I felt quite powerless. We are also all different people and therefore we deal with loss, grief and pain in such different ways. 

Anna and I always communicate well with each other, but there are times when you can’t find the words anymore to help the other one, especially when you're going through the same thing at the same time. We're a good team and when one of us was down, the other one was trying to lift the other one back up, and so on. It helped massively.

I am quite a positive person, but after our third loss, I was not having much hope anymore. I went through our last embryo transfer not even daring to hope for any positive outcome.

Did you feel you were treated differently because you weren’t carrying the babies?

Surprisingly during the pregnancy, healthcare professionals whenever we went to appointments, most of the time, ask “and you are?”. Asked this way, it makes you feel a bit alienated from the process, but I never felt I were treated differently once we passed that initial “awkward/cold question”.

After the birth, when people were meeting our daughter for the first time, the usual question was “it is your turn next, when are you getting pregnant?”. 

With time, this question has become rare – but I do find this question extremely invasive, and it is basically assuming that because I have a uterus 1) I can conceive and 2) I want to be pregnant. So I spent the first few months after our daughter’s birth justifying myself to people about why I don’t have a desire to get pregnant or go through fertility treatment. People underestimate how mentally destructive social pressure can be.

Now our daughter is almost 2 and a half and we're further away from the birth and newborn stage, I don’t feel that I am being treated differently because I didn’t carry her and not many people ask me if I will get pregnant anymore.

How did you find talking to colleagues and loved ones about your experience?

This was another difficulty during the process. I very rarely talked in detail about my experience to friends, family or colleagues while it was happening. I just struggled to find the words and while people were trying to be nice, they couldn't necessarily relate and so they were struggling to find words which were helpful.

Also, while going through the experience, I did feel quite numb emotionally. Talking to other people about how I feel, drained me even more emotionally, so I tend to keep things inside.

Now with time, I am 100% talking about my experience, as I see it as a way of helping others. People need to know that they are not on their own and if my experience can help someone, then it is worth for me talking about my experience.

What advice would you give to other non-biological mums going through loss?

This is one of the hardest things you will experience in your life, it is normal to feel down and lose hope. 

Listen to your partner, give all the support you can – but know also when to raise your hand when you do not feel well and need the support too. People will naturally show support to the pregnant one, but you also need to look after yourself and feel supported as well.

What is like to be the mum of a rainbow baby?

At first, I was quite anxious as she seemed so fragile, and I struggled to realise she was finally here – I was worried she would be taken from us again.

But having a rainbow baby makes the parenthood journey even more special. We were so close to never having her. There is not one day that passes by when I am not telling myself how lucky I am, so I make sure I enjoy every little thing with her.