How special that moment truly was. Mother's Day, of all days too.
A positive test I held in my hand. Smiling, a joyful smile.
I couldn't believe it! Nor the feeling of absolute happiness I felt as I looked down, with a gleam in my eyes, at my soon to be bump; my growing womb.
It was unexpected. However, so very wanted and needed. Within moments you already had your very own place in my heart, my home, my forever.
The excitable days passed by so slowly, now that we knew you were there. My magical baby. We planned away for your arrival, planning more and more; even imagining what your beautiful eyes and beaming smile would look like when I held you for the first time.
Weeks had passed by now. I was so, so, so in love with you and I decided it was time to start sharing my sweetest secret with all the people I love.
Your brothers and sisters were beside themselves with excitement and also began to plan their adventures, yet to come, with you.
Your Daddy couldn't believe that his special wish had been answered. That you had been given to him.
We loved you - together, forever, for eternity. You were our Baby, already.
Overexcited, we couldn't wait! We were finally going to see you - your heartbeat - beating inside of me. I was unable to contain the butterflies in my tummy at the thought. It was going to be our first meeting. I was so happy. My Baby.
I knew instantly. There was something wrong. My heart dropped, like an egg falling to the floor and cracking - emotions spilling out - uncontrollably.
When did you go?
I felt empty from that moment. I wanted to believe it wasn't happening; for you were still inside me and I was still protecting you. I would keep you safe, surely.
If you were gone already I would feel something happening, wouldn't I? But I didn't, and you stayed for a while. It was almost as if you were allowing me time to accept it all, before your final goodbye.
I like to think that you didn't leave straight away because you wanted to stay safe in my womb. Loved. Cocooned and warm. Your home.
You slipped away from me that painful night, leaving me emptier than before, which I didn't think was possible. A hole inside was all that was left now; so vast and dark. The light had gone and had taken all my joy, my dreams, my Hope.
It wasn't your fault that you had to go; for some reason. Why? I'll never know. Why were you given to us only to be taken away? It is so cruel, so savage.
I've been left, forgotten in a pit of despair and heartbreak and i'm expected to carry on like nothing has happened.
Once you were inside me my heart's desire formed expectations - to hold you, love you and adore your every breath, everything about you. How can I go back to before? Before you were inside me? How can I forget those feelings? Not being able to hold you, love you and adore you. It is so hard trying to be normal again.
My promise to you:
We will try to find you again and I hope your soul will find its way back to us. That is what I will hold on to, until I get to hold you in my arms and I will know that I loved you already. So, so, so very much.
My baby - Hope
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer