Grieving for your baby after a stillbirth

After losing your baby you will have to cope with immense grief and a mixture of emotions, as well as the physical aspects of losing a baby.

The first few days

In the first few days there will also be some practical things that you may need to take care. For example, considering if you should have a post mortem performed on your baby, organising the funeral or you may need help understanding the pathology report on your placenta. It’s important to know that there are people who can support and advise you through all of this so please do not go through this alone.

Most women, will agree that the emotional pain is infinitely more difficult to bear than the physical discomfort. Remember that your hormone levels are rapidly changing after the birth, and mood swings and tears are normal after any delivery. Your midwife should still visit you at home to support you emotionally and help with physical symptoms. Nature can be cruel and your breasts can fill with milk. Milk production can be suppressed by medication but many women decide not to take this. Breast engorgement can be painful, ask your midwife for advice.

The first few weeks

If you have suffered a stillbirth you will experience vaginal bleeding, possibly for several weeks after the birth, and you may have after-pains (like period pains). Again, this is normal after any delivery, but can also be a constant physical reminder of your tragic loss. It is important to try to look after yourself physically after the birth. You may not feel like eating or drinking but you need to do so. It is important to get your general physical health back to normal – you will be able to cope with the emotional aspects better if you are physically stronger. Try to get a bit of exercise, perhaps a walk in the fresh air. Many women felt it was very difficult to leave the house but if you can you will probably feel better.

The longer term

After any bereavement, loss of appetite and weight loss is not unusual, however, if it is excessive do talk to your GP. It may take you longer to recover from the birth than would be expected. You may be prone to lots of viral infections such as colds. You may feel physically exhausted. Sleep may be difficult for a while. Make sure you attend your six-week post-natal check.

Often parents are frightened by the intensity of their physical experiences – you may feel, hear or see something you cannot explain. Talking things through with someone who has lost a baby themselves can be helpful – making you feel less isolated.

Finally, it is not an unusual phenomenon for bereaved parents, particularly mothers, to become obsessed with their own, their partner’s or their other children’s health. Every symptom becomes blown out of all proportion. Your own mortality comes to the fore – if a tiny baby can die so can anyone. Again, this reaction usually fades with time – if it does not, talk to your doctor or health visitor.

Parents and their feelings

Recognising your baby as a real person is important. Take time to create memories and acknowledge your baby’s existence in the world. The grieving process takes much longer than we, as a society, anticipate. Anger and fury towards the hospital, family and friends is also very common.

Mothers

Many mothers said that after losing their baby they could not think straight and feltunable to make decisions. Very powerful maternal urges were common. Some were frightened by the intensity of these feelings. For example, some mothers wanted to dig up their baby’s body from the grave to cuddle them. Some women felt they could not face going out, and dreaded having to explain to an acquaintance where their baby was. 

As the grieving process goes on your emotions may change dramatically day-to-day or even hour-to-hour. Many experience a feeling of failure – how could they have let a tiny baby die? Many mothers cannot face the idea of seeing others’ babies and experience intense jealousy of other mothers. Some felt brave enough to visit their antenatal group; this was often a distressing but positive experience

Other common emotions were guilt and self-blame because their body had let them down, particularly as the grief became less raw. For example, some mothers said that they felt they had let their baby down when they started crying less. All these feelings are perfectly normal.

Most mothers felt that talking to other women who had also experienced stillbirths was very helpful and reassured them that their feelings were normal, and sometimes made them feel less alone.

Fathers

Fathers are often forgotten. Men and women grieve differently and many men take on the protector role in the family, supporting their wives or partners and not allowing time for their own grief. Even in today’s society, some men find it difficult to express their emotions and feelings can get locked up. Some women take this as indifference to the loss of their baby.

Many men need time and space to grieve. This may happen after the funeral if there is one, or possibly many weeks later. Fathers tend to take on the practicalities and keep themselves busy. However, do allow yourself time to grieve.

‘He didn’t cry until the funeral and I felt very bitter about it. I felt he wasn’t acknowledging our baby.’

The effect on the family

Losing a baby will obviously affect the relationship between the two parents. Some couples find the tragedy brings them closer together; others are pulled apart and may find the loss puts a strain on their relationship.

The stress is better dealt with if you acknowledge the fact that everyone grieves indifferent ways – if there is a grave, some parents may want to visit it every day, others may want to go back to work, some cannot get out of bed, some may cry all the time, some will want to spend days researching into pregnancy problems to find an answer and so on. All grieving parents have ‘good’ days and ‘bad’ days – try to be aware and support each other during 'bad' days. 

Many women find it difficult to understand their partner’s lack of tears and visible distress – they feel the baby did not mean anything to them. Remember, a lack of expression of feelings does not equate to lack of feelings. Conversely, some women are disturbed by the emotional outburst of their partners, they may never have seen them cry or sob uncontrollably before.

It is usually the father who goes back to work first. This is often a difficult time for both the mother and father. The mother may feel abandoned and feel that her partner has ‘moved on’ and forgotten about the baby. The father may feel he cannot cope yet with the extra stress of work but has to go back. He may also resent the mother’s time to continue the grieving process.

It is not unusual to have some sexual problems in the relationship in the first few months. Again everyone is different; one member of the couple may have a strong desire to make love to comfort and show their love for the other one, who in turn may have no desire at all. Try to talk about how you feel. Bereavement is usually associated with a depressed feeling that often diminishes the libido for a while. It will return atdifferent times for the couple. 

Sex and pregnancy areinextricably linked. You may feel terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again; likewise sex may become very mechanical in the desire to fall pregnant as quickly as possible. Be aware of these possibilities, and be open and honest

Sex after any pregnancy, whatever the outcome, is different. A woman’s bodychanges and she will have to recover from the physical effects of the pregnancy and the delivery. If problems in the relationship persist past the first few months and appear not to be resolving, be they sexual or otherwise, do seek help. Some couples find a few sessions with a professional counsellor very helpful.

The effect on the children

‘I was worried about constantly crying in front of my daughter. I was afraid for her to see me sad.’

The loss of a baby will have an effect on everyone, including your existing children. In the first few weeks after the loss the practical involvement of a grandparent, aunt or close friend may be invaluable. Someone needs to keep the practical aspects of life under control, such as going shopping and cooking. Many friends will want to help, and will be glad to do something, so accept their help and ask if you need it.

What you tell your children again depends not only on their age but also on past experiences of death and any religious beliefs. Tell your child in very simple terms – if they want more details they will ask.

Children will often mull facts over and ask questions many weeks later, often in seemingly random situations such as during dinner or in a shop. Answer them again honestly and openly. Do not be afraid to show your emotions, likewise let them cry.

Explaining the death in terms of ‘it was nobody’s fault’ is very important. Most children at some stage will blame themselves for the death of their baby brother or sister. Again reassure them and explain what a wonderful brother or sister they are because they are thinking about the baby or helping you put flowers on the grave or however they help you. Children sometimes hide their sadness to protect their parents. A recent study identified the three most important aids in dealing with children who have lost a sibling:

• Recognise and acknowledge the child’s grief.
• Include the child in family rituals.
• Keep the memory of the baby alive in the family.

Try to be as open and honest about the situation as you can be. Children are often much more disturbed when they sense something is wrong but don’t know what it is.

A special word for grandparents

As grandparents, you may often feel left out or excluded from the grief. This must obviously be a very difficult time for you - not only have you lost your grandchild but you see your own child suffering.

Your support to your son or daughter will be invaluable. Try to visit them in hospital and if their baby was stillborn, ask them if they are happy for you to see your grandchild. You may like to cuddle him and spend some time sharing him as a family. This will be invaluable later as you have a shared memory to treasure. You may be surprised about how things have changed over the years. We have learnt that it is best to acknowledge the existence of stillborn babies and help parents to spend time with their babies as well as creating memories by taking photographs or footprints.

