Supporting each other as a couple after a stillbirth

Ways to help, support and understand your partner after a stillbirth

We all grieve differently and this can be difficult for couples when their baby dies. Most relationships come under pressure with the loss of a loved one and the overwhelming grief after the death of a child can drive couples apart as much as it can bring them together.

Grieving differently

Your grief can blind you to your partner’s pain, especially if they have different ways of dealing with the grief. Your partner might want to go back to work, while you cannot even get out of bed. You might cry all the time, while your partner has barely shed a tear. These different physical and emotional responses can cause huge tension.

Some mothers find it difficult to handle their partner’s lack of tears and visible distress. It is easy to misinterpret this as them caring less or feeling less.
On the other hand some women may be disturbed to see their partner cry or sob uncontrollably if this is something they have never done before.
All of the above are normal and yet only scratch the surface. Remember to be kind to each other and never expect too much. Communication is key, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

‘If one of you needs to talk more than the other, talk to your friends. Some days will be harder but that leaves the fact that some days will be easier.’ Lucy, who lost her son Jude at 41 weeks (Read Lucy's story here)

'My husband felt the need to be strong for me and thought it was important to encourage me to match this by trying to focus on the future and carry on. I found it hard to see this as grief at all. Ultimately, after pushing our marriage to the very brink, we were able to find a way to be more understanding of each way of grieving and support each other to become stronger as a married couple.' Sarah, who lost her son Tristan at 38 weeks (Read Sarah's story here)

Try to respect these differences and not read too much into them. Reading this page about the many ways that grief can manifest itself might be helpful in understanding your partner’s reaction.

‘He didn’t cry until the funeral and I felt very bitter about it. I felt he wasn’t acknowledging our baby.’ from original ‘Coping with grief’ webpage
‘I went to my sons memory box about a month after his death and noticed things had been moved. I was upset, until i realised it my husband had done it. It wasn’t MY sons memory box it was OUR son’s memory box. It showed me that he was hurting too and we were on the same page. It opened my mind to his feelings.’ Lucy, who lost her son Jude at 41 weeks (Read Lucy's story here)

Read more about coping with grief here

Going back to work

It’s usually the father who goes back to work first. This is often a difficult time for both the mother and father. You may feel abandoned and that your partner has ‘moved on’ and forgotten about the baby.

Your partner may feel he cannot cope with the extra stress of work but has no other option. He may resent the time off you’ve been allowed in which to grieve.

There will be better days and it can be hard to see your partner returning to work and carrying on as normal.

Just because life goes on and you have to get back to your normal routine, doesn’t mean the grief stops. Allow yourself time at the weekends and in the evenings to grieve.

'At Rhianna’s funeral, I completely leaned on Mr L. I didn’t think about who he leaned on. His daughter died too. He wiped his tears, to let mine flow. He stood up tall, to stop me falling. He smiled his smile, while mine died away. He told people, when I had nothing to say…He just kept me going, making sure I was strong enough. Strong enough for every moment, every hour, every day. He never ever asked for help. But his daughter died too. His baby died too. He lost his baby. Not just me. His heart was and is broken too. So if there is any advice I can give anyone who has a friend or a family member who has lost their baby, it is one thing, and one thing only…Don’t forget the daddies, they lost their baby too.' Kerry, who lost her baby Rhianna Lily at 28 weeks (Read Kerry’s story here

Read more about going back to work after a stillbirth here.

Sex and intimacy

Intimacy is hard to get right in any circumstances, and knowing how to read someone is a skill. After the loss of a child reading each others’ moods can become so much harder as you can crave comfort but not sex. It will come, be good to each other.

It is not unusual to have some sexual problems in the relationship in the first few months. Again, everyone is different. One of you might have a strong desire to have sex, as a way to comfort and show your love for your partner, while the other may have no desire at all.

Try to talk about how you feel. Bereavement is usually associated with a depressed feeling that diminishes the libido for a while. It might return at different times for you.

Sex and pregnancy are inextricably linked. You may feel terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again. Likewise sex may become very mechanical in the desire to fall pregnant as quickly as possible. Be aware of these possibilities, and be open and honest.

Sex after any pregnancy, whatever the outcome, is different. A woman’s body changes and you’ll need to recover from the physical effects of the pregnancy and the delivery.

If, after a few months, you find problems between you aren’t resolving, seek help. Some couples find a few sessions with a professional counsellor very helpful.

Read more about trying for another baby here.

Read more about being pregnant again here.

Be kind to each other

The most important thing is to be kind, gentle and patient. Try to understand that your partner is not you and although you’re sharing this grief, you will feel it in different ways.

Think about talking to people outside your relationship so that they can offer you support, perhaps in different ways.

One of our supporters used her blog as a way to express some of her feelings. It meant she could show posts to her partner, without voicing some of the more difficult emotions and give him the time and space to understand how she was feeling, before reacting. It helped them a lot. Sometimes talking and sharing is all you need – someone to simply listen to you and not try to fix the problem.

When the initial period of the funeral and activity is over, don’t forget to continue to be kind and forgiving. The grief will not go away, and being patient and understanding with each other through it will bring you closer instead of letting it push you further apart.

‘The best advice we had from our bereavement midwife very early on was to be kind to each other. And I think that really helped us to cope. We did grieve in different ways and often found that when one person was feeling very sad the other was feeling a little stronger on that day.’ Kathryn, who lost her son Arthur at 36 weeks (taken with permission from the book, ‘Life After Stillbirth’ by Sarah Smith)

Further support

If after a while, you are struggling to understand each other and resolve tensions, consider talking to a professional about it.

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can help you find the right professional, or call 01455 883300. Or contact RELATE on 0300 100 1234 for face-to-face, telephone or online couples counselling.

 

More information on stillbirth

Last reviewed on October 13th, 2017. Next review date October 16th, 2020.

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Comments

  • By Steve (not verified) on 19 Jan 2018 - 12:17

    I feel incredibly guilty but relieved to write this post. My baby was stillborn three weeks ago and she was 34 weeks. Everyone that could have gone wrong did and this is putting incredible strain on our relationship.

    It was our first child and it took us two years to get pregnant. My wife had to take most of the six months off for acute morning sickness.

    I cancelled our parenting class because I had a work-do the night before and expected to be hungover. We had a terrible argument the weekend before which was entirely my fault.

    I am living in another country with my native wife and I speak little of the local language. I therefore can’t support my wife the way a husband should. Our neighbour had to organise the funeral.

    A week after the birth we had another massive argument where my wife told me she wished it had been me that died. I stormed out the house and walked for 6 hours drinking and getting progressively drunk.

    I wanted to return to work after less than a week and even though I didn’t, when I eventually did, I felt no emotion at work and could genuinely carry on as if nothing had happened. I wasn’t operating on auto-pilot like many of the posts I read had said. But I was hurting. And my wife hates me. There appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

    I know my wife’s grief is infinitely worse than mine. I didn’t carry our child for six months. I didn’t carry her dead for two days. I hadn’t looked forward to getting pregnant for most of my life. I didn’t have to deal with the terrible morning sickness.

    Unfortuntely there is no conclusion to this post. Just that I love my wife very much and hope that things get better.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 19 Jan 2018 - 16:49

    Dear Steve,
    I cannot imagine what you are going through at the moment and I am so terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your baby daughter. This is all very recent and so raw for you.
    You are obviously in a difficult position as well, living abroad and being away from your wife in this country. It is important that you do allow yourself to grieve too, she was your baby girl and it is important for you to grieve and to remember her also.
    It is really encouraging that you have found a way to write this post and express how you feel and what is going on for you at the moment.
    We are here to support you, please do email us [email protected], for a confidential and supportive conversation if we can help. We are here Monday to Friday 9-5pm.
    It is clear that you both need care and support and it is important that you get this one way or another.
    My sincere thoughts are with you and your family, please take care x

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