Story by Sonali,
I want to start by saying that as soon as this tragedy happened to us, we both knew we wanted to share our story and help raise awareness.
Our story begins when we found out we were pregnant exactly 2 weeks after we got engaged. We were very surprised but so happy to share even more wonderful news with our parents. At this point I was around 4 weeks pregnant and was falling asleep in the middle of the day and felt extremely nauseous. We did everything by the book and took on-board all the advice from our doctor, I started taking vitamins, rested, but went out when I could to stay active. I had to turn down 2 international work opportunities as my nausea was becoming too much, my body was telling me not travel... in hindsight this was a blessing.
Around 6.5 weeks in we decided to go for an early private scan to have everything confirmed. The anxiety up to this was crazy... I almost felt as if something was wrong from then. The lady who scanned me had said that she could see one yolk sack, and what looked like another small sack away from this. We could tell from the look on her face she seemed a bit concerned, remained positive but that there was something we weren’t being told (the fact it could be possible twins). She said there was no fetal pole yet but I was measuring around 5/5.5 weeks. This is when alarm bells started ringing for me even more. We were a week away from our booking appointment so I tried to keep very calm and stay positive but I could tell from the look on her face that there was something not quite right.
We don’t want to get into all the details of the run up to the miscarriage, but within 10 days it all got pretty rough.
I had to go to A&E with bleeding on a Friday, was told all looked normal but get plenty of rest. They wanted me to go for a scan the following Monday where by this point I was bleeding more. We went for another scan followed by an internal scan. The results were the same as our first scan which was a tough pill to swallow as no matter how positive we tried to be, it began to dawn on us what was likely going to happen. The nurse we saw told me it could be the early signs of a miscarriage but to keep an eye out for more possible bleeding.
I told my partner Ed to leave and go back home while I stayed at my parents house in London that week where I had been having my appointments... then at 4am on Tuesday my body went into extremely early labour. With my mum by my side, I could hardly stand so spent 2 hours in the shower with my whole family helping me as I had to endure the physical and emotional pain of seeing what I thought was our future, disappear in front on my eyes. With the amount of blood, clots and tissue I was losing we had to call and ambulance and was taken to hospital.
My thoughts during this:
- My cries and screams will stay with all of us forever
- I wish my family did not have to witness that - This is so unfair - How will I get through this - I’m so glad Ed wasn't here to see any of that
This is where I also thought, no-one told me that I would have such big clots come out of me. This is not to scare anyone, but purely to talk openly about what really happens and my experience. Through it all, the physical side was the most traumatic for me. Scared of what would fall out of me in the toilet, every time I moved in the shower fist sized balls of clots would come out of me. It became apparent very soon after the misconception of what a miscarriage is and what it entails. People think it’s just a period which couldn’t be further from the truth. I hope our story helps people aware of what really happens and what so many women go through, and still go through.
Anyway...I spent some hours at the hospital where I had to have another internal scan. Which as you can imagine after going through such trauma is not so great. But the lady who scanned me was the same who saw me 24 hours earlier and was so brilliant! I was being told:
- The positive is your body is pushing it out itself so you don't need any help
- It is better now than later
- Don't be afraid to try again in a couple of months
By this point I was completely emotionally and mentally drained that their words just went straight through me. I understood why they were saying those words, but ultimately we had lost our baby/babies, and we will never really understand why.
After thinking the worst was over, I was set to just rest for the week before having to work. But the next day my body went into contracting again and passed more clots and tissue. This is where I kept thinking... no-one had told me this would happen again. I kept being told the worst is over, yet my body was contracting over and over again.
I was terrified to go to the toilet by myself for the rest of that week for what I may find..or I would find myself crying on the toilet or in the shower. This is where I just wanted it to be over for my family as well as it was extremely distressing for them all.
Myself and Ed are very lucky to have a really strong support network but I am aware it is hard for the people around you to feel like they can support you. Overall the situation is something that will never leave you and you will probably not like comments people say to you, but they mean everything from a good place.
Last week I had what we thought would be my last internal scan. I spoke to the sonographer about my miscarriage and the previous scan which I showed her. She said that with all the information with regards to what I went through and the picture of our first scan, it was highly likely we lost Monoamniotic Twins. We found out that there is still a tiny amount there which they are hoping will come out naturally, so now there is a waiting game again before I get the all clear.
I want to end all of this on a positive. Do not be scared to talk to your family and friends about what you are going through. Talking and being open has been the best form of therapy for us. Find your own ways of coming to terms with what has happened as there is no right or wrong.
I found working a few days a week has really helped me mentally...but I have been listening to my body on when to rest.
You may feel guilty that you have upset family and friends with this news, but ultimately they only want you to be okay and healthy. My final note is listen to your body. If I didn't have the gut feeling that we should go for scan at 6.5 weeks we wouldn't have had the little information we do today on what may have been going on.
From the second we found out we were pregnant, we found this strength within us as parents. That strength will never leave us x
We asked our lovely friend and supporter, Jennie Agg, what motherhood and Mother's Day means to her. In this piece, she speaks of her difficult past experiences of Mother's Day, how she has grappled with a sense of being in limbo, and the ultimate purity of her feeling of mother love.
After 9 miscarriages and a termination for medical reasons, Ellie decided to take part in a medical research trial. Soon after, her first rainbow baby, Aidan, was born. Two years later, Ellie and her husband Mike decided that it was time to try again. They sadly lost two more babies to miscarriage. Ellie tried again and fell pregnant for the 14th time. She gave birth to her second rainbow baby, Sam, in 2019.
"While I have very limited control over something that matters so much to me, I am determined to control my outlook on life. I want to see what life throws at me and to live it to the fullest. If that means carrying on my amazing life without my own children, then I’ll take it."
There was nothing I could do to stop it, the doctor suggested I go home in the comfort of my own house to let it pass. In that moment our future was destroyed.
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