Wake Me Up From this Nightmare

I’m trying to be okay, but I’m also going to allow myself to hurt and grieve as lost as my body needs.

Story of baby loss

Story by Jordynn,

On January 25th, we first found out we were pregnant. So many emotions were going around for the next week.

I have never felt so happy, my boyfriend was just as happy. We fell madly in love with this little baby we created. Names were picked out, plans were being made. I was only 5 weeks when I went to the hospital for our confirmation appointment on Wednesday, January 30th, and left the hospital on cloud 9.

We were having a baby.

Everything felt right and like it was all falling into place. Being a mother was a dream I have always had. We knew we weren’t ready, but we were excited and going to love our baby with everything we have. We still do.

Sunday, February 3rd, I woke up and used the restroom and noticed some spotting. I didn’t think much of it, since spotting in early pregnancy was normal. It wasn’t until I went to work that I began to worry. The spotting turned into bright red bleeding. The cramps started to become present, my heart was racing. I was so scared. I got ahold of my manager to come cover for me, so my boyfriend and I could go to the ER.

We were terrified but hoping for the best.

I had to get some urine tests done and as I was getting ready to go back to my room, I noticed blood in the toilet and my heart dropped. I told the nurses what was happening and as soon as they left, I broke down. Tears began rolling down my cheek. Thankfully my boyfriend was there, I wouldn’t have been able to have done it alone.

After 5 hours of waiting and have tests done. My doctor came back in the room with the news I never wanted to hear. It was a threatened miscarriage. My hCG levels were not where they needed to be, they were at 318. He gave me some paper with things I could do at home to give it the best chance of prospering. The nurses came back to discharge me, but one came in and sat with me.

She told me this wasn’t my fault, to allow myself to grieve and cry. She told me her story and how even after 26 years, she still cries. Then she made sure I knew, that even though I was only carrying my baby for a short time, it was still my baby. She handed me a little box with a green ribbon on it and gave me a hug before she left. My boyfriend came back in and we made our way home.

The ride home was quiet, besides the sounds of my crying coming from the passenger side. I’ve never been so scared in my life. We read the paper when we got home, I called out of work for Monday so I could rest and stay off my feet. We were being optimistic that this is all going to be okay.

As we laid down in bed, the cramps began to become more unbearable. My period cramps are some of the worst physical pain I have ever felt, until that night. I can’t even explain the pain I was feeling. I was hunched over as I sat in the toilet, crying and crying. I felt like apart of me was gone. I passed many blood clots, none bigger than a quarter.

My friends were helping me through it as much as they could. We had an appointment for that Wednesday to get my blood labs done. Hoping my hCG levels would go back up. I tried to be optimistic, not think about it or stress my body out.

Wednesday came around and we went to the hospital. Third time I was getting my blood taken in the last week. They said it would take up to 2 hours to get the results back. We were hoping everything was going to be okay, until we got the call.

It happened.

The doctor said my hCG levels had fallen again and were now at 59. My heart shattered. It felt like my world had ended. I hung up the phone and began to sob. I was hoping for the best, but I was prepared for the worst. As prepared as I was, it still felt like I was hit by a bus. I couldn’t breathe.

It’s only been about a week since I lost my baby. Nothing seems fair, I keep blaming myself. I have breakdowns every once in a while and know that’ll happen a lot. It’s a very traumatic situation, and I know it won’t be easy to deal with. I feel lost and hopeless.

I’m trying to be okay, but I’m also going to allow myself to hurt and grieve as lost as my body needs. I am a mother, this baby made me a mother and I will never forget my first baby.

I know I will heal, I just need time.

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