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I fell pregnant at 18, I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We were very young a naive and the world was against us! It felt like everyone was waiting for us to fail. During my pregnancy a midwife noticed that my bump wasn't the size it should have been. She told me my baby was IUGR (growth restricted) and referred me to have further scans/tests at the hospital.
I panicked. We all did! I was young and healthy, with a small little bump! I had to have growth scans once a week and the baby's heartbeat was monitored four times a week. It was decided that the baby wasn't growing as he should and so they fixed a date to induce me.
A month before due date, I was booked in. All my hopes for a home birth went out the window! My son's heartbeat was ministered throughout the labour and he arrived all 5 pounds 11 ounces.
After that day, nobody could explain to me why all of that went on. As time went by I didn't think about it and just put it down to him being a small baby.
I fell pregnant again
Two years on, I fell pregnant again. At this point, sadly, due to all the negativity I received after having my son so young I had an abortion. I forever felt like I was being judged, which was so sad because I was a fantastic mum, I picked it up so easy.
I had the coil fitted after that to stop any further pregnancies. After about three years, I had it removed. Myself and my partner were now looking forward to another child, we had stayed together through it all and proved everyone wrong. I fell pregnant in November 2011, I was in Ireland when I did the test. It came back positive. We were over the moon. A few days later when we returned I had started to bleed. I went to the hospital and they confirmed I had miscarried at 6 weeks. I was absolutely heartbroken, but I felt positive knowing that we could try again.
March 2012, was the next miscarriage and they all followed after that.
March 2012, was the next miscarriage and they all followed after that. The local hospital began to get to know me, they sent one of my babies off to be tested and that came back clear. My bloods were clear. After my third miscarriage I was referred to St Mary's where they did further testing/scanning. I was forever being told what a perfect womb I have and that they had no idea why this keeps happening. One blood test came back showing that I was Factor V Leiden, I was advised to inject myself twice a day with heparin as well as take aspirin every day. Even this didn't work.
I had 13 miscarriages in total. I have lost 13 little people. I was completely put off having sex due to not being physically or emotionally able to go through another one. And my partner of 13 years had an affair. We had to go separate ways because I would never be able to trust him again. I can put my hand on my heart and say that those miscarriages caused the break up.
Miscarrying became normal
I never really sat there and broke down over what has happened. The first night or two from each one is uncomfortable but I got used to the pain and would carry on at work whilst it is happening. They became normal.
I'm 29 now. My beautiful son is 9. He is amazing. I don't get down because I can't have kids I get down because I wasn't able to give him a sibling. That's really hard. Even though he doesn't really care. I'm a single parent now and his father has met someone and they are having a baby. It hurts that I wasn't able to give him that.
I would love to one day be told why. An explanation for the years of hurt and upset. So many people say to me you'll have one, a miracle will happen like your son. My thoughts are always that I couldn't... I couldn't let myself become pregnant to even risk going through another loss. I think that would break me. I have given up hope. Sometimes you gave to call it a day.
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