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Comments

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 31 Jul 2017 - 00:37

    At 22 weeks I felt a decrease in my baby boys movemnts, I went to the hospital with an open mind that they was going to tell me his ok, his positioning is the reason I cannot feel his movements as much. I was completely and utterly broken to nothing when the Doppler revealed my worst nightmare my boy was gone...the emergency scan we had stays in my head, his life less body just there. I gave birth to him two days later and it had to be one of the most heart rendering moments of my life. I am broken beyond repair. His scan two weeks prior to this was perfect, he was perfect and born sleeping and perfect. I buried him last week and I'm still not in disbelief I am waiting for someone to pinch me or even say April fools although it's July but this is my reality. The only thing that keeps me going day to day is my three kids they need me. In God I trust but it still hurts the pain is like no other pain I have EVER felt.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 31 Jul 2017 - 14:19

    We are so very sorry for your loss. It is really raw for you at the moment and you can be sure that your beautifully written words will resonate with many of our readers. Take your time and when you are ready, there are people out there who can help ease your pain. Here at Tommy's we would welcome your call if you need to talk. 0800 0147 800 . Best wishes to you x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 15 Jul 2017 - 17:49

    My pregnancy came to an abrupt end on the 3rd of July when my water broke from one of the boy's sac...Ididnot know what was happening and went to sleep...I only realised something was wrong on the third day when I began bleeding.. I rushed to the hospital only to be told he was ready to come out as his hand and placenta could be seen in my vigina...the second twin tried to hang on till the following sunday 9 July ...I lost both my boys and only found out it was due to fibroids. I feel i have let them down. They were perfectly healthy but my body could not keep them alive...wish I could have found out earlier about the condition and saved them. The pain is too much to bear...how do I move on from this? Im so lost and confused

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 17 Jul 2017 - 14:14

    I am really sorry to hear this sad news. The loss of a baby is a truly devastating time. Please don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. Have you spoken to your GP? It may be that some counselling could help you to find a way to move on from this. Or you could call us on 0800 0147 800 when you are ready to talk about it.
    All of our best wishes Tommy's midwives x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 4 May 2017 - 10:10

    we lost our first little boy at 20 weeks just over 4 years ago. at the time it was the most traumatic thing I've even experienced to watch my wife deliver him, she was so brave, we both didn't want to see (the doctors said it would be upsetting because of the problem he had) and i remember lying across her holding her and saying "it's done, it's done", i suppose i was trying to protect her in my own daft way. She is my hero. We have had another little boy since which is just magical, but we never forget him, he has a name that only me and his mum know, there wasn't a funeral but we know the day he was cremated, and where his ashes are, he has a few little items in our house that only me and his mum know represent him, so he's with us all the time. I suppose my message to others is, The pain comes and goes and always will, and dad's can cry too, don't fight it if you think it will help, it does for me. I get some comfort from the pain now, it means although i never met him, i love him with all my heart, its crazy but sometimes i'll be in tears from nowhere and i find myself saying out loud "why are you hurting me today", n those are the moments i feel closest to him.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 4 May 2017 - 15:03

    By Midwife @Tommys on 4 May 2017 - 14:33

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us and our readers. I am really moved by your story and how you have coped in your own way. I am sure that others will understand your message and those affected today or in the future will gain some comfort from your words. We would like to highlight your message on our site and request your permission to do so. We would be grateful if you could get back to us at [email protected] as we don't keep information on any of our contributors to this page for data protection. Very many thanks Tommys midwives x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 28 Apr 2017 - 17:55

    yesterday at 9:00 am they delivered my stillborn grandson, I did not get to see or hold him, and just typing this it is so hard for me to hold back the tears and emotions that have been running through me. I could not even finish reading the posts above because it felt like it was ripping my heart out. It has been only one day, I cannot imagine the rest of my life feeling this pain, but I am afraid I will, and what really scares me is how my son and his girlfriend feel, and how am I going to help them if it is so hard for me.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 2 May 2017 - 11:57

