by Roxanne Neesham
I knew I could smell the pollen in the air and the awful perfume on the bus. I knew my body was changing, and doing.....something!
I didn't believe that after 4 months we could have fallen pregnant with our second child, but never the less we had done it. There was excitement and amazement all in one as it had taken 19 months to see a blue line when trying for our first.
Oh those awful initial symptoms, wretching at my morning cereal and crying at the way a feather blew along the ground. Its funny how we moan about little things when we've yet to experience a loss.
Me and my husband discussing names, hopes and dreams for our second child's future, and smiling at Lucas as we pictured his sibling playing beside him next summer as we all enjoyed some sunshine.
Then the early symptoms stopped. A small amount of blood was all it took for the panic to start rising. I shrugged it off as I had bled with Lucas. Something kept me awake at night my body was feeling loss and I didn't understand why. The bleeding started again, and at an early scan (8weeks) we heard the awful words "There is no heartbeat". No heartbeat. No you can't look at the screen.
Two weeks we will leave you and see you back for a re-scan. Two weeks!
Such simple words, but words that meant painful looks at one another. No sentences of positives and dreams. My partner didn't want to speak about it, and I had to be happy mammy for Lucas.
10th September 2015. I'm sorry. No heartbeat. Your Baby has died.
A screen turned around and a little tiny human soul sat within my womb just bobbing there not moving as you would expect at 10 weeks. Tears, pain, guilt, sadness, loss, and fear. No more hopes and dreams for this little one. Only that the hope that they had felt no pain, and known our love somehow while their cells had started to grow. Heaven by Beyonce helped me through. A childhood candle I had never lit finally had found a reason to glow.
After the hospital and medication to do what needed to be done, I found peace in that somehow our bodies are amazing, and mine had found that something wasn't right and had stopped my baby from growing any further, so she never knew pain just love.
Women must support other women through our ups and downs. I had my own mother tell me to seek psychiatric help as I hadn't lost a "baby", it was nothing and I was being dramatic. Do not allow other peoples views to affect you. Listen to your own heart and body, others who do not understand can react very strangely in such situations.
Miscarriage. It's a word to describe the physical side of what has happened. Love is how I'd describe the emotional. Love remains when the physical does not.
RIP Baby Neesham 12.09.2015 xxxx
And love to all the other tiny pips and their families.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer