When I miscarried my first baby it came at a time of great grief, my sister had died of breast cancer 7 months earlier.
When everything that is around you is black nobody tells you it can get blacker, it can do to shades words can't describe.
I had a lot of sorrow to live with after, but always thought one day I would meet my baby and it would be okay.
6 years later to the exact same time I was pregnant again, I'd had 2 daughters to add to the one before my miscarriage and when the due dates were for the same week I prayed for a different outcome.
Oh how I prayed. I began to bleed at the exact same time on a Thursday night, this time my husband told me not to cry on my own.
Same story, just six years apart.
I felt sorry for the kind nurses and doctors as I cried during their tests because I knew there would be no baby. They were lovely.
I went home and told my children I had a sore back and waited for it to be over. It wasn't. I ended up 4 days on hospital with an emergency op and blood transfusions.
Physically they were brilliant at taking care of me. When I had to have a scan and to check what was happening and cried throughout everyone was silent- I think then they realised my true loss.
Now I'm home and yes I try to sleep between my husband snoring on my left and my 10 month old rolling in her cot to my right; I so miss my baby inside me.
I so miss you and everything you would have been. I will love you forever xoxo
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