    Dear John,
    What awful news to hear about your Grandson. The loss of a baby is always tragic but the impact is felt on so many levels for each family member. You are grieving for your son and his girlfriend as well as the baby they have lost. You would do anything to protect them from this, being a Parent yourself and yet you have this fear about how you can support them when you are so lost.
    This grief is so raw and intense, even functioning on a basic level seems overwhelming. Please know that you are not alone as you can see from reading the other posts.
    Take advice from others who have experienced such a devastating family tragedy and know what it means to lose a baby. SANDS have lots of support online, there is a forum and helpline run by people who have been personally affected on
    0808 164 3332.
    We are always here to listen and provide any support that we can now and in the future @ tommys.org
    With love to you and your Family.
    Anna-Tommy's Midwife

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 4 May 2017 - 23:46

    My daughter suffered the loss of a baby twice. Little graceson was born two soon 2 years ago due to blood clots in the placenta. The specialists assured her it would be ok and strongly advised her to get pregnant again but it happened again in march this year . My daughter is devastated and can not cope with the grief it's all to much. What can I do ??????????

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 8 May 2017 - 09:57

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandsons and the grief your family are going through.
    The loss of a baby is always tragic but the impact is felt on so many levels for each family member. You are grieving for your daughter as well as the babies they have lost. You would do anything to protect them from this, being a Parent yourself and yet you have this fear about how you can support them when you are so lost. Just by being there for your daughter and talking about this loss can help.
    This grief is so raw and intense, even functioning on a basic level seems overwhelming. Please know that you are not alone as you can see from reading the other posts.
    Take advice from others who have experienced such a devastating family tragedy and know what it means to lose a baby. SANDS have lots of support online, there is a forum and helpline run by people who have been personally affected on
    0808 164 3332. This support is available to all family members, not just parents so please do not hesitate to contact them.
    I hope that your daughter has been able to meet with the specialists to discuss the reasons why this has happened again and also to plan care for the next pregnancy.
    She should be under the care of an obstetrician, and have regular scans and check-ups to check the baby's growth and that the placenta is working normally. Other tests may also be recommended to find out of she has any underlying problems with blood clotting
    They may possibly recommend also that she takes some medication to help thin the blood; she may be asked to start taking this from early pregnancy. She should also be made aware of what signs to look out for that might indicate a problem and when to contact her maternity unit .
    Please do not hesitate to contact us again for further information or you can call us on Tommy's PregnancyLine-
    0800 0147 800

    Marianne-Tommy's Midwife

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 26 Apr 2017 - 09:53

    Hello,
    there are no words to express how terribly sad it is to hear your news about your little baby girl. I am so sorry and I hope that you have support around you at this awful time.
    Please know we are hear to listen always and that SANDS provide support in a variety of ways. You can call them on 0207 463 5881.
    With love
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 13 Apr 2017 - 20:48

    Hi.surely the pain is unbearable.my son waz nw 3 months old.he waz very heathy al along until 1 nyt he stated crying til he died in the moning.i dont no how to deal with this

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 18 Apr 2017 - 09:26

    We are so sorry to read about your perfect baby boy and really hope that you have got some support and love around you. Please feel that you can contact us on 0800 0147 800 if you would like to talk. We are here to support you. Best wishes x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 24 Apr 2017 - 17:59

    It is so painful.i just buried my little baby today.she was 8mnths in my belly.im not even sure that il be able to sleep

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 20 Jul 2017 - 11:10

    Hi..i had a stillbirth also on the 18th of April she was 8 months, she was and still is my sweet little girl and i miss her so much...every day is a painful day for me i relate to what you are going through

