by Louise Twist
I was 27 years old when I had my first child Chloe. She was perfect in every way. My pregnancy was easy. The birth was fairly straight forward and she was just the way a baby should be in every sense.
When Chloe turned three I started to try for a second baby. Most of my mummy friends had their second so I felt time was catching me up at 30, which sounds ridiculous but looking back now I realise we actually don't have all the time in the world life passes us by in the blink of an eye.
So I came off the pill and we started to try. I thought it would only take a couple of goes as I fell pregnant with Chloe only three months into being married.
After five months I was pregnant. I was so excited telling everyone - friends, family, work, strangers, but at 11 weeks I had my scan to tell me I had silent miscarried twins with very little development.
I was stunned and the walls came crashing in. No picture to show my little girl. No happy outcome.
So I tried again and got pregnant the following month again. I lost the pregnancy but this time it was awful - a suspected molar pregnancy with bad blood loss. I had to have a DC and the pain was unbearable.
I got referred to a hospital where I had the tests for possible reasons why ladies miscarry. I almost pinned my hopes on them finding something wrong - then they could fix it and I could have another baby - but they found nothing. I was advised try again and suffered another loss.
By this point I had given up hope of a baby. Then I got offered to take part in a medical trial investigating pregnancy loss. I got pregnant straightaway and began the trial.
Every day was like torture, going to the toilet to check for bleeding, obsessing over what not to eat, do, think.
I saw a heartbeat at six weeks but then suffered bleeding at 8 weeks. I was convinced that I had lost the pregnancy, but she was still there.
I spent the rest of the pregnancy praying - not drinking tea, not eating prawns, cheese, anything that would take her away. And then she arrived - baby Harriet, my miracle!
I don't know if I was on the trial drug or a placebo but my advice to anyone in my situation is don't give up hope or trying ask for help and don't take having children as a right. It's a privilege not everyone can have. Don't leave it for a rainy day. If you want children, have them while you can. I will never forget the babies I have lost. Four angels in the sky .
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