We had been trying for a while, but when I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, it was still a shock. I was breastfeeding my son Kairo and I was told that breastfeeding can be a form of contraception, so I wasn’t expecting it.
I had a pregnancy test in the back of the draw from when I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, so I thought - let me just take a test. I did and two lines appeared - I was overjoyed.
I was booked in for a doctor’s appointment a few weeks after to confirm my due date. I brought all the tests with me, all 7 of them just to show the doctor that they all were positive. He then asked me to take a further urine sample so he can check too.
When he checked the results, he told me ‘there is no baby anymore’. I didn’t believe him. I told him the test was wrong. Later that week I found out I had an early miscarriage.
Months past and I didn’t want my partner, Andrew, to touch me. I told him I didn’t want any more children. But eventually we spoke about what had happened and acknowledged the loss we had experienced together.
The next time I conceived, I just instantly knew. I kept it quiet and didn’t tell Andrew, because I was scared of losing the baby again. A couple of weeks past and I was doing a test every night and morning just to confirm I was pregnant. Then one day, I had to go hospital because I was experiencing pain and began bleeding. That day, Andrew found out I was pregnant and on that same day I lost our second baby.
Finding out I was pregnant again
When I found out I was pregnant this time, I was so happy. I am a little nervous about the pandemic and upset that my partner cannot come into the scan rooms with me. I am a worrier, so I’m always messaging my midwife if my anxiety gets worse.
I think this time though, I’m more appreciative. I thought pregnancy was easy before and I got pregnant super quick with Kairo. But after my two losses, I’ve counted my blessings. I take lots of photos now of my bump and the changes my body has experienced because nobody knows what tomorrow may bring.
I’m very close to my family and they have been amazing. Whenever my thoughts overtake me, they have been there to help. My community midwife has been helpful and has been there to answer any concerns or worries that I’ve had. Facebook support groups have been a life saver during lockdown - it’s nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are feeling.
This time round, I booked a private scan for reassurance. Everything was fine, baby is fine! I know his two siblings are watching over and protecting him, so I do not need to worry. Anytime I feel negative or down about anything I remember that.
Managing feelings of guilt
I find at night is the hardest. My thoughts really play with my mind. Whenever I would feel the baby kick, I used to feel bad that the two babies I lost never had the chance to kick or grow. I feel bad that I’m taking photos of my bump every week to see the changes, going baby shopping for a baby who I’ll see soon and yet, I never was able to do it with them. It hurts, but I need to remember they are always with me. I shouldn’t feel bad, they wouldn’t want me to. I find that journaling my thoughts really does help. It helps me release any pain and emotion, so I’m not keeping it locked inside and taking it out on others.
I think we need to remember our babies would want us to be happy, they wouldn’t want us to sit and dwell on them. Yes, we miss them and love them so much, but life goes on. Our baby’s were too precious for this world so instead they were promoted to angels. That’s how I look at it. Life is hard and sometimes cruel, but we should make the most out of it while we can. I’ve decided to live my life to the fullest and make my angel babies proud because I know they are watching me.
I have little angels around the home to remember them. They are always here with me. I keep them in my thoughts always and we talk about them a lot. They are still a part of our family, even if they aren’t physically here. When lockdown is over and my baby is born, I want to get a tattoo somewhere to remember them. I want them to be permanently on my skin. My angels.