Just us two and I miss you

The midwife said: 'Maybe he is turned in a funny position', but we waited and still she couldn’t find the heartbeat.

Story of Miscourage

Story by Renee

It was summer month of August of 2010, I found out I was pregnant and I was excited.

I was happy to find out I was going to be a mummy I was going to be responsible for someone else’s life. I was going to be someone’s mummy. As the summer draws to a close the winter came and as my stomach grew so did my excitement to welcome this little person into my life. 

I went to the hospital for my scan at 5 months and my midwife today I would be having a little boy, a baby boy It made it all the more real that I was going to be a mum. 

I can still remember the first time I felt him move, I was laying down on my bed and all of sudden I felt this ripple effects on the inside of my stomach. At first I was sure what it was but he did it again and then I realised my son was now moving inside. His movement became more frequent and varied and more powerful. 

I had arrived at the final stage of my pregnancy I was 34 weeks and I went to see my midwife for a check up, so far everything has been good I had a healthy pregnancy and I was feeling okay.

Some days I was really tired my back hurt and I just wanted to be cared for but I was okay. As I arrived in my midwife’s office we chatted and she wanted to examine my stomach to make sure my baby’s heartbeat was okay. She wasn’t able to locate his heartbeat and I thought nothing of it.

She said maybe he is turned in a funny position, but we waited a while and still she couldn’t find the heartbeat. So she sent me off to the hospital and asked that I be seen right away, with all of this I didn’t think anything was wrong. 

I just thought this was normal it happens sometimes. I went to the hospital I saw the midwife there and she placed a Sonicaid on my stomach to hear the heartbeat clearly. But no! No heartbeat she tired several times still no loud noise echoing notting it was silents. She told me she had to go get someone. I started to get scared I thought I was going to have to give birth that very day 6weeks before I am suppose to. The midwife came back with two other midwifes, she tired once more to hear the heartbeat. 

And then one midwife turned to me an said I am sorry Miss Robinson but your baby has passed way... that dark room grew so small so quickly I didn’t understand what they where saying. I lost all control, I lost all memory of what I said and did after that point. I walked into the hospital with my baby and I am now without my baby.

Just like that my whole world changed and changed for the worst. I went into a 17 hour labour to deliver my little boy. He was born on the 25.02.2011 at 4:35 pm. Tristan Calder came into the world but not has I imagine.

People asked me what happened? How did he died? Did you fall? What happened? I wanted to tell them something, it was this, it was that ..... but the truth is I had no idea what happened I don’t know why my son died... how could he be so close to me and I still have no idea what caused his death. I have only recently accepted that my son is never coming home, I will never hear him say mum, all my dreams and hope for him have now got to be put to bed.

My life has never been the same, I am not the same person anymore I am lost without my little boy. All those dreams who do I pour them into now. My son was taken from me abruptly I never got to say good bye.

What makes his death different to others is that I am the only one who knew him and miss him. Everyone can just move on including his father but me I am his mum and will never be able to leave him behind.

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