Why would they transfer me to a ward with babies when they knew I had lost one?

Logically I knew why but emotionally I could not comprehend how they could be so cruel. I closed my eyes and longed for sleep so I didn’t need to listen to the babies anymore.

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August 2016

Pauline

The previous evening I had started bleeding a little bit. I phoned the hospital who arranged for me to attend a scan the following morning. I tried not to work myself up with worry but this was my first pregnancy I had no point of reference to compare this to. 

After waiting for what seemed like ages we were called and went straight through for an ultrasound. The sonographer pressed hard on my belly and it felt very uncomfortable as she moved around. After a few minutes she said that she couldn’t find a heartbeat properly and that she would need to check internally. Another sonographer had joined us at this point and they both stared intently at the screen while this “thing” was rummaging around inside. Both myself and my husband were also looking at the screen although we had no idea what we were looking at. After five minutes we were told the devastating news that there was no heartbeat and our baby had not survived. Immediately tears were streaming down my face. My husband was also very visibly upset but I could tell he was trying to keep it together for my sake. Sometimes people forget that the father has suffered a loss too.

I remember sitting reading over the leaflet we were given with our options, the terminology was horrifying. It referred to “removing the product”. This was not a product, this was our baby! 

The following evening I was horrified to discover blood, lots and lots of blood, bright, red blood. We went to the hospital where we waited for hours as the doctor on call had been called away to an emergency. The doctor came in to see me around midnight. She had obviously had a busy day. Once the examination finished I was transferred up to the ward for my overnight stay.

Luckily I was in my own room within the ward but the unfortunate and upsetting thing was the ward I was in was the maternity ward. Throughout the night I could hear the new born babies and it made my heart ache so badly. Why would they transfer me to a ward with babies when they knew I had lost one? Logically I knew why but emotionally I could not comprehend how they could be so cruel. I closed my eyes and longed for sleep so I didn’t need to listen to the babies anymore.

The following morning I was taken down for a scan. Embarrassingly I was not allowed to walk down on my own and had to be wheeled down in a chair, in the lift and through the waiting room which was getting busy. I was wheeled into a separate area so I didn’t need wait with mums to be. However I was waiting outside two examinations rooms where I seen half a dozen happy mums and dads to be come and go from their scans which was upsetting.

I returned to work 10 days after the miscarriage. I didn’t particularly want to talk about it with anybody. I wanted to try and sweep it under the rug and move on.

I threw myself into work, took on additional work all in the attempt to stop me from thinking about it. This approach seemed to work well for me, I refused to talk about it to anybody and I moved on until around February/March time when a chance encounter with the occupational health adviser at work made me realise I hadn’t processed the situation fully. I arranged to have a proper chat with her. She was the first person I told the whole story to from start to finish. She listened and advised that I should maybe speak to a counsellor to help me deal with my residual feelings. I was starting to struggle a little at work and all the little extra things I had taken on just seemed to crush me, I could no longer manage my work as effectively as normal.

Grief had caught up with me.

Miscarriage is not something that people often talk about, it's almost like it is not socially acceptable to discuss it. When people do mention it they almost whisper it as if it's a bad word - thank you Tommy's for encouraging us to talk about our experiences.

#miscourage

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