6 ½ years on since my first miscarriage and still no baby number 2

I always wanted 2 children and after having our first child, I thought it would be easy enough to have another. But how wrong we were. It’s 6 ½ years on since my first miscarriage and still no baby number 2. 

We had our beautiful first son (who is now 8) having got pregnant with no problems except at the end of the pregnancy.

Experiencing recurrent loss for the first time

After this, I got pregnant back again in May 2016 but sadly lost the baby at 9 weeks. I’d seen the midwife and booked in the 12 week scan. They phoned when I was going through the miscarriage to book my appointment. Unfortunately even though I had been in hospital going through the miscarriage, my details hadn’t gone through to them about the scan. I got some help from the doctors and was added to the waiting list to see a counsellor. 

Then in October, I got pregnant again. I was so worried about losing another baby and then it sadly happened again. I started bleeding and I knew it was over.

The second miscarriage was much harder as I had to go back and forth to the hospital. Friends were also falling pregnant with their second baby. I really struggled to go to play groups and see families with 2 kids as it felt like they were everywhere I looked. 

Reaching out for help 

Having been on the waiting list for some time to see a counsellor, I ended up finding one myself in May 2017. The miscarriages had caused my mental health to spiral. I didn’t realise but I’d always struggled with anxiety and this had now got out of control. 

My counsellor helped me to realise that it wasn’t me. I remember her saying ‘no wonder you feel like this’.

We decided to go and get help from private doctors after realizing we couldn’t get any from our GP until I had 3 consecutive miscarriages. I had various tests and they couldn’t find any reason for the miscarriages. I was given fertility drugs as my periods were irregular which helped me feel like I was taking some control. 

I fell pregnant again in September 2017 and thought all was going well. I was monitored as I felt paranoid and dreamt of losing the baby. I had an early scan at 7 weeks and there was our little baby with heart beating. I felt I just needed to get past 9 weeks and it’ll be ok. 

Sadly at exactly 9 weeks it happened again. I was a total mess. I took time off work but I realized it wasn’t long enough afterwards. 

I had more tests done and was told I was unlucky. That is hard to hear when you want to know the reason. My husband was ready to give up but I thought “no we have to try again, we can’t give up.” My husband found it much easier to move on and that was hard for me. He just wanted to look on the bright side which I did understand.

For a short time in 2018, I was put on low dose anti-depressants after hitting rock bottom and had to take time off work for a couple of months. I knew it was because I hadn’t grieved properly. 

Deciding to try again

It took us 3 years before we felt ready to try again and I fell pregnant in October 2020. We found out on the Monday and by the Thursday afternoon I started to bleed. I was only about 5 weeks pregnant and it was over again.

The only good thing that came out of this is my GP finally referred me to a specialist recurrent miscarriage clinic and it didn’t take long before I had my initial phone appointment. I had a really good conversation where we discussed my options.

This included having my bloods checked again where I was recommended to take Coenzyme Q10 and Vitamin E (alongside Vit D and folic acid) for egg quality. I was also told when I get pregnant to take progesterone. 

Having been trying for some time, we decided to look at IVF as an option. My husband and I went to the appointment where we were told that due to my age, my egg quality is poor. They said the chances of IVF working wouldn’t be any different than trying naturally. In a way hearing all these facts helps me to come to terms with it all but it is still really sad to hear. 

Processing our journey and grief

It has taken so long for me to start to be myself again. I have to work at it all the time. Talking about it all helps me so much so I continue to see my counsellor when I need to. 

It feels as though I didn’t properly acknowledge the miscarriages until after my third. I think I was in denial and didn’t want people to know. What I really needed to do was grieve and have some time out to acknowledge it all and process.

We ended up telling our son so he now understands that we won’t be having another baby. In a way it is a bit of a relief to realise I no longer have to put pressure on myself about it all. I now know I have to be grateful for what I have and make the most of our situation. Life doesn’t always go to plan but you make the most of what you’ve got as life is too short!

I saw my counsellor the other week which was so lovely. She gave me a hug which is just what I needed. I spoke to her about what had happened since I last saw her and how my baby journey has now come to an end. It was just the right thing to do to actually see her and talk it through so I can slowly come to terms with it all 

Miscarriage takes away your confidence and makes you feel so low at times and all you need is to speak to someone and get reassurance that you can feel this way and you will be ok.

I want to make sure other families don’t go through my experience 

I’ve been researching other blogs and I haven’t found any stories where parents have only one child and have struggled to have their second baby and don’t know how to get some sort of closure when the trying stops. I don’t think you will ever feel complete as a family but you find ways to deal with the sad days. 
I hope that by telling my story I can help others who are also going through this so that they know they’re not alone. I want to make sure people are able to get the help they need after their first miscarriage and not feel they have to look themselves. 

If I’d been offered counselling or even someone to just talk things through with after my first miscarriage, that would have helped so much. 

I wish my GP had mentioned Tommy’s and their resources as then maybe things would have been different. I am so grateful for hearing about the organisation and just wish I had heard about them earlier. The most important thing for me now though is I want to try to and make a difference for other families who may go through the same experience as me.