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 11 Aug 2017 - 15:34

    i still cannot cope up with my loss. Everything was perfect.. she was all normal. the only problem before was my placenta previa which later on progressed well on the last term. I was already scheduled for a final check this Aug. 11 before I give birth this Sept. I lost my baby last July 26. i was able to hold her in my arms, she was so beautiful.. I am still trying to understand why this things happen. my heart is still mourning every single day.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 3 Apr 2017 - 01:53

    On 8/2/2017, I went into labour at 41 weeks, lost the strength to push her out on my own when she was almost out. Hours later an emergency cs was done and the doctors found out my uterus had ruptured. N baby suffered from lack of oxygen. Cos of the severe bleeding, my uterus was removed. I became conscious after 3 days. Life has not been easy at all. Don't even feel hungry any more. I begged my husband to show me pictures of the little Angel n seeing the pictures have worsened my grief. She was sooo beautiful n all I feel now is anger with the hospital for my loss. I pray I get over this pain.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 3 Apr 2017 - 09:13

    Hi Grace, i am ever so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I would suggest that once you feel ready,and if you feel that it would be useful for you in processing your grief, to make an appointment with a senior midwife or obstetric consultant at your local hospital to go through your history and try to understand how this has happened.
    Please take good care of yourself.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 6 Jul 2017 - 17:36

    My son passed away last year, exactlly 19.07.16, I am really sorry for your loss and pain. I can imagine how you feel, endless headache, no feeling hungry, need to toilet, just extreme stress and pain. I hugging you in my mind and cry with you. I will pray for you aswell. With time probably you will be able to control these feelings, and kind of normal life will back. But inside this is life-challenging event and will be never forgotten. I am with you Grace in mind and heart
    God bless you poor, strong woman, if you will need talk about your daughter, there is my email [email protected]

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 28 Mar 2017 - 21:08

    hi I'm EstÉlle,it was ju§t 11 moÑths ago I had 3 boys,Ðad in hÉaven borrowed mÝ last born he needed a pair of tiny hands Urgently I couldn't really refuse u know the feeling,honestly the very first moment I look at my baby I knew something was gona happen but 4 sum reason I didn't think is was gona be dis,he was 2.08 in the 3 days I had him he didn't open his eyes and nvr used 2 move just slept still,use to drink very little milk,the hos sed he had a heart prob after he was he was called back to one........... 3 days after he was born he was called back to heaven.The moment I heard my sister scream I knew he was gone,in the first 5 months I was on sleeping tabz day and nyt,as time went I had to face facts and put my faith in2 action my jesus is alive,as time go's it gets harder, nÉxt month he wud hav entered one on earth but jesus wanted a kingly party for our angel boy,mummy'z prince,till we meet again in the clouds of glory at the pearly gates of heaven,to all u mothers stay strong we know what pain is and we can over come anything thru jesus that lives inside u and me 4 ever and ever be blessed

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 29 Mar 2017 - 11:54

    Dear Estelle,
    thank you for sharing your story of your little boy. It is good to hear that you are finding comfort in your faith. If you ever need to talk we are here to listen.
    Warmest wishes,
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 2 Mar 2017 - 19:28

    Mine wasn't exactly a still birth, but I lost my two boys at 20 weeks from Chorioamnionitis (a bacterial infection surrounding the amniotic fluid).
    My firstborn Joshua passed away a couple hours before giving birth and my second son Hayden survived three hours after birth and died in my arms. It was the hardest thing begging the doctors to save my baby boys knowing they couldn't do anything for them. I also tried so hard to hold them in but the fact that I had the infection was not only pushing them out but killing me as well. How I even got pregnant was a miracle since I was told I could never have children and I got blessed with twins. My husband and I were so excited at the chance to be parents not only to one baby, but to two precious boys. We are now so heartbroken that we lost our two beautiful sons last week. We also have the stereotypical different ways of mourning. I'm more weepy and want to talk about them, and he's more standoff-ish and likes to get out with friends to work passed it. I know he's having a hard time since he cries in his sleep. I'm hoping and waiting that time heals the pain. And I wish everyone else who has gone through this peace as well.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 3 Mar 2017 - 15:37

