When I was pregnant with my first child, I got to about 8 weeks and suddenly didn't feel right, I told my family that I didn't feel pregnant anymore and they said not to be silly and everything's fine.
Fast forward to about 11 weeks and I started having brown spotting, I called my midwife and they sent me for an early scan. At the scan they told me there was no heartbeat, my baby had stopped growing 3 weeks prior.
When I stopped feeling pregnant, my baby had stopped living, but my body refused to let go.
I was booked in for an evacuation 2 days later. Those 2 days were the worst, I felt numb, knowing that my baby was still inside me but that there was nothing I could do to bring him/her back was heartbreaking.
We had already chosen the name Emily or Tyler, we had read "guess how much I love you" to the baby every night from the moment we found out I was pregnant, we'd bought a baby gro.
The hospital does a cremation for all the early loss babies, for the parents to attend and say goodbye. It was hard, but we went. It's been about 6 years and I'm still crying writing this.
This was my only miscarriage and I've had 2 healthy children since then.
You never stop hurting over the loss but you will be able to be happy again.
People who don't understand seem to forget that it's not just the baby you lose, it's that moment you first hold them, it's that first smile, hearing their first laugh, seeing them take their first steps, taking that "first day of school" photo. All those moments that you won't have, and when those times come around, you will think of them and what if.
I still think things like "you'd be starting school now".
We will always have times when we miss our babies and all that could have been, but you will be able to be happy again, you will feel again.
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