5 things to expect when you have a premature baby

When we find ourselves in neonatal care with a premature baby, everything you’re told to expect when having a baby tends to go out of the window. I hear so many people in therapy say: I just wasn’t told what to expect, my expectations of what I thought it was going to be like were shattered... 

So I want to unpick a little about what to expect, from the point of view of a Clinical Psychologist and a Mum who has been through neonatal care too. 
 

1. You may spend time in survival mode: 

When we are thrown into a situation that feels scary, stressful and overwhelming, our body and brain can go into survival mode as a way of getting through. You may find yourself in fight, flight, freeze or fawn. This response is unconscious, automatic and a way of trying to protect you in a very difficult situation.  

2.    It can take time to feel like a parent:  

You hear about the rush of love when you give birth, for many NICU parents because there is also so much fear and disconnection surrounding birth, it is no wonder that it can take time for that love, that bond to grow. It can take a while to find your feet in the NICU, to feel like you know what you are doing and what your role is. Bonding may look different, but it is very much possible.

3.    You may experience a whole range of emotions: 

I have heard it all, I have felt it all, no emotion is silly and every emotion and feeling is valid. The sooner we accept that a range of emotions come up, the easier it becomes. It is OK to feel angry, sad, relief, jealousy, fear, guilt, grief. Your experience and your feelings surrounding it are so valid.

4.    You might feel the need to grab onto whatever makes you feel in control: 

Having a baby prematurely and being in neonatal care can make you feel so out of control, this is not how you expected it to be at all, so it is only normal for you to feel the need to reach out for anything that makes you feel more in control. 

Becoming a part of your babies' team, engaging in monitoring, pumping at set times, watching the clock, checking, the NICU routine, can all make you feel more in control. 

The issue can come when you are home from NICU and you find the need to continue with these behaviours when you no longer need them. We can still grapple with feeling out of control when we’re home.

5.    You develop a fierce love for your baby: 

The love may trickle in, it may take time, but when it comes in, your love for your premature baby can feel incredibly strong, primal and fierce.  

Finding support 

If you need any further support, know that you can join our community over at @miraclemoonuk. Tommy’s are also here for anyone going through pregnancy, loss, birth and NICU. 

3 in 4 premature births are unexpected and around 53,000 babies a year are born prematurely in the UK. Tommy’s know how important research into premature birth is, why is why they’ve opened a new National Centre for Preterm Birth Research. The centre is dedicated to finding the causes of and treatments for premature birth, so fewer babies are born too soon.