Sat with my nine month old baby boy George, I looked at my mum and hesitantly announced, that this year she would be cooking Christmas dinner for me, as by that time I would be nine months pregnant.
It was may 2013 the 6th of January was to be my due date.
A week after the announcement I started to spot light brown, I quickly convinced myself along with google that it was implantation bleeding but still I couldn't settle, nothing like this had ever happened with George.
A trip to the doctors lead to a scan at the early pregnancy assessment unit. Bob and I saw a gestational sack there was no heartbeat but I was early. We went away that day relieved, unfortunately short lived as the day progressed I began to bleed brighter red blood my initial thoughts where it's because of the internal but then the pains started and I knew it would be bad news.
The weekend came and went and on the Monday my fears were confirmed by a blank screen.
Friends and family although trying there best to comfort me they didn't really know what to say. I mean I didn't know what to say.
I was relieved I had George as looking at his happy smiling face took away some of the emotional pain, having said that it also made me realise what I had lost.
A couple of months had passed and again I was met with two red lines on a test. We shall keep it to our selfs this time we thought and we did right until the familure brown spotting started again. Within 48 hours the process had started and finished.
The physical pain wasn't that bad it was more the emotional pain that I felt. I tried to be brave and carry on,even having the in laws round that day so that I didn't have to focus on the fact that I felt I had let everyone down again. A scan and blood tests two days later confirmed that I had suffered my second miscarriage.
Within the month I was pregnant again not that I shouted it from the roof tops. I went to the doctors when I found out they said that if I was still pregnant in two weeks they would let me have a scan.
Two weeks passed but I saw another doctor she wouldn't let me go for an early scan.
I knew at that minute that she hadn't been through what I had, if she had she would have sent me to see a heart beat so that I could put my mind at ease.
She would have realised that I was an obsessed woman constantly checking for blood spots , constantly checking to make sure I still felt sick or that my boobs were still tender, repeatedly promising myself that I can be as sick as a dog the baby can make me feel horrendous every second of the day as long as it was okay.
My poor other half didn't even get told I was pregnant until I was 9 weeks I really didn't want to disappoint him again, I had to pass 6 weeks and one day the same stage I had lost both my others, but even at that deadline I still couldn't find the words. I even made my mum carry a pregnancy test in her handbag after all when I told her I was having George she had put the test in her handbag and he was okay.
Thankfully the following July I gave birth to another beautiful boy called William he was perfect in every way weighing a whopping 10.5.
A year and a half had passed I had had enough of my implant it was making my life hell I thought I will get back on the pill. Within two months of being on the pill familiar symptoms had started to appear I felt sick my breasts hurt I shrugged it off at first as hormones but I had a nagging inkling.
I then had started to spot.
A day later I had a pregnancy confirmed by the doctors who sent me for a scan. I was met by a gestational sack. I had been on the pill so actually had no idea how far along I should be so this fits we should be okay.
The bleeding continued throughout that week. It didn't pick up pace, I was still feeling sick and I had had no appetite. I felt as though I was in limbo.
Saturday night came and went but during the early hours of the Sunday morning I began to feel pains after darting backwards and forwards to the toilet, I was bleeding quite heavy.
At 4 am I made a panicked call to my mum alerting her that it was happening begging her to bring me some more sanitary products I was beginning to run out. Within 6 hours I had had to go to the bathroom to change every ten minutes. It was nothing like before.
I rang 111 for advice. By this point I was wearing one of my sons nappy as I had exhausted all other options. 111 insisted on sending me an ambulance. Whilst on the way to hospital my heart rate decreased and I needed to be blue lighted.
They took bloods and I was moved to a side room, a doctor visited me and I begged him for a pad I couldn't wear a nappy any longer. I waited for Bob to join me as he had to sort out boys out. Just as he arrived a Health care assistant announced to me that I was to be moved to a maple ward.
Instantly I knew it was a maternity ward,it's where I went after I had George.
I mean how insensitive of them to do that to me. On this ward in a side room I had to listen to new born baby's cry and watch family's parade past with gigantic balloons and teddy bears .
I had to have an internal examination where the Doctor confirmed what I already knew. A scan was booked for the next day to check the process was happening the way it should be.
We had a meeting with a nurse just after so she could re confirm things with us. She said that in three weeks I was to take another home pregnancy test to make sure that there was no remaining products.
At home I was a mess I kept feeling faint and I spent the majority of the week on the sofa, I was still bleeding it was just like a period but the doctor that had examined me had promised that the bleeding would stop soon.
Three weeks passed and I still got a faint positive and I was still bleeding so it was back to the Doctors to be sent for my 6th internal scan. I went to a different hospital because I was still scared from what had happened before. All seemed to be going back to normal and within a couple of days that faint positive turned negative.
The due date of my third miscarriage has just passed and what I find the most difficult is that when you find out you pregnant you just look to the future you see a baby to be born in nine months time a girl or a boy. A baby with a name.
You can't help yourself but think about the milestones that they would be achieving if they were here now. That thought is quite haunting but it's something that has grown to be quite familiar to me.
All this makes me realise that I am to enjoy the happy perfect children I already have and make them as blessed as I am.
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