Tommy's guest blog, 24/02/2017, by Peter Lindley
In December 2015 me and my fiancé Jodie found out that we we're going to have a baby, we we're so excited.
I loved seeing how happy Jodie was that she was having another baby and I was even more happy seeing our little 2 and a half year boy at the time Zach's face when we told him he was going to be a big brother.
Jodie's pregnancy went mostly smooth and it was a joy to see how connected she was with her pregnancy and to also see Zach be so loving to her bump as it grew and to see him wake up every morning and kiss her belly and say I love you baby.
At 16 week we had a private scan to find out the gender and found that we were to have another little boy, we were so happy and soon started to pick out names for our boy and after much discussion we decided on calling our boy Jamie Lee. This name has a big emotional significance to me as my second oldest brother who died at 6 months old was also called Jamie Lee.
It meant a lot to me that Jodie agreed to honour my brothers memory by calling our son the same.
Other than one hospital visit when Jodie was 34 weeks with severe brackston hicks everything was going well Jamie was a little mover and kicker he never seemed to stay still.
I've never been happier than seeing my little man kick at the sound of his mummy's daddy's and little brother voices.
At 40 weeks pregnant we went to the midwife and we heard our little man heartbeat for the last time as two days later on the Friday the 2nd Jodie of September Jodie woke up at half ten and by eleven o'clock she noticed that she hadn't her early morning kick as she had her first brew.
By eleven thirty we started to get worried and decided that we'd go for a trip to the hospital to make sure that all was ok.
Jamie had been kicking away the night before as we were going asleep so weren't overly worried but obviously it's better to be safe than sorry.
We got to the hospital by 2 o'clock as we had to get my mum out of work to meet us there to look after Zach just incase there was something wrong.
When we got to the hospital we spoke to the midwife and she said that all should be fine but it was good we came just to be safe.
Then Jodie was lay on the bed and they had the Doopler on her and she couldn't find a heartbeat and my heart fell through the floor, but the midwife got someone else to check as well just incase he was in an awkward position and my heart raised in to my chest again, but fell seconds later as they still couldn't find a heartbeat.
Then we were told that we would have an emergency ultrasound I still tried to stay positive and 5 minutes later we were in the scan room and then we got the news that shook us to the core that our little boy was dead.
My heart broke into a million pieces as did Jodie's, I just sat there in complete silence, still to this day I struggle to get my head around that our little angel was moving only 12 hours before.
After the initial shock I asked how's it possible then I looked over at Jodie and my heart broke even more to see her face and to see her pain.
We were taken to a room in the hospital so we could have time to take in what we had just been told, mine and Jodie's first thoughts were what do we tell zach, who was in the hospital cafe with my mum.
The first thing we had to do is phone my mum and tell her what happened, when she picked up I couldn't even speak I felt as to say the words out loud would make me sick, all I could say is mum it's not good and straight away she knew.
She came to the room to find us minutes later and both me and Jodie were broken down in tears.
Then I realised that zach was with her too and my heart broke again as his first words were oh Jamie is still in your belly mummy, we cried even more and he didn't understand what was going on or why we were crying.
Then Jodie had to phone her mum and tell her and our hearts broke even more then I realised I had to tell my dad who was getting ready to go to work what had happened, soon my dad was there as was Jodie's mum and my brother, the heartbreak was just getting more and more intense.
Then I suddenly remembered that Jamie was still in Jodie's belly. We were told by the midwife about what would happen next that we had to go to St Mary's hospital and that once we got there that Jodie either be induced there and then or they could give her a tablet and then she could go home for 24 hours.
We decided that it was best to go there and that Jodie be induced, the shock from Jodie being told that Jamie had died had triggered her to start with contractions so when we got to St Mary's she was already 2 cm dialated.
As we got to the hospital we met Dr Heazel who was the dr on duty who told us our options and also told us that he was the man who would help us get answers as to why this had happened to our boy.
Jodie was given a pessaserry to help bring on the labour at around 7pm but by 11pm she was still only 2cm dialated so was given another.
We tried to get some sleep but it was nigh impossible but we had Jodie's mum there with us to keep us company at least and she kept Jodie going strong by around 6 in the morning on the 3rd of September Jodie's contractions were getting stronger so we were moved to a delivery room.
I saw my partner show so much strength during her labour, I was proud to witness how strong she truly is as she bought our angel into this world even through all the physical and emotional strain she was a complete trooper, and finally after 5 and a bit more hours Jamie Lee Mark Ernest Lindley was born sleeping at 11:45 am.
He was absolutely perfect in every way and was absolute bruiser weighing 9lb4oz we just both wish that we got to hear him cry.
When I held him in my arms I was wishing for a miracle hoping that somehow the doctors were wrong and the scan machines were wrong.
After Jamie was born the midwife dressed him in the outfit Jodie had picked for him as he looked so delicate that we couldn't bring ourselves to do it.
We stayed at the hospital with him for 3 more days and spent as much time as we could with him as we wanted to make as many memories as possible in the short time we could spend with him.
We got a lock of his hair and footprints and handprints, while we was at the hospital we had our families coming to visit so they could also spend time with him.
These visits were incredibly difficult but non more so than having Zach come to visit us, we had not yet explained to Zach what had happened as how can you tell a 3 year old little boy that his brother isn't going to be coming home with us?
On the Monday while we were still in hospital we met Vicky the bereavement midwife, who we explained to that we hadn't been able to tell him yet and she suggested about keeping it simple and explaining it in a way he understood.
So we decided to tell him that his brother was poorly in mummy's belly and that when he came out the angels came and took him into the sky, we're not the most religious people in the world but decided this would be the best way.
While we were still in hospital they gave us some arts and crafts to help keep us busy and we made a bracelet for Zach and also a card and little wooden plaque that we got him to place on the memory tree in the hospital, I'd like to thank the midwifes who looked after us so well.
It's hard to believe that before this happened to us I never even gave it a second thought that it could, not once during Jodie's pregnancy did it enter my mind and once it happened it made me realise how little I knew about still births.
Since Jamie was born six month ago me Jodie and Zach have been through a lot in trying to get our heads around this terrible thing that has happened to our family.
It has helped us by having the bereavement midwife team at saint mary hospital there for us and having the St Mary's little angels group and having people like Dr Heazel who has helped us find out why this terrible thing happened to our boy.
Unfortunately he was born with his chord around his neck and a true knot in his chord also, but we have also found out about Tommy's and the great work that they are doing to help save babies like our angel Jamie.
Having family and support like this is going a long way to help us get through the days even though there is a massive hole in a life that no one can ever fill
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