We started trying for a baby back in 2007 and had three miscarriages. Then we had Noah, then Eli, another miscarriage and then Eve.
During my pregnancy with Noah I felt low, tired and anxious all the time. I was not as excited as everyone else around me was. But I just put it down to the miscarriages. It wasn’t until I had Eli and felt exactly the same, if not worse, that I started to think that this is not really the same as other people feel like in pregnancy.
I didn’t really want to talk about the pregnancies and I didn’t want to get excited about them.
I felt none of the things I felt I should feel.
When I was pregnant with Eve, I was kind of expecting my mood to dip. I thought I’d be able to prevent it though but I didn’t really. It was a case of, ‘Here we are again.’I felt really low and just not myself - really different to how I was normally.
I didn’t really want to go out, didn’t want to do anything, didn’t want to see people because I knew I would be asked how I was feeling, and I knew people were expecting me to say that I was fine. But that was not how I felt.
And I felt very tired, every time I sat down I’d just doze off to sleep. I never seemed to feel that glowing period that everybody talks about.
There were a few people I could speak to about it but I found that people would either not know what to say at all or they would say, ‘Oh I absolutely loved being pregnant.’ That’s not really what you want to hear. By the time I’d got to my third pregnancy, I knew who I could speak to. There were some friends who understood and would tell me to hang on in there and that there was an end in sight.
Having struggled with miscarriages I also felt that people were thinking that I should just be grateful that I was having a healthy pregnancy. Quite often people were just completely bemused if I did say I don’t really like being pregnant. They just didn’t know what to say at all.
The first time I raised it with a health professional was with my midwife, when I was pregnant with Eve. I would have been about nine weeks pregnant. They said, ‘That’s fine we’ll just keep an eye on it.’
Around six months in I was feeling quite low and I had a routine appointment. It was a different midwife, but I really plucked up the courage to raise it again. She was really kind and sympathetic. But it was the same old line of ‘Mmm yes, lots of people do feel like that in pregnancy, you’re very tired, you’ve got two older children to run around after’. That was all true, but I felt that my low mood was more than that. And her response was, ‘Well, you can see a doctor and get some antidepressants or we can wait a while and you might feel better in a few weeks’ time’.
I left the appointment feeling very much like I needed to deal with it myself.
Even though she was very sympathetic she said the kind of things that everyone else around me was saying: ‘Take it easy, give yourself a bit of a break.’ I had a four year old and a two year old so the chances of taking it easy were pretty slim. No one was going to come around and cook dinner. I left feeling like I was going to have to get through it on my own – or with the help of a few friends, and obviously my partner.
I remember lying in the bath shortly afterwards, the baby was kicking and I can remember thinking, ‘Well actually, I’m not on my own, it’s me and my baby, and I’m the only one that my baby’s got at the moment’.
And I started to think about things I could do that might help.
I made sure I did my pregnancy yoga every night. I started getting more sleep, switching off the TV and reading a book instead. I did lots of writing in my journal, writing about how I was feeling or just writing about other stuff. I did some hypnotherapy, just some relaxation techniques really. And I really tried to focus on spending some time each day focusing on the baby. That could just be putting my hands on my tummy when they were kicking and just thinking about the baby, rather than everything else that’s going on all around. I did find that helped just a little bit.
I tried to take things easy as we got towards the end of my pregnancy. My partner took my two older boys away for a weekend which was time for me to have a bit of maternity leave. I sorted out some baby clothes and that helped as well, starting to prepare for the baby coming. I found it helpful.
My partner would come home from work early to let me have a lie in and let me have just a bit of headspace when I needed it. And he was always there to listen.
I would say to mums who have anxiety in one pregnancy to be ready for it again in the next one. And remember that you came out of it last time and you will come out of it again this time. For me, as soon as I’d had the children it was like a weight had been lifted and I felt like I was my normal self again.
Prepare those around you for it. Find the people around you that you can talk to about it. Use them as a shoulder to cry on.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to feel good. Sometimes I found that just accepting that I was feeling low was enough to make it go away, or enough to make me ring a friend or do something with my other children that might help.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to feel fantastic, you don’t have to enjoy every moment of your pregnancy, just ride the wave is what I would say.
After all my pregnancies I can remember thinking about how wonderful it felt not to be pregnant. However sleep deprived I am, however tired I am, I’m not pregnant and I feel normal again.
I wouldn’t say it’s been plain sailing from then because having three little ones is a shock to the system but even through it all it feels like a completely different pressure than when I was pregnant.
There are so many good things about being a mum. Watching the children interact with each other and loving each other is fantastic. The fun that you have sharing the fun of being a child again with them is absolutely fantastic. And watching them grow and develop is just incredible.
I was a broken mess and I felt like my grief was wrong because it wasn’t a real baby, like I was being dramatic, over-the-top.
Toni and her husband Matt had a miscarriage in 2015 which left Toni with PTSD. The couple live in Leicester with daughters Phoebe and Willow. This is Toni's story.
Adjusting to life with a new baby can be difficult and overwhelming. We may set ourselves unachievable goals as a result of the unrealistic way society represents motherhood. This can leave us finding it hard to cope and feeling like we’ve failed.
Catherine shares her experience of postpartum depression and being part of the BBC documentary ‘Mothers on the Edge’.
I had postnatal depression after my first baby was born, but I chose to deal with it myself and didn’t ask for help. I was stubborn and assumed I’d be OK.
By Midwife @Tommys on 22 Dec 2016 - 10:20
I am glad reading Emily's story has helped you with how you are feeling in this pregnancy at the moment. I would really encourage you to access some help and support with how you are feeling, if you can do speak to your midwife and see what services are in your local area that can help you. Please also know we can support you, you can email us [email protected] or call 0800 0147 800 (mon-fri 9-5pm) if you would like to talk about how you are feeling and we can support you best we can.
By Faye (not verified) on 21 Dec 2016 - 18:35
I am pregnant with my third child and this pregnancy is by far the hardest I know i am so lucky to be pregnant because there are a lot of women who have problems getting here but my mood is so low I don't feel like me at first i thought it was my hormones and felt I was over reacting when talking to people about it but now I'm 18 weeks its getting worse I'm horrible and snappy and dread getting up in a morning its got to a point were I want to stay in and lock my doors and not see anybody because I know that when I do see them I'll be horrible I feel constantly guilty snapping at my two children reading Emily's story has helped me a little knowing why I'm feeling like this I just hope I feel better after having my baby and I worry how my baby is all the time
By Anonymous (not verified) on 17 Jun 2016 - 04:47
I lost my last baby at 15.5 weeks, I am now 28 weeks along with my 3rd pregnancy and feel just like this. I'm so glad that you were willing to share. Thank you.