We now have two wonderful children but I still think about the one we never met

I was surprised by how many friends and colleagues approached me afterwards with their own stories which I found comforting.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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October 2016

Nicola

We lost a baby at about seven weeks. I went to the toilet at work (in a hospital) and there was just loads of blood on the toilet paper.

Nobody at work knew I was pregnant and I managed to leave without having to face anyone except the hospital chaplain who just nodded sadly when he saw my tears. 

My GP was sympathetic but explained nothing could change events - the baby would live or die no matter what I did and that it wasn't my fault. I went home, Googled miscarriage and waited for it to end one way or another.

I bled on and off for twelve days in total. After a week my GP referred to me the Early Pregnancy Unit who could not find a heartbeat but they could not confirm miscarriage as I was still early in my pregnancy.

I had to have serial blood tests to see if my hormones were climbing or falling. They were falling, but slowly. A nurse explained it could be an ectopic pregnancy (thankfully it was not) and talked me through possible treatments.

I started to cry and she said something along the lines of "no need to cry, it's only an injection and it only hurts for a minute." I couldn't believe she thought I was crying about needles and not my dead baby. 

Anyway, I had a D&C after twelve days and literally felt like a different person afterwards. I went from constant crying to what felt like normal, natural mourning.

I still cried a lot but I think until that point my hormones were just in charge of my emotions. 

I was off work for a month in total (two weeks of miscarrying, a week taking it easy after surgery and another week getting myself together - I work with sick children).

I had never spoken to the hospital chaplain before, I just knew him to say hello to in passing. On my first day back he sort of patted me on the shoulder and said "You'll be OK." And I was.

We didn't keep it a secret. I was surprised by how many friends and colleagues approached me afterwards with their own stories which I found comforting. 

I was five months pregnant on baby's due date which helped take my mind off it although I spent most of the pregnancy worrying anyway. 

We now have two wonderful children but I still think about the one we never met.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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