As I sit here typing these words, my emotions rise and fall. As they have done for the last 2 and a half years. Let me start at the beginning.....
February 2014 and I had just fled from a violent relationship with my son's father and I was mentally in a bad way. My son (who was just 2 at the time) and I went into a refuge to escape his drunk,violent father and we set upon sorting out a little life together just me and my son.
I slowly built up my self confidence and esteem thanks to the other girls in the refuge with me and was beginning to feel good about myself again after just a few weeks.
It's was around this time that one of the other girls in the refuge suggested I go onto an online dating site just to see what it was all about. Well, I was reticent at first let me tell you! But after a bit more cajoling ( and maybe a few drinks!) I gave in and signed up, just to have a look around.
After speaking to the customary idiots and sex maniacs, I stumbled across the profile of man that seemed 'normal'.
We started messaging through the site and then progressed to text messages. Shortly after this,we decided to meet in person.
After settling my son in his nursery for the afternoon and making sure all the girls in the refuge knew where I was going and arranging a code for when one of them called me after a certain amount of time, I set off on one of the most nerve racking journeys of my life!
I met up with the gentleman in question and after a very pleasant couple of hours in the local park, we decided that we would like to embark on a relationship with each other.
We took it slow at first as we both had children (his, an 11 yr old son, me, my 2 year old boy) but we made plans as is usual when embarking on a new relationship. We both agreed that we would like a child together in the future. All was good.
We settled into our new place together as a family and we all got along nicely. I'd thought I'd finally found the man of my dreams, loving, caring, considerate. Everything you could ever wish for in a man and I'd found him!
Shortly after moving into our new place, we discovered I was pregnant. Great! We thought, things are going to plan and moving along nicely. We were so in love with each other and our family, nothing could tear us apart.
Sadly,that pregnancy wasn't to be and ended at 5 weeks in what is commonly called a "chemical" pregnancy. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves down and stoically decided to carry on. "It happens" we told ourselves, not to worry.
Then, only 2 months later, we found ourselves pregnant again! Great, we're all good! We said to ourselves, only for the pregnancy to sadly end at 7 weeks this time. Yet again we put it down to bad luck and carried on.
Nothing more happened for around a year, I mean we were still enjoying an active sex life without taking any precautions but we weren't focusing on getting pregnant, just seeing how we went.
Then, nearly a year after my 2nd miscarriage I discovered I was pregnant again! This was it! 3rd time lucky we told ourselves and for a while it looked like we were right.
I got past the 5 week stage. I got past the 7 week stage. This was it, this was the one finally!
Then, at 11 weeks I started to spot. Not much at first and not bright red, so I wasn't unduly worried but decided to just check it out with my gp who decided to send me to the local EPAU for a scan just to have a look see.
It was there that I found out that my baby had died at 8 and a half weeks but my body hadn't realised straight away. I'd had what is known as a missed miscarriage.
I was booked in for a D and C a couple of days later but never made it to the appointment. My body finally caught up and expelled the foetus the day after the scan.
I was absolutely devastated, heartbroken beyond belief. My partner, this man of my dreams, was in bits. That's it,we decided there and then, no more!
I even went as far as booking my self in for a sterilisation op a couple of months after. The days and weeks passed, time ticking down towards my op date. We tried other forms of contraception but they weren't for us.
So we sat and discussed my upcoming op, and decided that we couldn't go through with it without giving it one last shot. We were running out of time age wise (I'm now nearly 37 and he is now nearly 44) so we knew it could be our last chance.
But my body wouldn't play ball and decided to mess around with my cycle for the next year, making it difficult for us to try to catch my cycle at the right time for conception.
So when I was one day overdue for my period this September (2016) I thought" oh here we go again another missed period just like before" . For some reason I decided to take a test ' just in case' and couldn't believe my eyes when the the words '
Pregnant 2-3 weeks ' appeared on that little white stick! I was so happy I cried to my best friend and she cried with me, then I cried again with my partner and he cried with me and then my best friend and partner and I all cried together! This was the one!
I felt different this pregnancy, this was going to be our chance! I was so sure of it. I cut out caffeine ( a big thing for me!) I cut down on smoking and got a referral to the quit smoking clinic in town. I really was determined this was the one!
I started a new job and my little boy had started big school and things were going well.
My GP referred me back to the EPAU for early reassurance/viability scans but the first one was too early and we had a scare when there was nothing on the screen except a very small sac and a few cystic spaces in my womb.
The sonographer said it could either be too early to see anything or a possible partial molar pregnancy and I was to go back in 2 weeks for a rescan.
Those 2 weeks felt like a lifetime away and I made it to one week later then rang again and said I couldn't wait another week as I was a state and I couldn't concentrate at work or home until I knew what was happening.
They were very good and got me in for a rescan that day, exactly one week after the first. I had the same sonographer and he said "well we probably won't see much change after just one week so don't get your hopes up" so I didn't. I was prepared for the worst.
Anyway, I had the scan, and there on the screen was a little bean with a strong regular heartbeat and no sign of the cystic spaces seen on the previous scan!
I came away with a scan of the little bean, a piece of paper saying it was a viable pregnancy of 6 weeks gestation and to come back in 3 weeks for a rescan for reassurance, and a huuuuggggeeeeee smile on my face!
I was happy and reassured. I'd seen the baby and heartbeat so all was good this time. Or so I thought.
Around 3 weeks later I started having a few mild tummy cramps, just like very mild period pains. They're nothing, I told myself.The dr had previously said they were just my uterus growing so I again, wasn't unduly worried but I rang my EPAU just to be on the safe side.
They told me that as it was the weekend, I was to take myself to the gynae ward instead and there I would be checked over. So I went and was examined, had bloods and was declared well as I wasn't bleeding vaginally.
So I went back home and rested. The next morning I got up and the pains had returned. I took paracetamol as advised and tried to rest. After being awake for a couple of hours I went to the toilet. And I saw blood.
"Oh god, no! Not again please!" I pleaded to whoever was listening.
I got straight on the phone to the gynae ward where I had been only the previous day. They said I was booked in for a scan for the next day anyway and to just go to that as planned and take it from there. So I went.
And it was bad news. Another missed miscarriage . I was 9 weeks pregnant by my dates but my baby's heart had stopped beating at 8 weeks 2 days. I was numb.
And still am.
This only happened last week and my body is still clearing out the pregnancy. I am now going to see my GP and ask for blood tests to rule out any genetic abnormalities and depending on these results will determine which path we will take.
We both have successfully produced children with other partners but cannot seem to successfully produce one with each other and there must be a reason for this.
Until I know we cannot genetically reproduce with each other, then we will keep trying for that that little elusive ' us'
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