I was so excited to fall pregnant with my 2nd child, a brother/sister for my 2 year old son to play with. I could just picture the next few years in my head, and the years after that, and the years after that. We would have the perfect little family.
I was a lot more relaxed with this pregnancy, everything was fine with my 1st pregnancy - I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Dexter - so I can do it again, easy! We told our parents & my sister as I had morning sickness and knew I might need a helping hand with my son on my bad days.
It was the week before my 12 week scan, I remember sending a group text out to my mum n sister saying 1 week to go! We were all so excited. But as soon as I sent that text, everything fell to pieces.
I was at work, I work in a children's home - I had just got back from taking one the children to a hospital appointment. Because of the environment I work in, I had to inform my manger and the staff team when you first find out your pregnant. This is because we sometimes have to restrain and that's a no go for a pregnant lady, so everyone knew I was expecting.
I popped to the loo when I got back from the appointment and noticed I was bleeding, my heart sunk. I was on with all male members of staff & for some reason found it nerve racking to tell them what was going on, but I did and they sent me straight home so I could go to the doctors.
I rang my partner and my mum, in total bits - shaking and emotionally broken.
I got home and was soon followed in the door by my husband. I got an emergency appointment at the doctors, I now started to get stomach pains. In my heart I knew exactly what was happening. The doctor pretty much confirmed he believed I was miscarry and told me to go home and rest and let nature take its course.
I didn't want that, I wanted him to do something, I wanted him to stop the miscarriage, to help me but in reality he couldn't.
I went home, I continued to bleed but they tummy pains disappeared. I spent the whole evening crying, like what was happening was my fault. Then I asked why it was happening to me, I had Dexter fine so why this?
I didn't get much sleep, a few hours maximum. We woke up and because I wasn't in pain & the bleeding wasn't too bad - we decided to get out the house. Gets some fresh air and go to a nice park, about 20mins away in the car.
As soon as we got in the car I started getting pain, like contractions. In the space of 15mins they got worse n worse. I felt like I couldn't breathe. We took a detour to the nearest A&E.
I didn't have to wait for too long which was good. I got called in to a small room, the nurse didn't really know what to do with me. So she left the room to ring the maternity day unit.
It felt like she left me there for hours.
The pain got worse, it felt like I was in the final stages of birth - those strong contraction pains - well that's what I was having. It's was happening, I knew it and I was there in a room on my own.
Husband outside entertaining my hyper 2 years old.
She came back, gave me my notes and told me to go over to the day unit. I walked out the door & before I could even speak to my husband I got the worse contraction of my life.
Then I felt a huge loss in my knickers, I just screamed and ran to the toilets in a&e.
I sat on the toilet, my knickers full of blood and then another contraction and that's when I gave birth to my angel baby - in the A&E toilet.
I was heart broken. I stood up and took a look down the toilet, i sometimes wish I never looked - a tiny little baby. I was all over the place, my heart breaking, crying uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do. And then In total shock, I just flushed the toilet.
And as soon as I did it I regretted it. What did I just do? I ran out of the toilets and collapsed into my husbands arms. I was weak & a mess.
I didn't care if everyone was looking at me, at the moment in time I just couldn't control myself any longer. "It's gone, our baby's gone" he walked me out of A&E I was still getting pains so my husband convinced me to go to the day unit. I broke down to the midwives, all I kept saying was I'm so sorry, I'm flushed it down the toilet, I'm sorry.
I then had another huge contraction and knew I was losing more. So the midwife came with me & collected any lose to be examined.
Once the losses calmed, I was given a bed & morphine as I was still getting contractions. I felt numb, I couldn't cry no more tears, I just kept thinking of what could of been. Unfortunately I continued to lose a lot of blood and large clots as I wasn't passing my placenta.
I ended up being rushed to theatre to be "cleared".
I return from theatre, feeling emptying. No pain, no cramps, no feeling of being pregnant, no feeling a tiny baby growing inside of me, nothing. I felt nothing. I felt like the least pregnant person on the planet, and that's because I was no longer pregnant.
I woke up this morning with a baby inside of me, and now I go to bed empty - no baby.
I got to go home that evening, which was great because I hugged my little boy so tight. My family who knew were great, supported me and did everything they could do to support me.
But then that was that, I grieved behind closed doors. Not many people knew I was pregnant so nobody knew our pain. I cried more than I have ever cried before, for what could of been.
I sat for hours wondering what I did wrong, what could I of done to prevent it happening. Why me? What did I do? I was doing all this behind closed doors, nobody knew my pain apart from the people who were close to me.
I did tell a few people what I'd been through but I got the "well at least it was early" and "it wasn't really a baby at that stage anyway" and "it's okay because you have got Dexter" those comments made me stop talking about it.
I did find that many people I knew had been through the same thing, I was shocked.
I mean I knew it happened but nobody every speaks about it, like it's a taboo subject. I know that if it was spoken about more then people wouldn't feel so alone, like I felt when it happens to me.
I have gone on to try and help others, I have been an person to lean on to friends n family who have been through similar situations. I think it's important. I wish someone was there for me who had been through it, to tell me everything was going to be okay.
I have gone on to have my rainbow baby Henry, who is just over a year old. I feel extremely lucky to have him but it still doesn't stop me from thinking what could of been.
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