by Kerri Styne
I lost my first child in 2009, and my second in 2014. When I fell pregnant with my now three month old son it was not only a shock, (we hadn't been trying nor wanted to try by this point due to the fear of miscarrying again), but something I was petrified of going through. By this point I had fibromyalgia and was still feeling the heartache of losing two babies, albeit early on. Having had complications in the birth of my first, I spent most of my pregnancy feeling very stressed. To the point I suffered quite a severe depression.
The birth of my second child went not too dissimilar to my first. I ended up in theatre and had a forceps delivery but they took all the precautions necessary to stop me from haemorrhaging and I was home within 24 hours of giving birth. I carried well despite having a bleed early on, having so many water infections and PGP with a twisted pelvis later along the line.
I am still in a land of disbelief in some ways, that this beautiful little baby is now mine.
He's here and he's healthy. He wears the clothes I had set out for his siblings before him to wear but they never had the chance. Each week that passed in my pregnancy did make me feel more fearful but having my baby move around soon eased that. It took me a decade to have my second child. It was scary and draining but I have zero regrets. One day I will tell my son about his other siblings that never came to be.
I hope this helps in some ways. Dealing with it was difficult, but thanks to Tommy's I used the resources online to help with my depression and worries whilst also speaking to other Mums about the loss. I also found it paramount that I was honest with my partner and family. They were also supportive and tried their best to soothe me when I was tense and scared.
I wouldn't want any Mum to feel alone. It doesn't matter when you lose a child, it hits us all regardless. Wanting more children makes it all too hard and seeing others having babies whilst you're still mourning adds to the pressure. If I can help in anyway, I will.
If you need support, please don't suffer alone. We have details of organisations who can help.
You and your partner may react to a miscarriage very differently. Everyone has their own way of grieving and it may help to accept and respect those differences.