by Tamsyn Flitney
Unfortunately, our joy and happiness was short lived. At just over 7 weeks I began to bleed. At this point I believed things happened for a reason. I threw myself back into my job, but deep down I was crying inside.
My husband and I decided to start trying again a few months later, and in June this year we saw those pink lines again. We were so overjoyed at the prospect of having our little rainbow baby. I shared the news with a few very close friends, family & colleagues. Everyone was so happy for us.
A colleague at work was also expecting, only 4 weeks ahead of me. We would talk regularly about how big our little babies were, comparing our cravings and (for me) how to deal with extreme morning sickness.
We were each other's rock, as for her this was her first pregnancy and I had shared with her that we have lost a baby earlier in the year.
While on holiday, our little girl turned to me and said “mummy, do you have a baby in there?” She grinned from ear to ear in delight when she heard she’d be getting a sibling in the New Year. We all started to talk about names, and she even chose a few toys.
At 15+4 weeks, I started spotting. We were still on our family holiday, and so many thoughts were flooding through my mind. We decided to go to the local hospital. Luckily I was seen very quickly by an English speaking doctor. A scan reassured me that baby was fine, kicking away.
The day we returned from our holiday, I had some further spotting. I could not leave this, so I went to the local A&E. I was scanned at 15+6 weeks. The sonographer was quiet throughout. Then she turned to me & said “I'm not sure if I can see a heartbeat”.
They booked me in for a follow-up a week later, as they said it could be the position the baby was in! I knew that as this stage a heartbeat would be detected.
The following evening I felt as if I was passing something. After investigating, I found myself holding our little girl. At this point I was in disbelief.
I shouted for my husband to come to my assistance. He was so unsure what to do. Unfortunately our ordeal was not over, as I began to bleed heavily. As the bleeding did not seem to be slowing down or easing, we felt there was no option but to call an ambulance.
It wasn’t until the next morning that all my emotions erupted. My first phone call was to my mum, where I just wept.
My colleagues found out that evening, as I work in the hospital. Over the next few days, colleagues would message me to see how I was doing. I couldn't help but notice that my fellow pregnant colleague had not. So I messaged her.
She replied so quickly with 'I can't imagine what you are going through'. But breaking that silence was the right thing to do.
I never imagined that we would lose another. Our hearts were broken; it has felt like our joy has been snatched from us.
As a woman and a wife, I feel this is one of our most precious gifts that we can give.
But instead, we are mourning the loss of our second baby.
The hardest moment was explaining to our little girl.
She could not understand why god would give us this gift of life, only to take it away from us.
As the days and weeks have gone by, we have talked about her. We have named her and will be keeping her spirit alive.
She is and always will be our little angel.
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