I don't think you believe it will ever happen to you. My first pregnancy was a wonderful surprise. After the initial shock the excitement began to build. I sailed through the pregnancy and birth and settled into life as a family.
I always wanted my children to have close age gap so in August 2017 I stopped taking the pill. I was delighted and surprised when I took a positive pregnancy test in October. I couldn't believe I was so lucky to fall so quickly. We shared the news with family and friends who where equally excited.
I suffered many of the normal early pregnancy complaints. From heartburn to severe sickness much the same as with my daughter. I regularly had to pull over whilst driving to be sick whilst the familiar all day sickness lingered.
We went away in October on a family holiday and I followed all the rules. Avoiding the hot tub and of course any alcohol. Whilst on holiday I suffered a small bleed. I wasn't overly worried as I know its common in early pregnancy. It wasn't fresh blood and I suffered no cramping or pain. I was on a cruise so it was difficult to pop to a doctors and I knew if i was to miscarry there was nothing they could so anyway. However when I returned home I visit my GP who sent an EPAC referral to put my mind at rest.
I went for an early scan expecting to be six nearly seven weeks gone and was surprised to learn they only dated the pregnancy at five weeks. However they assured me it was viable with a healthy strong heart beat.
I returned home happy in the knowledge they had no concerns. I had my booking appointment and was classed as low risk. I was ravenously hungry (unlike with my first pregnancy) and suffered bloating early on.
I excitedly waiting for my 12 weeks scan appointment to see our little one again. We even decided to book an early private gender scan this time round although I was waiting for this second scan to confirm my due date.
They gave me my scan appointment based on my original dates so when I arrived I was in fact due to be just over ten weeks. I was planning on telling work after the appointment of the pregnancy. The sonographer quickly showed us our healthy wriggling baby again with a strong heart beat. However when she checked measurements she re dated the baby at only eight weeks. Due to the discrepancy in dates she wanted me to come back in a week to check although she showed little concern.
I left the appointment and decided to wait to tell work till they confirmed the due date the following week. However the more I thought about it the more I realised something as wrong. The dates just didn't add up. I realised by their dates I would of had the positive pregnancy test before I was even pregnant. I mentally prepared myself for the worst possible outcome while silently hoping for the best. I did lots of googling and read of babies catching up on growth and statistics about the reduction in risk after seeing a healthy heart beat.
We went for the appointment when I should have been thirteen weeks. The sonographer was a trainee he started looking and then told me he was going to get someone else to check. I asked him if there was a heart beat and he avoided the question saying it was normal to get a second opinion. I looked him in the eye and asked him again to tell me if there was a heartbeat. He reluctantly confirmed there wasn't but someone else needed to look. I knew then that they had gone. If they needed to look that hard there wasn't one there. I had never heard of a missed miscarriage until now.
I burst into tears and what followed was a blur. They started discussing options but I couldn't process it and asked to come back with a decision the following day. I went straight to work from the scan and took quite a time to compose myself. I knew if i pilled into work I would be able to shut it out for a few hours. I continued to experience sickness again pulling over on the way home to be sick. It felt like my body was betraying me forcing me to experience symptoms of a pregnancy that wasn't there. I couldn't bare the thought of carrying around my little one waiting on tender hook for something to happen. I chose a surgical management.
I then had to wait a week for the appointment. I woke each day dreading i would have to go through it naturally crossing my fingers nothing happened. It didn't and a week later I had the operation. Despite a lot of blood loss it went smoothly.
I waiting six long weeks for the return of my period and now we are trying again. I am desperate to fall pregnant again. Nothing will replace the loss but I fear the pain will not ease until I am expecting again. The fear of waiting 12 long weeks again to find something wrong is worrying me. I'm assured the odds of it happening again aren't stacked against us but that first trimester will be fraught with worry regardless.
I've had mixed responses. People rarely know what to say and that's okay. I've had a few people tell me at least it was early on or it was probably for the better if something was wrong. Those words bring no relief. I carried my little one almost into the second trimester, eagerly waiting the ease in symptoms and looking forward to finding out the gender. Three and a half months, a quarter of a year, almost a third of the way through the pregnancy is a long time to carry a little life which never arrives.
I have been looking for some type of closure and feel this story may help in some way.
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By Lisa (not verified) on 18 Nov 2018 - 20:24
This is almost my story. I had a healthy pregnancy in 1998 followed by a missed miscarriage in 2000.
To be told that it is a blessing to lose your baby early beggars belief. I was in a low place and only my toddler saw me through.
To the brave mum who shares her story can I say that you will never forget baby number two but you will accept their death eventually and the pain won’t ever go away but it does lessen.
Thankfully I was blessed with a third healthy pregnancy and my daughter is now 16.
We talk about our middle baby often and I admit that I never quite believed that my daughter would arrive safely (even to the point of telling my firstborn until 24 weeks that the Dr thought there might be a baby in mummy’s tummy).
I wish you well and send much love xx