Story by Jada Mendez,
January 8th 2019 my boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant.
Even though I'm 18 when we found out and I'm still 18 when all this happened, it felt like a dream come true for me.
I'd be a Mum like I always wanted to be. My obgyn said my due date was set for September 9th 2019.
My boyfriend and I were so excited because it was our firstborn. A week and a half before my first ultrasound to hear the heartbeat, I started to bleed.
I got worried and went to the ER. Everything seemed normal but they couldn't find the baby on 3 different ultrasounds so they sent me home and asked for a followup appointment the next Monday.
The next day February 8th, I began to bleed more and I noticed blood clots and pain in my stomach.
My boyfriend was at work and when he came home, my pain was worse and I called an ambulance. By the time I left my house to the hospital my pain went from a 5 to an 8.
I was there for about 3 hours when they told me its a miscarriage.
I carried our precious baby for 3 months. 9 weeks and 4 days to be exact. In 76 days I grew attached to that little perfect baby.
We never got to see them on the ultrasound or hear their little heartbeat.
Writing this story is too difficult for me right now because this happened 2 days ago. The physical pain is nowhere near the amount of pain I have emotionally and mentally.
If I still had tears, I'd be crying right now but all that's left is this hole in my heart. All I wanted was to hold my little baby and now I find myself stuck wondering how their heartbeat would have sounded like.
Wondered what their first word would have been. And all the other firsts. No pain can amount to this kind of pain in my life.
To know I never got to meet the child I was suppose to love and care for was taken away before I could even hear their heartbeat for the first time. I do not wish this upon any one. I now find it hard to smile, to eat, to shower, and even to brush my teeth.
I haven't gotten out of bed since the night I found out my little one is now heaven.
I am not OK and I don't know when that will be but I know it will be one day.
I feel like I’ve overcome a lot in this last week, there’s definitely more good days than bad, but I still miss what could’ve been.
I am very confused, no one has said blighted ovum and no one has told me anything about my miscarriage.
All tests indicated Claire was healthy, and her egg count numbers were high enough for us to embark on the egg sharing programme
I’m trying to be okay, but I’m also going to allow myself to hurt and grieve as lost as my body needs.
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