Tommy's guest blog 23/02/2017 by Becci
When I had a missed miscarriage in 2013 I didn't really talk to anyone except my husband and I regret that, I think it would have helped. I went back to work a couple of days later and carried on as normal. I have also recently suffered an early miscarriage at 7.5 weeks. In between the two pregnancies we had our beautiful rainbow baby in November 2014, she is now 2.
My story -
I've lost 2 babies - 1 an early miscarriage and 1 a missed miscarriage.
I first fell pregnant in 2013 and I didn't find out until about 7-8 weeks so it all went quickly.
I remember sitting in the waiting room at our dating scan when I would have been just less than 13 weeks pregnant. I'd had a bad feeling for a couple of weeks previously and had been feeling really unwell and something didn't seem right. I kept telling myself I needed to be more positive and the GP kept insisting it was 'just pregnancy'.
I didn't know any different and carried on as normally as possible. At about 11 weeks I started to feel better. So we were there sat waiting for our scan, excited and nervous with all the over parents to be. I was feeling positive as I was feeling much more back to normal.
It was obvious something was wrong quite soon after the scan started. The sonographer didn't say anything and said she had to fetch a colleague, no further explanation.
During this time I'd only briefly looked at the screen and glimpsed our developing baby, I was too scared to look properly and I wish I had. She returned what seemed like ages later (it wasn't), they continued to say nothing until the colleague eventually said 'yep' and then left.
She then turned to us and said 'I'm so sorry the baby has no heartbeat'. I don't really remember what went through my mind at the time.
She explained that I had suffered a missed miscarriage where the heart had stopped beating but my body hadn't miscarried. It was estimated that had happened a couple of weeks earlier. They wanted to send us home initially but I didn't want to drag it out so we were sent to another ward to talk about what happened next.
Walking back through the waiting room was the worst. I was crying and they tried to rush me past all the pregnant ladies quickly.
I was given options for what would happen next, and it was deciding I would have a procedure/operation the following day to end the pregnancy. As the pregnancy hadn't miscarried there was a higher risk of infection and future complications. I felt awful agreeing to it though.
At home that night I sat in the bath and cried. My husband sat on the bathroom floor and I remember saying 'I have a dead baby inside me'. Sounds awful to say that now.
Waiting to go in the next morning felt like an eternity. I couldn't wait for it to be over and done with but then when it is you feel sad you wished it away. I have to say despite hearing some horrible stories of how people have been treated following the loss of a baby, the staff (St Michaels, Bristol) that looked after me were amazing and really supportive.
The memory that stays with me this most is lying on the hospital bed and being wheeled to the theatre, staring at the ceiling and crying.
I came round after very upset, the nurse held my hand and said 'I've been where you are now'. Speaking to other people have been through it is comforting because they completely understand and you don't feel so alone. We told parents, siblings and my best friend and that was it.
I wish I had talked about it more but I think I felt embarrassed and as if people would think 'why are you telling me this?'.
I have spoke about it a little more recently but I really think it would of helped at the time.
I fell pregnant again about 6 months later. We were scared and couldn't relax throughout the pregnancy, but on 30.11.2014 our beautiful rainbow baby was born and we've appreciated every single second. I think more so because of our past experience. She's 2 now and I wouldn't change her for the world, but I often think of before as I don't want to just forget.
We recently decided to try for a second baby. I fell pregnant quite quickly and we were really excited and started talking about the future but I miscarried naturally at around 7.5 weeks. I had a scan 24 hours later and there was nothing there, I found that really surreal that it could be over so quickly.
My daughter helped me, not 'because I already have one' I detest that being said like one replaces another they are all individuals, but because she kept me busy and smiling.
Early miscarriage is hard as you are grieving someone you never saw or knew and will always wonder who they might have been. It’s the loss of your future as you thought it would be.
It’s such a shame that people feel they cannot talk about their experiences, as I didn't but I feel a lot of that is due to a pure lack of awareness which is why I wanted to support this campaign.