Tommy’s guest blog, 27/01/2017, by Sam Payne
Running has not come naturally to me, in fact it took me months when I first started out to even manage to get around a short 5km route. So taking on a marathon is no easy task by any stretch of the imagination!
I was casually browsing some of my running groups online and there was a lot of talk about upcoming marathons, so curiosity got the cat and I started to look at some options for early 2017.
When I saw that Tommy’s were offering places for Brighton Marathon, it felt like the perfect opportunity to push myself and see what I was capable of as well as honouring our forever babies.
2017 marks the 10 year anniversary of losing our first two much loved babies. I will honour them by running Brighton Marathon with the aim of raising as much as I possibly can to help Tommy’s and prevent future mothers experiencing the heartache I went through before being blessed with our beautiful little family.
2007 was the year I remember feeling true heartache for the first time, but it didn't start out that way.
I remember feeling excited, but nervous as we waited for the home pregnancy test to work. I turned the test over....POSITIVE.
Even though this came as a complete shock, I cried with excitement. I was so happy but at the same time I didn't know what we were going to do. We were in the middle of planning our wedding, and moving house, trying to find a new job, life was chaotic to say the least, but it was all going to be ok.
I wanted to scream it from the roof tops, 'I'm having a baby'.
A few weeks passed, I was already planning things in my head. Then it all changed.
I had severe cramps and could hardly stand. Chris (my husband) took me to the hospital, just for them to say there was nothing they could do and send me on my way.
Sometimes I wonder how doctors can be so insensitive, I know I was only in early pregnancy, but this was my baby!
My heart was broken.
A few months went by, and as I did the next pregnancy test I cried through nerves. As the positive came up I was a mixed mess of emotions. Unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be.
A few weeks later I was sent for an early pregnancy scan. The hardest thing in my life was looking at the screen seeing no movement, no heartbeat.
The doctor didn’t speak. I couldn’t speak. I just lay there. My heart had broken all over again.
Lying in the hospital bed for the next two days was torturous, even though I had my husband and family around I felt alone, like no-one understood my pain, pretending to be alright when really all I wanted to do was scream.
I had to have an operation to take my baby away.
This was quite honestly the hardest time of my life. At the time I was young, and didn’t know of anyone going through anything like this, and the hospitals just treated it as an everyday occurrence; mo sympathy at all for my heartbreak.
I suffered awful depression after losing my babies, and it took a long time for me to come to terms with it. Thankfully I had amazing support from Chris and I did come out the other side.
Unfortunately, now I know it is an everyday occurrence and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.
Tommy’s are committed to funding research to find out why this happens, and to help find ways to stop it happening.
Running has become like therapy for me, I run through the good days and run harder on the bad days.
The first time I ran in my Tommy’s vest after getting my place in Brighton I had to stop after a couple of miles and cry, I think the emotion of realising the huge task ahead of me and knowing I was doing it for my babies all got a bit too much.
Even though it's been 10 years since miscarrying our angels, some days it still hurts like it was yesterday.
Follow Sam’s progress on Instagram at this_mum_can.
If you have suffered the pain of miscarriage and are struggling to cope, you can take a look at our information and support pages here. We hope you will find them helpful and comforting.
If you want to join Sam at the Brighton Marathon and help us find the answers to save babies’ lives, you can sign up for your free place here.
There are times when it all feels like too much, but at those times I think of my daughter, who was such a fighter, and suddenly everything seems more manageable again.
"I truly feel without the support of the EPU and the peace of mind given to us through the Tommy's study we would not be where we are today."
Little Anderson was born under the care of the Tommy's Early Miscarriage Research Centre at London Imperial.
My miscarriage story started in February 2016- it was early, at about 6 weeks and I put it down to one of those things.
Looking back at our experience of miscarriage, 10 years on: a partner's perspective