    I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful twin boys. It is such a sad story and you have our deepest sympathy. There is no 'right' way to grieve and each of you must find your own path. We wish you all the best for the future. Tommy's midwives

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 1 Mar 2017 - 13:43

    Hello,
    Thank you for sharing your story I am so incredibly sorry to hear that your newborn baby boy died in December. The pain you must be feeling is unimaginable and part of your grieving process means that you blame yourself to some extent for his death. I hope that you are able to find support through family, friends and perhaps some counselling. As you can see from posts from other Mothers here support is vital to surviving this devastating trauma. SANDS have a helpline 0207 436 5881 as well as online forums where you can get support from other parents who are also struggling with the loss of a baby. We are also here to listen on 0800 0147 800 there is a midwife 9-5 pm weekdays.
    Thinking of you with love
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 27 Feb 2017 - 21:13

    Hi , your comments really help, I v lost my new born baby boy with fetal distressed on 2 December 2016 it was my fast born, the worst part I did heard him cry I couldn't hold him cz they had 2 rush him in icu , I just wish the was something I could have done 2 save him sometimes I blame myself , I'm struggling 2 live with this pain but it is very hard. Just wish I dd hv a choice I would hv let him live n me die, I loved him so much

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 7 Mar 2017 - 14:23

    Hi

    I am so sorry for your loss. My story is similar accept it's my 4th child. Had premature rupture of membranes at 34 weeks. Got induced a couple of hours later. When he was born I heard him cry and then they rushed him to NICU, he had birth Asphexia or lack of oxygen. Fast,forward 5 days and lots of machines and meds later he bled out and passed away. It's now been 8days since he died and I range from being angry as hell with the hospital to blaming myself. We only got to hold him for a few hours he died. I doubt I will ever get over this loss, the pain is so bad.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 1 Feb 2017 - 14:30

    I was told on my due date 37 days ago my baby boy was gone it's so hard at times the memories of having him and being so scared to hold my beautiful perfect baby haunt me just now, I feel like an alien here like I need to be else where with him but my 5 year old holds me here to remind me I'm still needed.. how do you proses all these emotions everyday I just don't know how to be or feel normal anymore

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 2 Feb 2017 - 12:16

    We are so sorry to read about your perfect baby boy and really hope that you have got some support and love around you. Please feel that you can contact us on 0800 0147 800 if you would like to talk. We are here to support you. Best wishes x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 15 Mar 2017 - 15:47

    I lost my 2nd son at 37 weeks and did not believe the news I had faith that once I delivered him he would be alive. There is no way to process the emotions you have. We can only cope with how we are feeling that day. You are not alone I was in your shoes 5 years ago and reading your post brings back the pain. Reflect on your baby, cherish those memories and understand you are not in this alone.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 16 Mar 2017 - 09:49

    We are so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you ever so much for sharing your story though, it really does bring comfort to others experiencing the same loss and grief.
    Please take good care of yourself.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 30 Jan 2017 - 13:52

    I cant believe I'm even saying that I lost my baby. Loosing your first child at 34 weeks, how do you deal with the pain? How do you move on with your life? Feeling like I could have done more to save him. Having to deliver him but cant take him home. The pain is unbearable and unreal.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 30 Jan 2017 - 14:29

    Hi Garmai.
    I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your beautiful son 11 days ago. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling.
    Guilt is a very normal emotion to feel at this stage. If you feel that it would help you, please give us a call on 0800147800 to speak to a midwife. We aren't trained counselors, but we are fully trained in Bereavement care and support.
    Sending you our thoughts and love at this difficult time.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 26 Feb 2017 - 21:15

    Hi. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I also lost my baby on the 19th of January at 38 weeks. How are the weeks treating you. I feel the days are getting longer and more painful.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 27 Feb 2017 - 11:16

