I remember thinking that this was all a dream

By Siobhan Clarke

This run was a very important run for me as I was doing it in memory of the baby which I will never get to hold. This journey has been a hard journey for me. It was not plain sailing as I could not conceive naturally, which was unexplained and I have never been given any answers for.

It was my 2nd IVF attempt when I finally got the positive pregnancy test, and to say that I was in shock was an understatement. I could not believe that it had finally worked, from that moment I saw the 2 lines appear on the pregnancy test I had already fallen in love with you.

My love grew for you every time I took another test and saw the line appear again. Once I saw your heartbeat I loved you even more. I remember the 1st time I saw the heartbeat I started crying, they were pure tears of joy.

I did not care if you were a boy or girl - all that I knew was that I was going to love you with all my heart.

The day I found out that there was no heartbeat broke my heart, it ripped me to pieces. I’ve never felt pain so fierce.

I felt hurt, angry, confused, lost, sad, why me? These were all the feelings that was going through me. What had I done to deserve this? I remember thinking to myself that this was all a dream and it was not really happening, that I would wake up and I’ll still be pregnant. Unfortunately that was not the case.

I then had to make the hardest decision of my life - how do I deal with the miscarriage?

I chose to have the surgical option as I knew that there was no way I could do it naturally as that would have completely destroyed me.

The day I went into hospital is a day that I’ll always remember. I was a mess. I remember just rocking back and forth and sobbing my whole heart out. I did not have the support of my partner as our relationship ended the day we found out that the baby had died.

I went through this with the support of close friends and my parents as not a lot of people knew that I was doing IVF and trying for a baby. The Sarmatians and the miscarriage association helped me to deal with everything that I was going through, I was in a really dark place and I could not see light at the end of the tunnel. I was having weekly counselling sessions to help me deal with the miscarriage as I blamed myself for it happening.

'It was good to talk to someone that was able to understand what I was going through and how I was feeling, as some people don’t really understand.'

I then came across the London Landmarks Half Marathon website and decided that I would sign up, I would do it in memory of the baby that I’ll never get to hold. This then gave me something to focus on and work towards. I really pushed myself with my training as it was my way of blocking everything out that had happened. 

I was doing so well with my training until 1 weeks to go I got a nasty cold. I was so ill that I was laid up in bed for 5 days with a fever and a head cold. I really thought that, that was the end of me taking part as I’m asthmatic and I did not know if it had gone to my chest. 

The day of the half marathon was an amazing day, I managed to complete the race even though I was still getting over a cold. My baby was guiding me around, the sun was shining and she was with me throughout the race. Crossing that line with the balloon for my Angel was the most emotional thing. 

But it was time to say goodbye, my Angel – sweet dreams, love Mummy. I’ll never forget you, but you had the send-off you deserved, as you made a big impact in my life one that I’ll always treasure and remember. 

Sweet Dreams, my Angel.