Other people’s reactions when you've lost a baby

Most people will be supportive or try to say something comforting when someone has a miscarriage. This can be helpful, but sometimes people unintentionally say the wrong thing.

Unfortunately, other people’s reactions to the news that you have lost your baby may not always be helpful. It can be difficult to understand how it feels to lose a baby if you have never had a miscarriage. Even if someone has lost a baby in the past, they may have reacted or coped differently.

Although people usually mean well and want to help, reactions from your family, friends or colleagues may leave you feeling more upset and isolated.

Lots of couples feel their grief is being brushed aside or that their loss isn’t being acknowledged by other people. You might find people don’t even mention it at all, perhaps because they’re unsure whether you want them to.

“I was sick of hearing ‘it wasn’t really a baby yet’. Even the nurse in A&E said this to me. The second I saw that positive result, I had my whole future of being a mother in my mind. People’s reactions can be very hard to deal with.”

Alex

Even when someone tries to reach out to you, you may feel like it isn’t enough.

Try to focus on the people who are offering support, who care and understand. We hope that for any upsetting comment or reaction you have, there is someone else who says the right things and helps you through this difficult time.

You and your partner

It’s not uncommon for couples to feel upset, disappointed or frustrated with their partner’s reaction to a miscarriage. Even though you have both lost a baby, you may have very different feelings and ways of coping. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t a strong couple or committed to each other, it just means that you respond to grief in your own way.

Find out more about your relationship with your partner after a miscarriage.

Your stories

“When I told the small group of people I did, they reacted in unexpected ways. My sadness had nothing to do with most of the things they said.”Louise's story. Read more...

“I will never forget how lovely it was when a close family friend sent me flowers after I lost my baby with a card just saying 'I'm so sorry' it also said that she herself had experienced a miscarriage with her first baby and so she knew how devastating it was.” Anonymous

“All the cliches poured out "It's unlucky", "It's just something that happens", "There's nothing you did wrong" blah blah blah... I was so angry I wanted to scream this wasn't 'something that happens'. It was our baby!”Leanne's story. Read more...

“I will try to respond differently in the future when someone shares bad news with me, although this isn’t easy because instinctively we all try to make each other feel better.”Anonymous. Read more...

“The truth is, people don't know what to say - unless they've experienced it themselves. Those that have say things like “there are no words - just know that I'm here.” Perfect. Because there are no words.” Lianne's story. Read more...

If someone you love has had a miscarriage, find out more about how you can support them.

Getting professional support

Partners, friends and family can be a vital source of support after a miscarriage. But if you don’t have a support network or if you’re feeling isolated or alone, there is help available.

If you’re worried that you or your partner are struggling to cope after losing a baby, please talk to your GP. They will be able to help you get more treatment or counselling locally.

You can also talk to a Tommy’s midwife free of charge from 9am–5pm, Monday to Friday on 0800 0147 800 or you can email them at [email protected]. Our midwives are trained in bereavement support.

There are also lots of organisations that can provide more advice and support about miscarriage.

Find out more about getting support after a miscarriage.

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    Comments

    Please note that these comments are monitored but not answered by Tommy’s. Please call your GP or maternity unit if you have concerns about your health or your baby’s health.
    • By My Miscarriage (not verified) on 3 Apr 2020 - 21:08

      Started at 3 am. On a Friday I knew it was inevitable but had an appointment on the Monday.
      Woke with mild cramps. They increased. By 5 it was pretty much contractions. Came in waves. Horrible. Waves. Then after 6 hours, a release. Still pain but it was there. I was devastated. I stayed home for a few days. My Dr said I should have been at the ER with morphine.
      I honestly wasn’t expecting this. This much pain.

    • By Kalli (not verified) on 9 Oct 2019 - 12:49

      Did anyone else partner say it was your fault?

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