Coping with a premature (preterm) birth

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Coping when pregnant and at risk of premature birth

Your mental health after premature birth

Bonding with your premature baby

Premature birth and the family

Information and support after premature birth

Coping when pregnant and at risk of premature birth

Being told you’re at risk of giving birth prematurely (preterm) can be overwhelming. Every parent hopes for an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth and it can be upsetting when this doesn’t happen. You may feel a mix of emotions, such as fear, guilt, sadness and shock. This is normal.  

Being on high alert for symptoms of preterm labour and needing to attend extra hospital appointments can also cause extra worry.  

Don’t be afraid to tell your healthcare professional how you feel. They won’t judge you and are there to support you. 

You can also speak to one of our midwives for free by calling our pregnancy line on 0800 014 7800 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm), or book a call with our Black and Black-Mixed Heritage Helpline midwives, or email us at [email protected].  

Read about mental health in pregnancy and sources of support. 

Dealing with other people's reactions

Most people will want to be supportive during your pregnancy but may not always get this right for you. People have told us about unhelpful comments such as “at least you won’t have to be pregnant for as long as me”, “perhaps labour will be easier if your baby is smaller” or “at least you won’t get too big”.  

This can be difficult to cope with but try to keep in mind that most people are trying to be kind and may be so anxious to say something that they say things without thinking them through. Try to focus instead on the people who are offering support, who care and understand.  

We hope that for any upsetting comment or reaction you have, there is someone else who says the right things and helps you through this difficult time. 

Looking after yourself

Here are some things you can try to help you stay as calm and relaxed as possible:

• Do things you enjoy that can be distracting or soothing, such as knitting, listening to music/podcasts, or watching tv.
• Take time out for yourself every day. Take a warm bath, listen to some music, close your eyes, gently massage your bump – whatever makes you feel peaceful.
• Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.
• Rest when you need to and be realistic about how much you can do. You may not be used to saying no, but now is the time to take care of yourself.  
• Try to avoid caffeine, which may disrupt your sleep and make you anxious.  
• Try relaxation techniques, such as these breathing exercises for stress.

Gentle exercise, such as swimming or walking, may help you sleep better, improve your mood and lower stress levels. But if you have been told you are at higher risk of premature labour it’s a good idea to talk to your maternity team before starting an exercise plan. 

Bonding with your unborn baby

Bonding with your unborn baby may give you something positive to focus on and feel comforting. Your baby can hear you from 16 weeks or possibly earlier. Talking and singing can be a good way to start to bond with your baby and helps their development.  

They can hear you best, but anyone can talk and sing to them. Do not worry if you don’t feel you’re bonding with your baby yet. It will come in time.

Read more about what happens if you are at risk of preterm birth. 

Your mental health after premature birth

Having a baby prematurely is stressful for parents and their families. It may take you, and your partner if you have one, a long time, and possibly professional support, to accept what has happened. You’ll also be coping with changes in your body at the same time as dealing with a lot mentally.  

Read more about physical recovery after birth.

We know that many parents feel anxious when they take their premature babies home. It’s not unusual to feel guilt and isolation.  

Some find that a difficult birth experience may stay with them for a long time.  

Read more about recovering from a difficult birth. 

Grief after preterm birth

Many people who give birth prematurely are grieving the loss of an ‘ideal pregnancy’ while coping with a baby who needs extra medical care. You may find yourself grieving for all sorts of reasons, such as:

• the loss of experiences, such as having the type of birth you had planned, breastfeeding, close contact with your baby or caring for your baby at home
• a loss of shared experience with other parents or friends
• the loss of aspects of your earlier life, such as your job, social life, a full night’s sleep or simply not having to worry about your baby
• the loss of what you imagined parenting to be like if your baby develops long-term health problems or disability
• a sense of unfairness that this has happened to you
• if your baby does not survive – very sadly a small number of premature babies pass away.

Grief and loss affect people in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Some common symptoms include:

• shock and numbness
• overwhelming sadness
• tiredness or exhaustion
• anger
• guilt.  

“Premature birth is undeniably scary and unsettling. You spend your pregnancy counting down the days and weeks until the big 40 and when your baby makes an appearance before then, it's a lot to take in. They should be safe, tucked up in your tummy and you feel a sense of responsibility, as if your body has failed you. If I learned anything from my NICU journey, it is to be kind to myself and to lean on those around me when I need it. It is normal to mourn the 'firsts' you didn't get to enjoy when your baby is taken off to the neonatal unit soon after being born. The nurses, doctors and consultants will care for your baby while you care for yourself. Don't feel guilty for the feelings you have and try to talk them through with the professionals around you – they will support you and answer any questions you have.” 