    Thank you for sharing your story with us and with other mothers. Please do call us on 0800 0147800 to speak to a midwife if you feel that this would be useful for you. We are not counselors, but we are bereavement trained, and sadly, understand exactly what it is you are going through.
    Please look after yourself.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 18 Jan 2017 - 19:54

    I lost my precious son in childbrith over 20 years ago and some days it feels like yesterday. The torment the pain the tears I fight back "to be strong" the wonder of what his life would be like, what kind of mom i would be is with me all the time. I've grown and matured by leaps and bounds but when it comes to that little guy who grew inside me for eight months, im back in my 20s lost and confused. Therapy. I've done it. Anti depressants, those too. There's nothing to hold me when memories slam into me head on. Just sharing, trying something different, reaching out to the cyber world seeking what I don't know. I miss him so terribly, yet i never heard him cry or take a breath or grasp my finger with his. Timedoes heal but the memories they never go away. My love. My angel. I cry. I hide my tears. I laugh through the agony.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 19 Jan 2017 - 11:51

    Thank you for sharing this and we are so sorry to hear about the pain that you have been through. We hope that our website gives you some comfort to know that we are working hard to try to understand why this happens and to help other women in the future. Best wishes to you x

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 11 Jan 2017 - 02:35

    I'm 26 and was due to have my first child in April. On the 2nd of January 2017, I went to the hospital because I just had a feeling something was wrong. They told me my little girl was gone...she had died...her heart wasn't beating. I keep replaying the moment the midwife told me there was no heartbeat and my screams. I don't know how I will ever feel again, pushing her out and holding her lifeless body in my arms is something I don't think I will ever forget. I know it's only been a week and I should give myself time to grieve but I can't see how I will ever get past this. I loved her so much and I never even got to hear her laugh, cry, breathe, nothing. This pain is undescribable.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Jan 2017 - 12:03

    Thank you for posting. It is utterly devastating news that you have lost your first born little baby girl on the second day of 2017. I can only imagine the trauma and distress that you went through after finding out that she had died, her birth and death and the loss of this very loved child who you will never see grow up.
    It is very normal to feel that you will never get past this. Your life has been forever changed by carrying her and losing her and your grief is raw as it is only days since her birth. Please don't try to cope on your own there is support out there for you and your partner through the charity SANDS. Their website also provides help for your extended family and friends so that they can support you.
    Please call them when you feel ready on 0207 436 5881 as the supporters on the helpline know what you are going through as they have been through a stillbirth too.
    We are also here to listen and support you now and in the future at Tommy's either through our website or phone line 0800 0147 800.
    With love at this tragic time
    Tommy's Midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 11 Jan 2017 - 22:41

    I came to this page because 4 years ago today my wife had to deliver our baby girl who died at 20 weeks after a complication with the umbilical chord. She would have been our second child. Every year on this day I pull out our box of memories (foot prints we had done, photos we took of her etc.) and I have a good cry. It was one of the hardest things to go through but it got easier over time. Of course, you never forget, and the pain of that lost child never leaves you. We've since had two more children, our "rainbow babies." I remember the radiographer saying "unfortunately there's no heartbeat" and just feeling totally helpless. And that was an important concept to grasp - this was no one's fault, and there's nothing we could have done to prevent it. I wish you well with what you're now going through. Acknowledgement of your heartache is so important so cry lots, talk about it, look after yourself, exercise, eat well, and get lots of support if you can.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 15 Jan 2017 - 10:25

    I just read your post and very sadly I also went into hospital on 2 January 2017 when I was concerned about lack of my baby girl's movements (I was 29 weeks exactly and due in March). She had passed that evening and was delivered by c section on 4 January. I fully understand the utter pain and devastation that stillbirth causes. My husband and I miss our beautiful baby girl every second and keep thinking how will we ever get through this as it feels like a nightmare that doesn't end. We have very supportive family and friends and have contacted SANDS and other charities to try and help get us through this awful time. Take care and sending you thoughts during this time.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 16 Jan 2017 - 09:41

