Story by Alison,
The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the most amazing days of my life.
Both myself and my partner had talked about babies and looked forward to the day when it would happen we just didn’t expect that day to come around so quickly. I had taken four tests all with very faint lines & a digital which said pregnant.
My doctor asked for a urine sample to confirm the pregnancy which originally came back as negative, the second sample came back as positive but they told me it was possibly just very early in the pregnancy and not to worry, looking back I think the warning signs were there from the very beginning.
So off to the midwife I went & read all my books, picturing what my bump would look like or what those first kicks would feel like & assigning the nickname ‘Baby Bud’.
I’ve never seen my partner so happy before.
We booked a private scan as our NHS one was too far away. The lady asked if I had my dates right as I was measuring 2 weeks behind, I was sure they were correct.
Twenty minutes or less after leaving that’s when the bleeding started, my heart was shattered.
EPU advised as I had just left a scan and everything appeared OK I should just stay calm and take it easy and hopefully it would stop, sometimes bleeding can happen early on etc straight to google I went and I was sure I was in the process of miscarrying.
The following 4 weeks were torture. My bleeding would come and go but my pregnancy symptoms started to become more stronger, I spent days believing it was over but then I would be sick which made me think everything was OK.
Finally one night I passed 4/5 large clots of blood probably around the size of £2 coins. EPU asked us to come in for a check up. The doctor examined me and after explained that I was losing my baby.
I was given some information to go home with and a scan was scheduled for the following morning to confirm what they already suspected. We went home and almost immediately I started having mild contractions, my body felt like it was on fire & I was sweating so much I felt ill. I felt the need to push something out when I went to the bathroom and then that was it, it was all over. I’ve never cried so much in my life. We had to collect what I passed and give it to the doctors the next day.
The scan confirmed our thoughts & we were asked to sign some forms. Walking out to the car we passed through the maternity unit & I saw excited parents to be & pregnant woman everywhere I was so angry, how dare anyone have what I had just lost.
We were contacted and told that our baby’s remains would be placed in a collective cremation and scattered in the Baby Garden within our local Crematorium. We had a place to go and grieve and to be honest that’s what got me through it.
Having the conversations to tell everyone the baby hadn’t made it felt embarrassing.
The thing a woman is made to do and I couldn’t do it.
The following weeks all I heard was ‘well it wasn’t meant to be’ but it was, I was meant to be that baby’s Mum and protect them and I couldn’t do that.
The guilt I feel that I wouldn’t have have my son today had it not been for our loss cripples me. I was pregnant again on what would have been my due date with our Baby Bud. I spent the full pregnancy in constant fear of everything.
We never thought we would have a happy ending to our story but we always thank above that our son arrived safely with his guardian angel looking over him.
"While I have very limited control over something that matters so much to me, I am determined to control my outlook on life. I want to see what life throws at me and to live it to the fullest. If that means carrying on my amazing life without my own children, then I’ll take it."
When I called the Tommy’s helpline, the midwife was so caring and supportive. In that time of complete numbness and confusion, I needed both kindness and direction. I am so thankful I had access to that.
I feel like I’ve overcome a lot in this last week, there’s definitely more good days than bad, but I still miss what could’ve been.
I am very confused, no one has said blighted ovum and no one has told me anything about my miscarriage.
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