Ally

Managing anxiety after premature birth

It’s natural to feel anxious if your baby needs special care, and people who have had very premature babies are especially likely to be anxious. Time apart from your baby during their stay in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) and worry about their health can add to the stress you may feel at this time.

It may help to talk through any fears or worries with the hospital staff. They should explain what treatment your baby is having. Ask them if they don’t. 

It’s important that you understand what’s happening so you can work together to make sure your baby gets the best care. It may also help ease your anxiety and give you a sense of control.  Read about postnatal anxiety. 

“Everyone asks the question, ‘when do they get to come home?’. But try to take it steady and don’t try and focus on any specific dates. Try to take it one day at a time.”

Raquel

Make time for you

Whether your baby is in hospital or back at home, try to take some time for yourself. You may already be able to think of some ways you can help yourself feel better.  

Here are some tips from other parents of premature babies:

• Spend one-to-one time with your partner, if you have one, or a good friend – for example, by setting aside a special evening every week or two.
• Keep in regular contact with close friends or family – whether by phone, by email or meeting up in person.
• Do some exercise, such as walking, swimming or doing a gym class or yoga.
• Use relaxation techniques such as meditation.
• Keep up a hobby that has nothing to do with parenting, such as a book club.
• If you have other children, spend a set period of one-to-one time with them every week.
• Listen to your favourite music, eat your favourite food or watch your favourite films.
• Pamper yourself with a haircut or massage. 

Talk about how you feel

It can help to recognise and name feelings. Talking them through with a partner, family member or friend may help. It can be good to talk to other parents with similar experiences. This might be people you meet on the baby unit or through local or online support groups.  

The healthcare team at your hospital may have details of groups or be able to offer specialist support, such as counselling. 

“We spoke to other parents on the baby unit. We became each other’s babies’ biggest cheerleaders – there were days we chatted, days we laughed and days we cried. It felt like we were all in it together.”

Jen

The charity Bliss offers a wide range of free services to provide support to parents and families of babies born premature or sick, including peer-to-peer emotional support. 

When will I feel a ‘new normal’?

This will depend on a whole range of factors, including:

• your experiences during pregnancy, labour and your baby’s early life
• your health and your baby’s health
• how you tend to respond to stress and change
• how much support you have from family members and friends (find out more about support at home from the community healthcare team)
• what other pressures you are facing, including work, children and other caring responsibilities
• other factors, such as your baby’s sleeping patterns.

The important thing is to take your time. Don’t be too hard on yourself or feel that you should be coping better than you are. Becoming a parent is challenging and your family is going through a difficult experience. Be kind to yourself. 

Bonding with your premature baby

Giving birth prematurely can interrupt the usual bonding process. There are many practical and emotional reasons why you might be finding it hard to bond with your baby. For example, you may both need time to recover from a difficult birth.

Try not to worry about how you think you 'should' feel. But if you feel very low, despairing or anxious, it’s important to talk to someone you trust on your healthcare team. They may be able to reassure you or offer you extra support.

Read more about bonding with your baby. 

Premature birth and the family

Dads and partners after premature birth

Many dads and partners feel frustrated, angry and frightened in the early days and weeks with a premature baby. Parents of preterm babies tend to be even more tired than parents of full-term babies.  

Even the healthiest relationships can be under strain at times like this. Be open and honest with each other about how you feel, which can help you better understand and support each other.  

Read more about coping with a preterm baby for dads and partners. 

Older children and your premature baby

If you have any older children, they may be affected by what's happening. If you are worried about your baby, even if you don’t talk openly about it, they will probably be aware of this.  

Try to explain what’s happening in a way you think they’ll understand. Be ready for their questions and let them know that they can talk to you about what’s happening whenever they need to.  

Try to involve them as much as you can. Perhaps they could draw a picture for the baby or you could let them choose a present for them. If it’s possible for them to visit their new sibling, explaining what the hospital environment may be like before you go may help. 

Grandparents of premature babies

Grandparents, aunties, uncles and other family members may be feeling anxious for all of you. Try to keep them informed about what’s happening. They may be keen to help but unsure of what to do. You could suggest some practical things like making meals, helping keep your house tidy or looking after your other children if you have them.

Bliss has free information and support for the wider family of preterm babies, including an email support service. 

Information and support after premature birth

You can talk to a Tommy’s midwife for free from 9am–5pm, Monday to Friday on 0800 0147 800 or email them at [email protected]. Tommy’s Midwives also run a specialist Black and Black-Mixed Heritage Helpline too – you can book a call with them. 

Bliss has a range of free services for the families of premature babies, including a video call service.