    Hi there. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It must be utterly heartbreaking experience for you, your partner and your family and our hearts go out to you. But posting your story and talking about your daughter,means that she is still present, talked about and loved. Please feel free to call us on 0800 0147800 if you want to talk to a midwife for support/advice.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 26 Nov 2016 - 16:44

    I lost my baby girl on the 30th October 2016, she was born premature at 34 weeks due to plecenta paveria major. Friday the 28th i could not pump out enough milk for her and i askedthe hospital to put her on prenan, they did not tell me that the bad part will be that i will lose her due to NEC. Sayerday the 29th she was rushed back to NICU. They told me about the condition NEC, and how fatal it is on the 30th quarter pass six the morning she passed away. I feel and know i am a bad mother for letting her down giving her formula milk. I will never be able to forgive myself

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 28 Nov 2016 - 10:12

    Hi Louise.
    I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your lovely baby daughter last month. You did not cause your daughter to pass away, NEC is an often very complicated condition. Grief will make you feel guilt, guilt that you have no need to feel, but it is a normal emotion in the grieving process. Please feel free to call us on 0800 0147800 to speak to a midwife. You can also email us on [email protected] if you feel more comfortable with that. It sounds as if you need to talk things through with someone. Please look after yourself! I hope to hear from you soon if you feel a chat might help. Sending my condolences and love.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 24 Nov 2016 - 00:58

    I lost my baby in April. Me & my husband had a cremation for our baby. We have one son who is 4 years old & it absolutely broke our hearts losing a baby and having to explain to a four year old why he's not going to be a big brother anymore. I do see a counsellor which helps me so much, but it's hard as my family ignore what has happened and friends are falling pregnant & announcing due dates like crazy. I take comfort in my husband and my son & that I'm here, strong, living, loving & willing to try again one day.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 24 Nov 2016 - 10:59

    Sincere condolences to you and your husband. I am pleased to hear that you are seeing a counsellor as unfortunately it is very common for families to find it difficult to discuss grief with you. You would be welcome to call our midwives on 0800 0147 800. We are here Monday to Friday 9-5pm.

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 17 Nov 2016 - 07:36

    i lost my beautiful daughter 3weeks ago- i think about her all the time, i picture her tiny little face and i cannot help but miss her every single day... i was induced and gave birth to her at exactly 20 weeks....

    i just want to let you ladies know- that WE DID NOTHING that could have prevented what had happened, this was all part of God's plans for our lives....

    we all have angels in heaven who will greet us at the gates when it is our time to join them!

    stay strong ladies <3

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 17 Nov 2016 - 15:48

    So sorry to hear of your loss. With love from Tommy's midwives

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 2 Jan 2017 - 04:27

    I lost my beautiful baby girl on November 18, 2016, I was 39 1/2 weeks along just 4 days shy of her due date, I was devastated. After finding out she didn't have a heartbeat they induced me. After she was born I couldn't put her down, she was so beautiful so perfect, I wanted to keep her forever, but i knew that I couldn't. My beautiful baby girl was born into heaven and I know God and his angels are taking care of her until I'm called home, and I can hold her once again. I miss her so very much.

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 5 Jan 2017 - 16:23

    Thank you for your beautiful and moving letter. So sorry to hear about her. Our thoughts are with her and with you. x

  • By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Oct 2016 - 15:25

    No words can express how sorry we are for your loss . You have to allow yourself time to grieve and by pumping your breast milk this will only prolong the agony, although I can truly empathize with why you want to do this. The whole situation is devastating for you - with a long labour and now planning a funeral. It must all feel so wrong.. You may find it helpful to talk to one of our Midwives on the Tommy's helpline at this difficult time - 08000147800 or the SANDS Helpline 0207 463 5881. SANDS has a great supportive network which both your and your partner may find helpful. (www.uk-sands.org). You need to look after yourself as well, to help you get through this.. you are stronger than you think..

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