After a textbook first pregnancy, recurrent miscarriage has been a shock

Starting a family

Olly and I met at university and married in 2017. From similar backgrounds, we knew early on that we wanted children, a family. After 15 years in London we moved back to Manchester in 2019 and I got pregnant really easily. The pregnancy itself was textbook and, although I was induced, there were no complications when Rafi was born.

Looking back I think I was very naïve but, after that first experience of pregnancy, I never thought I’d go on to have the complications I did.

We began trying for our second in December 2021 and I found out I was pregnant in January but, a week or so later, suffered a heavy bleed and knew I was miscarrying.

Experiencing loss after loss

I had 6 losses between January 2022 and June the following year, 4 chemical pregnancies and 2 missed miscarriages. I worked out that I knew I was pregnant for 41 out of 78 weeks. 

The first 2 were chemical then I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks after our baby stopped growing at 7 or 8 weeks. That’s when I was referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic, from there it’s been a waiting game that is just hell.

In the early days I blamed myself a lot. I’ve always been quite active and still did hot yoga now and again when I didn’t know I was pregnant so blamed myself for that. I was paranoid about caffeine, was that one extra coffee to blame? Was I too stressed at work? I left my last job because of the stress but ultimately carried on miscarrying. 

The trying, the loss, consumes your life and it’s so lonely. 

Even when you find people in similar situations, it’s such a personal journey, a lonely one.

Finding support

Finding a recurrent miscarriage group on Facebook and finding Tommy’s did change things and I don’t know if I would be where I am now without their resources. I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant, the furthest I’ve got since Rafi.

It’s been such an anxious pregnancy and doesn’t get easier the further along you get. I’ve paid for so many private reassurance scans because you constantly think the worst. It’s been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions and I think will continue to be so until the baby arrives.

Tommy’s research and studies has given me a better understanding of things that are quite complex and hearing other people’s stories really helps. 

I’m hoping to run the Royal Parks Half Marathon for Tommy’s next year, for Tommy’s, and for me. With everything I’ve gone through you lose your sense of identity, there’s a very real impact on your mental and physical health. 

I’ve not been diagnosed but think I’ve probably got hyperfertility, I get pregnant really easily but complications follow. It’s been tricky in terms of support, I’ve only gone through NHS general testing. I did ask for a referral to Tommy’s but was advised by my local recurrent miscarriage team to stick with them as they knew my history.

Searching for answers

They’d given me a consultation after the third miscarriage, tests, but there’s so much waiting and the results all came back normal. After the fourth loss they put me on progesterone and aspirin at 7 weeks, it’s the process they follow.

I did decide eventually to go to a private clinic which covers a lot of bases. Through my own research I felt I wanted to try something that helped with my immune system. The lady at the private clinic also worked for the NHS so she was able to give me a prescription and a plan which included steroids for the first time, as soon as I got a positive test along with progesterone and aspirin and, further down the line, blood thinning injections into my tummy.

In June I found out I was pregnant and knew immediately it didn’t feel right then had a chemical pregnancy half way through our holiday. That’s when I decided I wanted to take steroids earlier and did so from 3 days post ovulation which seems to have worked this time.

Rafi is really excited about the baby. We’d made the mistake of telling him with previous pregnancies so left it until after our 20 week scan this time. He loves reading his ‘I’m going to be a new big brother’ book and is always kissing my bump.

I’m also starting to feel more hopeful but, anyone who has been through loss will know, I won’t really relax until the baby is here. I can only hope everything will be okay.

The lasting impact of recurrent miscarriage

Grief comes in waves. I can’t read a story of someone else going through this without getting emotional. It is such a lonely, horrible place to be. You feel like nobody understands, nobody can unless they’ve been through it.

And it is exhausting, it completely consumes you. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else, work suffered, friendships suffered, our relationship suffered. All I wanted was a successful pregnancy.

After one textbook pregnancy and birth, this has been a shock. I know people who have struggled to conceive but not who have suffered recurrent miscarriages after a straightforward first pregnancy. 

In a way, each pregnancy has been about expecting the worst. I feel angry because there’s so much that, if I’d known earlier, I probably would not have suffered so much loss.

I feel the information I found through my Facebook group and the Tommy’s website needs to be more widely available. The NHS needs to offer more guidance and signposting on resources to help us support ourselves.

I also feel that women in this situation aren’t listened to enough. I was lucky, I had no awful conversations with medical professionals, but I’ve heard so many stories from those who felt they weren’t listened to. There’s a lack of knowledge amongst medical professionals around loss and secondary infertility, are they reading the Tommy’s website to find out what’s happening in the industry? They should be. So often I felt it was me informing them and that really isn’t how it should be.