The worst part of the process was sitting amongst the pregnant women awaiting their scans whilst I knew my baby was gone

The reality of a biological child was fast slipping away and to be honest at this stage I was happy to let it go.

Cherie

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August 2016

Cherie Trahar

Six pregnancies and no children. This is what I had to repeat to every doctor or specialist I met. No one bothered to read my notes. They would ask how many pregnancies and then how many babies. When my reply was none they would look up at me from my notes and say gosh that's a lot. 

I had six miscarriages before I had my daughter. Each loss was more painful than the last and as I struggled to cope with my grief I lost a lot of friends along the way. 

The first two miscarriages were very early on around four to five weeks and I was not really aware of them. The third miscarriage I was not aware I was pregnant. Due to polycystic ovaries my periods were so irregular. We were buying a house and at the time and I was stood in the kitchen with my husband and mum being shown how everything works by the builders. The pain came out of nowhere and within minutes I was clutching my stomach and being helped into the car. I knew straight away I must be pregnant and losing the baby. I went to hospital bleeding and in agony.

After being given morphine I was informed I was pregnant and I didn't look like someone who was having a miscarriage.

I was told to come back in a few days to have repeat bloods. I knew I was losing the baby and by my calculations I was around 14 weeks pregnant. My husband was excited but I knew what was coming. After having my bloods taken I got a phone call to confirm I had lost the baby. A week later we moved into our new home, the day after I passed the baby into the toilet. I had no idea it would happen this way, no one told me or warned me. The other miscarriages were just blood. I stood over the toilet and saw my tiny baby lay at the bottom. I can not really put into words how I felt at the time it still doesn't feel like that happened to me. The following day I lost the tiny umbilical cord whilst my friend was sat in my living room drinking tea. 

I found people did not understand me and a few days later I received a picture message from a friend of her 12 weeks scan.

I wasn't even aware she was pregnant until I saw this picture. It looked just like the baby I had had to flush away. I was sat at work at the time and couldn't control my tears. Unfortunately we could not understand one another and this lead to me losing a lot of friends as everyone became involved in our disagreement. 

I was now referred to a hospital to look into my recurrent miscarriages. I fell pregnant almost immediately each time only to find a few weeks later I would lose the baby. My blood work was all fine and there was no explanation I was told to just try again. The worst part of the process was sitting amongst the pregnant women awaiting their scans whilst I knew my baby was gone. By now I had had six miscarriages and had began looking into adoption. The reality of a biological child was fast slipping away and to be honest at this stage I was happy to let it go. My husband really wanted to try just one last time before considering adoption and I agreed. To this day I'm not sure why as I felt completely drained by this point.

I asked for a referral to a specialist and after a 12 month wait we had an appointment. She was able to highlight some bloods which had not been done and had a theory my body was attacking the pregnancies as a foreign body. I had the lining of my womb scraped to help with implantation, three months of steroids, hormones and Asprin. All of which were just theories being tested.

I fell pregnant straight away as usual. I had a scan booked in at five weeks and saw a fetal pole and sac. I had had many scans before but this was the first time I had seen anything actually growing in there. Another scan at seven weeks and we heard the heart beat. Another scan at ten weeks and there it was looking like a tiny person. By twelve weeks I was sure the baby had stopped growing. I went for a scan and there it was, strong heart beat and moving around. I couldn't relax, I experienced some bleeding and had pains.

I would cry myself to sleep believing I would miscarry by the morning.

Every scan I went for there it was, still pregnant and moving around in there. By the 18 week scan we found out we were having a girl. It was starting to become real. It wasn't till I was 32 weeks pregnant when I thought it might be best to buy her some clothes. For some reason I just could not face buying any baby clothes before this. I was far too scared to build up my hopes. I went into labour early and worried for the baby's health. She was born at 36 weeks completely healthy. She is now 13 months old and I can not believe how lucky we are to have her. I still have no idea why I was miscarrying. I still hurt for the babies I have lost, I'm not sure if that pain will ever go away. 

We want another child but how we go about having another is still to be decided. I would like to adopt but I would also love to go through pregnancy again and try to enjoy it second time round. 

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