by Nancy Kucharik
I was 7 weeks pregnant and began to bleed slightly. I visited A&E and as it was so early in my pregnancy, I had to have an internal scan.
This showed a heartbeat and I was told to go home but that if the bleeding got worse I had a direct number to contact them on.
After a week of bleeding at the same rate it suddenly got heavier. I returned to hospital for another scan and was told that there was still a heartbeat but it was faint and the chance of the baby surviving was small and that I was to return in a week for another scan.
When we left I was devastated and sat in the car sobbing for an hour.
The difficulty was that as much as I tried to be very matter of fact that I was not going to have this baby, there was still a faint heartbeat so it was still alive which was giving me a bit of what I now know was false hope.
I went a week later for my scan and there was still a faint heartbeat so my hopes were raised again. A week later when I went for another scan they confirmed that there was no heartbeat.
I almost felt relieved as I now knew for certain but I was devastated at the same time.
I had been bleeding this whole time but was told at the scan I would need to be scanned again to make sure that everything had cleared from my body. I was convinced it hadn't as my bleeding hadn't increased or stopped but at another scan they confirmed it had.
I had only told my parents about the pregnancy but they had been so excited to have a grandchild that telling them was the hardest part, I felt like I was letting them down.
The way I got my head around it was to think that obviously something with the development of this baby was not right (as sick as it sounds I used to say it probably hadn't got a head to my husband which I don't think was the right thing to say! ), I know a lot of people who have had miscarriages don't find that thought a comfort but I really did.
I went on to get pregnant 3 months later and have got 2 fabulous boys but did find my pregnancies were altered by the miscarriage.
I always felt that the minute I let myself believe that the pregnancy was actually happening that I would jinx it so I was cautious all the way through. Not buying any clothes until the very last minute and every time I went to the loo I would check for blood. Sounds crazy but I was that sure it would happen again.
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