We lost a baby at about seven weeks. I went to the toilet at work (in a hospital) and there was just loads of blood on the toilet paper.
Nobody at work knew I was pregnant and I managed to leave without having to face anyone except the hospital chaplain who just nodded sadly when he saw my tears.
My GP was sympathetic but explained nothing could change events - the baby would live or die no matter what I did and that it wasn't my fault. I went home, Googled miscarriage and waited for it to end one way or another.
I bled on and off for twelve days in total. After a week my GP referred to me the Early Pregnancy Unit who could not find a heartbeat but they could not confirm miscarriage as I was still early in my pregnancy.
I had to have serial blood tests to see if my hormones were climbing or falling. They were falling, but slowly. A nurse explained it could be an ectopic pregnancy (thankfully it was not) and talked me through possible treatments.
I started to cry and she said something along the lines of "no need to cry, it's only an injection and it only hurts for a minute." I couldn't believe she thought I was crying about needles and not my dead baby.
Anyway, I had a D&C after twelve days and literally felt like a different person afterwards. I went from constant crying to what felt like normal, natural mourning.
I still cried a lot but I think until that point my hormones were just in charge of my emotions.
I was off work for a month in total (two weeks of miscarrying, a week taking it easy after surgery and another week getting myself together - I work with sick children).
I had never spoken to the hospital chaplain before, I just knew him to say hello to in passing. On my first day back he sort of patted me on the shoulder and said "You'll be OK." And I was.
We didn't keep it a secret. I was surprised by how many friends and colleagues approached me afterwards with their own stories which I found comforting.
I was five months pregnant on baby's due date which helped take my mind off it although I spent most of the pregnancy worrying anyway.
We now have two wonderful children but I still think about the one we never met.
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