#misCOURAGE story, 22/05/2017, by Claire
I am miscarrying. Right now.
Yesterday I was pregnant and today I am not. This has happened before twice now, much earlier but it was no less shocking and no less painful. After an early scan showed I was nowhere near where I needed to be and my hormone levels were low I knew.
In fact I'd known it wouldn't work out. Since we found out we were pregnant. Why would it work for us when it hadn't worked twice before?
And I sit here bleeding and cramping and crying with my husband in America helpless while I sobbed at him over WhatsApp. I can't Facebook it, cannot tell my colleagues why I'm not so 'with it' today (although mercifully my boss has been amazing).
Why can't we be more open about this? What is stopping us from sharing our stories more? Why do I feel ashamed to be trying for children or even ashamed to be having this miscarriage?
Next time it will be even worse. I almost dread every positive pregnancy test now. But I hope we get there.
Right now I can't be positive. I can't be happy for people who are pregnant and I can't be excited for my cousin who has just, today, given birth. But that's ok. It will pass and my husband will come home and hug me and we'll get through it. Because we have to.
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