We had to say goodbye to our beautiful little girl before we got the chance to say hello.

Nicola's daughter Rosie was born sleeping at 37 weeks.

by Nicola Tarran

May 2016

I am 30 years old and a type 1 diabetic. I have three healthy children: Rebecca; 10, Kyle; 9, and Hannah; 5. They were all delivered early by C-section due to various complications, including foetal distress and developing pre-eclampsia and they were all born at the same hospital in the North East.

This year I moved to north Wales and fell pregnant with my fourth child, Rosie. She was born at 37 weeks by C-section, weighing 8lb 13. Sadly Rosie was born asleep.

I knew she was going to be called Rosie from the very start. As soon as saw those two pink lines I fell in love. I felt her grow, I felt her move, I knew when she slept and woke. I sang to her every single day and couldn't wait to see her beautiful little face.

From around 28 weeks I started to feel like things weren't right, I'd seen my obstetrician many times and expressed my concerns to him. I kept telling him that I knew something wasn't right.

At 32 weeks I was sent straight from my scan to the assessment ward to be monitored as they were worried, they put the heart monitor on me and Rosie's heartbeat dipped for nearly 20 minutes, I sat and cried fearing the worst.

Then her heartbeat returned to normal and they sent me home even though I didn't want to leave, I wanted to keep that machine on forever!

Every time I saw the doctor I told him "something is not right", I told him she needed to be born.

He said they had to weigh up the options of Rosie being small and unwell or big and unwell. I was always in agony and didn't feel well. But each time I was sent away. Rosie was due to be born on 2 September by C-section. They decided a week before her birth that they would give me steroid treatment for her lungs. On August 26 I arrived at the hospital  for an overnight stay. I told the midwife I had been having terrible pains all day, we were given our bed and told she would be back as soon as she could as they were very busy.

At 7pm the midwife returned with the heart monitor and steroid injection, she injected me with the steroids, then put the jelly and probe on my bump, I said to her "something is wrong." She tried for 20 minutes and couldn't find no sign of heartbeat. She told me not to worry as it was because I was carrying too much water, the doctor then quickly appeared with an ultrasound scan, I didn't look at the screen, I couldn't, I knew.

The doctor looked in my eyes and said I'm so sorry, shaking his head. I fell to my knees and I screamed, I screamed like an animal,I screamed like that for hours, the pain in my heart was unreal. Holding my bump, holding our Rosie, I was taken in for a section, the last thing I remember is getting a message from my sister saying I wish there was something I could do, I said "kelly there is, pray please pray that they've made a mistake." Baby Rosie was born at 11.32pm the most beautiful little girl you ever did see, so tiny yet so so chubby with a load of jet black hair, I held her for hours, all night looking at every single part of her body, from her hair to her tiny toes.

I knew I had to get ready to say goodbye, a few more hours passed and it was time. We had to say goodbye to our beautiful little girl before we got the chance to say hello. Rosie has definitely taken a part of me with her which I don't think will ever return, but I know that way she will never be alone. We miss rosie and love her so very much. Xxx

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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